HIM - wolfstar
by halfravenhalfclaw
Summary: How do you make someone fall in love with you when they won't even talk to you? Remus Lupin is starting his last year at high school, expecting it to be normal, but when some boy shows up and make you fall madly in love, how can anything ever be normal? No, the real question is; is it the right thing?
1. Before I met him

**I have been having this idea forever know, and I'm finally writing it down.**

 **It's an AU in which the marauders are all muggles. It's mostly wolfstar, but you might see some Jily squeezed in somewhere.**

 **I hope you will enjoy reading the story just as much as I enjoy making it up.**

 **Stick with me until the very end and leave reviews along the way :D**

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 **IMPORTANT**

I've been very conflicted about the way I should end this story, so I'm giving you the choice! There will be a happy and sad ending. More instructions will follow later!

Enjoy :D

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I didn't know that this would happen.

I don't think anyone could have predicted this.

He means everything to me, and I mean everything. How could I have known he was gonna mean that much to me? Frankly, I don't think anyone saw it coming.

My whole life I have lived in the same city, in the same house. I have known my two best friends for ages; James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. There's isn't anything exciting about my life.

James Potter has been my friend since kindergarten, original I know. Could you hear the sarcasm? He is my very best friend and we have been through everything together. I honestly can't believe he's still friends with me. James is tall, handsome, popular. He has it all. His hair is brown and curly; every girl's dream. Also, his sun-brown skin, all about him looks perfect. He's the best friend anyone could wish for.

Peter Pettigrew has been my friend since sixth grade. He isn't so tall -pretty small actually- perhaps a bit chubby. Someone would say that at least, I say so too. Though he is not unpopular or anything, not with the girls at least. He's the one out of the three of us who gets most luck. They say he is 'cute' or something. I don't understand girls. I think the only reason James doesn't get any girls is that he has his heart set on one; the only one he can't have.

Oh well, Peter has light curly hair, but not the same kind of curls as James. His is more afro-curls, that is short and light, while James has small curls that hang from the top of his head.

You are presumably all very interested in what I look like, but I'm not, so you won't find out, yet. I'll probably tell you sometime when I can see myself. Probably tomorrow when I look terrible.

Which reminds me, you don't know where I am right now. You see, I just finished my third year in high school. Only a year left. I'm good at math if you hadn't guessed it yet. This party look like any other party, in primary school, it was of course "no-alcohol" parties. Now its more like "alcohol" parties, or "a-lot-alcohol" parties. This party is one of those parties where there is a lot of alcohol, and maybe drugs, but that's not something I touch.

To make a long story short; there was a party, many people on little space, everyone smelled either of sweat, smoke or both. Bad light, _really_ noisy. Someone played truth or dare, spin the bottle or some weird card game. People took home, someone had sex upstairs, seen it all before, have been there.

Now you are probably wondering why I'm at this party. Well, wouldn't you be?

I'm not quite sure how I made it home that night, I think James's parents picked us up. They are the best, pretty sure I'm sleeping at their place right now. Who knows. I might be a bit careless, it doesn't matter that much.

I open up my eyes.

Just as I suspected I'm at James' house. I'm in bed, without clothes. I don't even remember taking it off. Neither he nor Peter is anywhere to be seen in this room. Did Peter even join us here last night? Usually, he goes home with some girl-friend of his.

My head hurts, and I just stare up at the ceiling. It's white. Most of the things in their house is white, it's so modern and expensive. I kinda like it, but my own house is better, it's darker, but it has more wood furniture and stuff. James's house is bigger though, and his parents always like to pick us up, so that's why I always sleep with him.

That and because neither he nor I get someone home, so it won't be weird. Though, the fact that none of us ever have someone to bring back is probably not all that good. And we just hang out instead might be counted as weird. I don't care.

James, of course, being as rich as he has a four-poster bed, a giant bedroom that could house ten four-poster beds. I like the view he has from his window, but the curtains are drawn, so there nothing to look at now.

Someone knocks on the door and James comes in.

"How are you feeling?" he asks. I move my gaze from the ceiling to him instead. James being the amazing (morning) person he is, is of course already awake and dressed... and has hot cocoa in his hands. Therefore the 'amazing' part.

I sit up and make sure the duvet is covering me completely.

"Headache," I tell him and takes the cup he offers me. "Was I bad last night?"

James usually never drinks at parties, which makes him the perfect person to ask if you did something stupid, it could also make quite a business for him seeing as he can reveal what others did. He never takes advantages of this though.

"You could have been worse," he told without looking at me. I rolled my eyes.

"Just tell me."

"You... Well, you almost stripped in front of everyone, then I decided it was time to go home. Thought you insisted you were sweating so you took off your shirt. Maybe a little less alcohol for the next party," he suggested. I didn't even blush when he told me. I knew he was the only person who would remember it anyway.

I took a sip of the cocoa. It was nice and hot. The smoke flew into my face, relaxing my muscles. It reminded me of autumn. It's summer now.

"Why am I naked now then?" I asked not particularly interested.

"You said that you had to be prepared if someone wanted to drop by and fuck you," James said matter of factly.

"Less alcohol for the next party." I agreed with a laugh.

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Summer was ahead of me. Who knows what's gonna happen. I could discover a secret that no one knows. I could be on the greatest vacation ever with my family. I could have the time of my life. I could meet the one and only.

Or I could do as any other summer and do absolutely nothing but read all day.

Though I guess now that I'm not stripping at some party, I could tell you all what I look like. I have nothing better to do anyway.

I have brown hair, it's almost tawny, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I never know. Freckles cover just about everything on my face, which I'm not all that happy about. I'm tall, even taller than James, so not this hot kind of tall, but awkward kind of tall. My skin is mostly very-light-brown, sometimes I manage to get just a little tan, otherwise, it's red.

I spent most of my time hanging out with my friends, if not, I'm reading, which I just love to do. Hurray for me, the nerd.

Oh, and by the way, my name is Remus Lupin.

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 **I hope y'all enjoyed this first chapter :D**


	2. When I met him

_If I had known what was gonna happen, I wouldn't have backed out._

First day of school.

Always great.

If you're an alien.

The first day of school is the worst of the worst. Who even invented them? Why do we even go to school? I don't care about my fucking education, I just want to sleep and read. And eat chocolate, and drink hot cocoa, and-

You know, that there's a lot of things I want to do, but going back to school is not one of them. I have wasted my summer completely. Like I always do. We haven't been to any cool places I can brag about. The wildest thing that happened was that I woke up before eight.

James -as the morning person he was- was, of course, looking great and fresh and god knows what. I, on the other hand, look awful and tired. Which is weird considering I haven't done anything but sleep all summer. Oh, great times. Great times.

It's a wonder that I even woke up this morning. That's just how it is, everyone is tired the first day of school - James being the exception.

It's Monday morning and the first thing we have is math. The greatest subject of all time. Sarcasm. I don't think anyone _likes_ it. Someone just hates it more than others. I'm the kind of person who doesn't dislike it. As I said earlier, I'm good at math. Thought I was being sarcastic back then? I wasn't.

If I wasn't so humble I would say that I'm the best in class. I am humble, so I guess I won't say it, but now you know and technically I didn't tell you so that still counts as humble. If you ask me, and seeing as I'm the only person here, you can only ask me.

The teacher rambles on about something like it wasn't the first day of school, like we all weren't falling asleep. I tried to concentrate on it, though it was hard. I allowed myself a break.

He asked a question, no one raised their hands. He looked disappointed, we are probably learning about something we learned last year and therefore should know. I probably knew it because he was looking expectant at me, but I kindly ignored him. Instead, staring at the clock that ticked soooo slow.

Mr Slughorn (our teacher) was about to say something, but he was interrupted by a knock on the door. The people came in before Slughorn got to say anything. Was it weird to be so happy? I could hear a collective sigh of happiness from the other students as well.

The first person who came in was our principal Dumbledore. An old-looking man, but still young as a... something that is young. He wasn't bald like many people old people, but he had white hair with a white beard.

The next person who came in was young. Definitely a student. He wasn't tall, a little smaller than James perhaps. His hair was black, and his skin pale. He had black boots matching his black leather jacket. He had a grey shirt under and black pants. He was all black and white. I couldn't make out his eye-colour but didn't doubt they looked amazing.

The boy had a bored expression on his face. He didn't look down but somehow managed to avoid looking at anyone. Kind of like when you're presenting in front of the class and just stare at the back wall.

"Ahh what can I do for you, Albus?" Slughorn kindly asked though it was hard for him to hide the sneer. He hated interruptions.

Dumbledore -who didn't seem to notice- smiled. "We have a new student." He gestured to the young boy beside him and then turned to the class. "I hope you all will make him feel welcome, and one of you will show him around." Though he said it lightly, it was clear that the last thing was an order.

I did it because this new boy looked interesting. And hot. But also, because I'm nice, and I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to move to a new place, where everyone already knew each other. It couldn't be easy to make friends.

Because of those reasons, I raised my hand. Dumbledore smiled at me. "Thank you, Mr Lupin."

Slughorn seemed to be the only one who noticed that something crucial was missing; we didn't know his name. "Can I ask for your name young boy?" He turned to the boy when Dumbledore wasn't making a move to speak.

The boy shook his head.

It was Dumbledore who spoke again. "He has requested that no one knows his name, given the circumstances, I think it's only fair to fulfil his wish." He stated calmly and looked Slughorn directly into his eyes. Indicating that there was a reason for this we couldn't know about.

Our teacher nodded understanding as if he remembered something.

Peter Pettigrew (my friend) raised his hand. "Yes, Mr Pettigrew?" Slughorn said and nodded to him, which for some reason means 'you are now allowed to speak'.

He asked the question we all wanted the answer to; "why can't we know your name?" He looked directly at the young boy with the black hair. Something I had trouble with.

Both Dumbledore, Slughorn and the whole class looked expectant at the boy who simply shrugged and answered; "it's the best way I can avoid people talking to me"

Oh, he was good.

But I am here so there is no way he is allowed to _not_ become friends (or more) with me. He was far too hot for that. When I say hot - I mean really hot, I think I'm almost turned on by just looking at him. I had never felt that way before. Weird.

"I'll leave you to teach the class, Horace," Dumbledore said and the left the classroom.

Do you guys even want me to describe the classroom? I think you all have some idea, have some expectations to how its gonna look like. So, to avoid any more confusion I'll describe it very detailed, because why the hell not.

It's rectangular - wow, big surprise. The walls are white and sticky with all the math-posters everywhere, on the left you see the door, you can use this to go out. Then there is the teachers-table in the middle, and windows on the right. We all sit alone on small uncomfortable wooden-tables. I sit by the window and the new boy sit it the right far down corner. In the shadows.

The perfect place to sit if you don't want to be seen.

I wanted to look at him, but his position any my position made it rather hard. Uhh, that could sound dirty. I wished it was.

I needed some fresh air.

The boy looked like he is paying attention to class, a nerd, I like that. I try to pay attention to the rest of the class, just as much as I tried before, but my mind only wanted to focus on the boy. He was writing things down. Oh, dear god, he was writing things down. In math class. Who writes things down in math class?

Let me answer that for you.

Nerds!

The hot guy was a nerd and I'm so hyped over this what is wrong with me?

The class _finally_ ended. I made towards his table. We had some free time before next class, so I could show him around now. He puts his things down in an old bag.

"Ready to be shown around," I ask way too enthusiastic. I guess I'm just happy that _I'm_ the first person who gets to talk to him.

I usually don't talk to boys.

He didn't answer. He didn't look at me. But he nodded. I had thought he would be more talkative, guess I should've seen it coming when literally the first thing he told us was that he didn't want friends. Not that it's a bad thing. It's not necessarily a good thing either. But he was still hot, so whatever.

"What's your next class?" _Nothing_.

"Did you just move here?" _Nothing._

"How is it to move to a new place?" _Nothing._

"Have you been here before?" _Nothing._

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I started to think that he couldn't even talk. That was until my last question.

"Do you want to eat lunch with my friends and me?"

"Look-" he had raised his hand to point a finger at me, though slowly lowered it with a quiet sigh. "You're probably a cool guy, but I don't know if you heard what I said before. I _don't_ want any friends!" He turned back to looking away again and didn't talk any more than that.

What should I say now? The obvious? Should I just ignore what he just said?

"Why not?" I decided to ask dumbly. It was dumb, of course, he wouldn't tell me. Though there was a slight chance, and I decided to take it.

"I came here to educate, not make friends," he replied simply. Okay, so he is a nerd. Maybe too much of a nerd, but I can work with that. Maybe I can finally get a good study partner!

"Of course, that's obvious. Having friends is just a bonus" I interjected wisely.

"Or a downside," he murmured.

I didn't think I was supposed to hear it, so I decided to ignore it. We continued to walk around, I told him where everything was, felt like he ignored me, though I wasn't sure if he did.

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 **That was the end of chapter two :3**


	3. When I discovered his name

_I was so attracted to him, and it was wonderful._

I didn't see him for the rest of the day, not even for lunch. He was nowhere to be seen in the cafeteria. Now, to say that I was disappointed would be describing exactly how I felt. The guy had, of course, said he didn't want any friends, though I had hoped I could be the one to change that.

It wasn't easy to become friends with someone who avoided you.

At the end of the school day, I hadn't seen him, since the morning. It was like he had vanished, but I didn't think that was possible. He probably just had other things to do. He was somewhere, there wasn't a doubt in my mind of that.

I stepped into the office. Being the nice, humble and generous person, I am, I had been since freshmen year, helping other students with their homework in my free time. Also hoping that my life is a love story from a book so I would meet my one and only.

That hasn't happened. Yet.

"Hello, Miss McGonagall," I greeted as I entered her office. The room was neat and clean, everything was in order and looked perfect. Despite the neatness and the strict atmosphere, the place was very welcoming. Which made it one of my favourite places to be. I didn't think anyone, but she could make any place feel that way.

"Hello, Mr Lupin, anything I can do for you?" She turned away from the computer and gave me her undivided attention.

"I came here to sign up for tutoring."

McGonagall's office was placed in such a way that it is almost impossible to look in, but it was exceptionally easy to look out of there. It was like she was a cat keeping watch. Hiding behind the bushes, waiting for the oblivious mouse.

"Of course, wait here a moment." She offered a polite smile and left. At that moment, I was all alone in the office. I didn't think any students had ever been in there alone. I must be trustworthy. So now I am a trustworthy, nice, humble and generous student. I should get a prize for that.

My curiosity got the best of me and caused my next action. I guess I'm also curious now, though because of my curiosity, I'm less trustworthy and nice, still humble and generous though.

Oh, so humble.

I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. My life had never been an adventure. I wanted an adventure. Her computer was open on the other side of the table, slowly, and a little hesitant, I made my way for the other side of the table, the computer was on, and logged in.

She made it way too easy for me.

Quickly I found the list of students and looked it through, now and then I looked up to see if McGonagall was coming back. My heart beat like crazy. Maybe this was stupid, but I couldn't stop myself. I found him as one of the last students on the list.

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"So," James said as he dragged out the 'o'. I had left McGonagall's office, no students had asked for help to their homework yet, though she would let me know if anyone wanted any. Guess I had free time at the moment. "How's Mr New Guy?" He winked suggestively.

I laughed at his silliness. What did I do to deserve a friend like him?

"I bet you already asked him to eat lunch with us, am I right?" Peter laughingly added the last part when I blushed. "Why did he refuse then?" He asked seriously.

I shrugged my shoulders. "He says he doesn't want any friends." Though there had to be a reason, and he hadn't given any.

"And you hope the be the one to change that?" James asked after an awkward silence. I nodded. "What's your plan?" he added. "If I can assume you have one?"

These two knew me too well.

"Oh, I have one," I answered dramatically, as I rubbed my hands together. I had just made it up, but hopefully, it was going to work. He doesn't have to be my friend, but he needs to know I'll be there if he ever wants one.

They both laughed. "Can we hear it then?" Peter asked.

"I'm going to show that he can trust me. We need a secret of a sort, and then I simply won't tell anyone." James and Peter lifted their eyebrows, usually, I'm not the kind of guy who has dirty tricks.

"Are you going to spy on him or something?" James frowned. I shook my head, making his eyebrows grow even closer together. "How are you gonna find a secret then?"

"Already have one," I said solemnly. I loved the look on their faces like they were gonna know this secret I had too.

"What is it then?" Peter asked eagerly.

I had a dramatic pause, just to drag it a little longer than necessary. "I know his name," I whispered to them. Peter's eyes turned big and James's jaw dropped.

"What is it then?" James almost couldn't stand still, and Peter looked just as eager.

I shook my head. "If I tell you, it won't be a secret." They pouted slightly. James made puppy eyes hoping it could sway me. "And besides," I added before they could say anything. "I want him to trust me, so if I give his secret to anyone, he surely won't."

James nodded in agreement, but Peter still looked betrayed.

"Do you even _know_ what you could get for this information?" Peter asked bewildered. "People has been placing bets on who can guess his name. I don't think anyone has gotten it yet, it must be pretty rare." If only Peter knew how right he was.

"It _is_ special, I have never heard anyone named that but him." It was special and beautiful. "And I _do_ know what I can do with that information. I can be his friend." _And hopefully more_ I added for myself.

"Or... You can get a lot of money," Peter said eagerly. I didn't blame him for not knowing what it's like to have limits, he practically swims in girls.

When I didn't say anything, James took over for me. "Who wants money over love? And besides, if it doesn't work out..." he glanced at me. " _If_ , then he can reveal the name and get the money."

Even if he didn't want to be my friend, I wouldn't reveal his name. If he truly doesn't wanna talk to me, I'll leave him alone. James probably knew.

But you can't blame a man for trying.

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The whole next day, I looked for him everywhere. We didn't share too many classes and that annoyed me. But it was probably also for the best. If he is there for every class, I wouldn't be able to concentrate. I saw him in our last class, chemistry with Slughorn.

I was paired with the boy. I'm lucky, I'm really, _really,_ lucky. The universe unquestionably wanted us to be together. I had read enough romantic books to know that being seated together always turned out to be more.

He didn't talk too much. I couldn't know why, but I hoped it wasn't because of me. Maybe it was because he didn't understand anything Slughorn was telling, or because he already knew all of it.

He was so mysterious.

Unlike basically everyone else, he didn't begin packing up just those few seconds before the bell rang. Which was just perfect for me. Everything was so convenient for me. Thoughts about the universe came back to me and I suddenly got filled with courage.

I waited until everyone else was out of the classroom. This was it. "How are you doing, Sirius?" I hoped my voice didn't sound too weird. I wasn't sure how to pronounce his name, but I had practised the previous day.

Sirius almost cracked his neck as he turned around. It was as if he had been struck by lightning. His face was unreadable. I suddenly felt bad. I shouldn't have done it this way. I shouldn't have invaded his privacy. His eyes were going wide and were full of regret.

"H-How...?" he stammered out, before quickly grabbing his bag and running out of the classroom. Leaving me to stare after him.

I had a feeling I just ruined it all.

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 **Please leave reviews. I love them so much.**


	4. When he talked to me

_He's the one._

I didn't see him all of Wednesday. It could be because we just didn't share any classes, but I had a feeling it was something else. His expression the day I confronted him still haunted me. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so stupid. I should make him feel good, not bad.

The entire event had taught me something about him; there was a whole other reason he didn't want any friends. It's not, as he told me because he doesn't want any friends. The way he panicked when I said his name convinced me there had to be more to it.

Sirius Black surely is a man of mysteries.

I expected to look for him Thursday as well, but I didn't have to. Right after I entered school, he confronted me and asked me to follow him. James raised his eyebrow suggestively, while Peter blew a kiss at me behind Sirius' back.

I followed him into an empty room.

"How many people have you told?!" Sirius' voice was dangerously chill. He closed the door just a tad too harshly. Sirius had his arms crossed and he looked mad. At me. He looked at me, and he was mad.

"No one," I answered truthfully. He looked doubtful.

"No one?" he repeated. I nodded. Sirius looked down and seemed to think. I don't think he expected that I hadn't told anyone. Why did he think I meant to harm him? "What do you want?" he asked carefully, quietly.

I answered just as careful. "I want to be your friend" I tried smiling, but it felt forced. Besides, he didn't look at me; the floor seemed to have taken his interest.

It looked like he frowned, "I already told you I'm not interested in getting friends."

"I can't imagine why. Friends are the best."

Sirius didn't answer.

A painful silence fell upon us. Why was he so reluctant about making friends? Maybe he had been bullied at his old school. Could it be me? Was I too forward? I don't think so, people have always described me as shy,

I tried to read his face, it was hard seeing as he still stared at the floor.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't do what I did. I won't tell anyone," I said. I wanted to get a reaction out of him, but I also wanted to make sure he knew. I'll just have to show I can be a good friend. My plan had been a failure so far, but this was still the most he had ever spoken to me.

He hesitated. "Promise?" Sirius surely isn't a man of many words. But that's okay.

"Promise," I repeated. I had expected at least the tiniest of reaction, but he simply walked out of the door. It was my fault really. I had put too much pressure on him. Also, I shouldn't have expected him to talk; he never does that.

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"And then he just walked out?" Peter asked confused, I had told them all about what had happened between Sirius and I. Without mentioning his name, of course.

"Yeah, I don't know what I should do, I've never met anyone more closed off than him. I'm not even that shy."

"So he's a closed book, but that's not gonna stop you, right?" James asked. He isn't the kind of guy who doesn't give up when the going gets tough and takes great pride in helping us quit being quitters.

We went to the cafeteria. Sirius was like all the other days, nowhere to be seen.

"Of course not," I said. "But he's not just a closed book. He's like a book that has a gorgeous cover, but no title, so you don't know if you wanna read it, but it looks good, so you think you want to read it, but turns out there's a lock on the book, therefore you can't anyway."

"That was very detailed, have you been thinking about that?" Peter asked. It was easy to spot the amusement in his voice. I nodded reluctantly. "Maybe you just need a new plan then."

"You could perhaps just find someone else. I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like he wants you, Remy," James said quietly.

"Good idea James, why don't we both go find someone who wants us." James has had a crush on the same girls for years. He even asked her out one time, but she turned him down.

"Oh, yeah, right."

Though a new plan sounded great. Having the secret backfired dramatically. Despite that, he might trust me just a little bit more. Which is great. I want him to have friends. I have to be careful, though. He clearly wants everything to slow down, if not even stop fully.

If I'm not careful, I might ruin everything.

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I was waiting for James and Peter at the front door. We had agreed to go to James's place after school "to do our homework". Which roughly translates to; I do my homework, while they do theirs for about half an hour and then play video games.

I looked at my phone to appear less awkward. You know, not doing anything. Just scrolling around, without a purpose. I looked up to see if they were coming soon, instead, I saw Sirius.

"Hi." I smiled at him.

He stopped in the middle of the hall, staring at me. He opened and closed his mouth. I continued to smile in the need of something better to do. Sirius sighed. "Hi," he said slowly and began walking again.

"He's a little weird," said Peter behind me

"But little Rem Rem here likes it, am I right?" James asked, knowing the answer.

I grinned.

James and Peter were my two best friends. I had known both of them forever. They matter more to me than anyone else in the world. I never doubted that they would help me no matter what. That's what friends are for; helping each other and make them happy.

That's what I want to be to Sirius. It doesn't seem like he has a lot of people in his life. With no friends at all in school. He doesn't even have social media.

Something about him attracted me, I wanted to get to know him. Be his friend, and if he wants to, his boyfriend. I needed him to talk to me. At this pace, we would never get together.

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Remember to review/comment, it makes me happy, and inspires me to continue :D


	5. When it started

_I want to know him better._

Being in love was much harder than I had ever imagined. Surprise! Life isn't just dancing in flower fields and rainbows in the sky. Though I had always hoped it was.

My crush on Sirius was terrible. He never talked to me. I didn't even know if he was into boys. I would probably never find out. I hoped I could. He looked so perfect and vulnerable. I just want to hug him tight and never let go, but he won't let me.

It was hard to describe what I feel for him, when I look at him I just... feel happier. Like there's a thousand butterflies in my stomach. He made me smile and I didn't even know him. I couldn't even begin to imagine how he would make me feel if we got together.

"You are way too obsessed with him," Peter stated during lunch Friday. I may have been mourning a bit, but he wasn't wrong.

"What if this is the guy for Rem," James said in my defence.

Peter looked around the table, making sure no one was eavesdropping. "There are tons of other guys out there you could date."

"It isn't that easy. I have to get attracted, they have to get attracted. Even then, they have to be accepting of... me."

James and Peter looked at each other, they had never seen me like this. I hadn't really had a crush before either. No guys at the school were out, and I didn't like the thought of dating girls if they didn't know that big part of me.

"Rem," James said quietly. "I know you want him, but you can't let this control you. He has made it very clear that he doesn't want any friends, including you. Maybe he will come around eventually, though I don't think you should push him."

I sighed, "I know, I know. You're right. Yeah, you are right James! I'll give it a break." I smiled. "I think I need a boy's night, to get my mind off him."

They both lightened up. "It's perfect," Peter exclaimed. "Mary is hosting a party tonight, we can all go and hang out together!"

James rolled his eyes, "If you say so Pete, though there's no way you won't go off with a girl." Peter almost pulled an offended expression but realized it was more likely than not. "If you do," he paused dramatically. "Then Rem should be allowed to go off with a special someone too. Provided he shows up." James blinked to me and smirked.

"It's guys night. I won't go after him." Plus, the thought of 'going off' with Sirius the same way Peter always did, made him slightly uncomfortable.

"Argh, come one Rem, a party is a perfect place to get to know him better. Just give him some beer and you'll be great," Peter said.

"It sounds good," I agreed. Though I don't want to know him better under the influence of alcohol. "But he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who likes to party."

"Maybe he's the kind of guy who stays sober at parties. I cannot stand those types." Peter said the last part with a smug glance towards James.

"Hey!" James exclaimed offended. Both Peter and I laughed.

I never really thought I would be the kind of guy who got hung up on a crush. Turns out I was. Life was full of surprises. Though no one is as full of surprises as Sirius.

.:lll:.

Another party. It was pretty much like the last one, though this one is more 'girly', also hosted by a girl. Firstly, her parents are home which just makes everything super awkward, they are in their bedroom, but it feels like you aren't supposed to be too loud, get too drunk, or snog too much.

Secondly, Mary doesn't have as big a house as other people, so much of it has to take place outside It's cold outside.

I like it though. The music wasn't deafening, meaning you were able to hold an actual conversation without having to yell into each other's ears. There were also fewer people. James, Peter and I had lost of fun. We even ended up talking to Alice, Mary and Lily. The last whom James had had a crush on forever. He was barely able to take his eyes off her.

Marlene came into the room along with Dorcas, and she suggested they played truth or dare. I would call it a childish game, but it's fun. And better than spin the bottle, because frankly, I'm not comfortable kissing all these people.

"I start. Lily, truth or dare?" Marlene asked in a mysterious voice.

"Dare" she picked. We all started clapping, and James even whistled. It was a well-known fact that it was dangerous' to pick dare when Marlene asked.

"I dare you to kiss... James!" And of course, we were right.

Lily's cheeks heated up immediately... maybe James' crush on her wasn't as one-sided as I thought. She sat in front of him, ready to kiss, but he stopped her.

"You don't have to if you don't want." Despite his words, it was clear there was nothing in the world James rather would than kiss her.

"No, it's fine."

With that said, they both leaned in for a quick kiss. Lily then returned to her seat, her red cheeks still apparent. It appeared as if James' brain had stopped working. His eyes were still dreamy.

I wonder what it would be like to kiss Sirius. Has he kissed other guys? Girls?

"Truth or dare, Remus?" Lily asked. Her lips were curved into a smile similar to the one James had. She had definitely enjoyed it as much as him.

"Truth." Call me boring all you want, but Truth is safe for the most part.

"Rumor has it that you know the new guy's name, what is it?"

Crap.

I decided right then and there I couldn't tell. Firstly, it's his secret, not mine. Secondly, I had promised I wouldn't tell.

I raised my eyebrow at her. James and Peter sent me subtle worrying glances. I tried making my tone as believing as possible. "I don't know his name."

Luckily, they all seemed to believe me. Now I just had to divert the attention.

"So, Pete. Truth or dare?"

The night went fine from there, I wasn't dared to kiss anyone, no one mentioned Sirius again, and everything was just fine.

It only lasted till Monday morning though.

"We're going to have a math test," Slughorn announced to the morning-tired class. Everyone groaned, except Sirius who stayed quiet in the corner.

"Oh, come on, it's not that bad. It's just revision from what you learned last year. I need to know if you've forgotten everything." This didn't brighten any moods.

Why have the teachers forgotten what it's like to be young? Why must we have math tests on Monday mornings?

"It's an easy one, alright. You'll do it on computers, therefore your result will be ready the second you finish."

Everyone already had their computers on the table. The people in the back even had it open already and was probably playing computer games. Slughorn gave Sirius one of the old ones the school used to have before students were expected to have their own computer.

We had taken these kinds of tests a million times before, therefore already knew what to do. Slughorn opened the test, and we all began. Except a few who were more interested in sleeping.

We had one hour.

As soon as my brain got to work, it was smooth sailing. As Slughorn had said, it was only things we already knew. I even finished early and had time to go back and double-check my answers.

Math is one of my best subjects.

"Times is up, everyone click 'finish'," Slughorn said once the hour had passed.

I got an A, of course. I smiled a little. Tests can be stressful, but a good grade always helps my mood. I looked towards James and Peter to see how it went, they mouthed B and D respectively. When I mouthed A, they gave me a flat look.

Sirius stared at the computer; his face unreadable.

Slughorn spent the rest of the class explaining the tasks which most of the students had trouble in. This day was starting great.

Instead of listening I decided to lean back and block out the sound. I knew all of it anyway. The bell rang forcing my daydreams away. Students began chattering, wanting to hear what everyone else got.

"How can you get A every time?" Peter complained.

I chuckled.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Slughorn asked. I turned around, only to find out he wasn't talking to me, but Sirius, who nodded, and silently waited in front of his desk. Slughorn didn't begin talking till we all had left the room and closed the door.

Wonder what they were talking about.

I didn't see him for the rest of the day. Not that it bothered me at all... or something. Why couldn't he be outgoing? It would be so great if he thought I was cute, or something like that, and tried to seduce me. The thought alone gave me goosebumps.

I was on my way home after all my classes had finished when McGonagall approached me and asked for a second of my time.

"Of course," I answered politely. James and Peter continued walking to give us a bit of privacy.

"A student has requested help with math, can I expect that you will assistance?" I nodded, thinking back to my dreams of finding my true love that way. "Good, thank you. He's in the library right now."

James and Peter who had overheard the conversation said goodbye to me once McGonagall had left.

I went to the library. My stomach was filled with anticipation.

I guess you've already guessed who I found in the library. One wouldn't believe I could be that lucky. But I could. I almost couldn't hold back a smile. This was truly happening.

I found none other than Sirius Black.

"I wanna talk about math, and only math!" he requested bitterly.

"Of course," I said, but didn't believe it. We would be talking a lot together during this time, which meant we would most likely become friends.

Maybe I could get my happy ending with him after all.

Maybe.

.:lll:.

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 _Please review!_ _Nothing makes me happier!_


	6. When he smiled

_He was wonderful._

"Where do you want to start?" I asked. Sirius and I were sitting next to each other in the library. We would have to spend so much time together so I could tutor him, which is amazing.

Now I could make up for discovering his name. I could show him how nice I can be, and maybe from there, we would become friends.

"I don't know. I'm bad at all of it," Sirius said, without looking at me.

"Did you do the homework last week?"

"I tried."

"Maybe we should start there," I offered. I learned from teaching other students that practising different things by doing their homework made them more motivated.

Sirius shook his head. He had his arms crossed, blocking me out completely. I wondered if he was this closed off from everyone, or just me.

"What else do you wanna do then?" If he didn't like my ideas, he would need to have some himself.

"Slughorn opened a 'test-test' for me on the computer. It's similar to the one we had today. He said you were a really good teacher," He mumbled, still not looking directly at me. "I don't have a computer yet, but he said we could use yours."

I smiled discreetly. He had never said that much to me before. We hadn't even begun and it was already brilliant. "Then we'll do that."

I found my computer and the website. Sirius logged in with his codeword. This caused him to open up his arms. He started the test-test, the first question came up;

2x + 4 = 34 - 3x

"Okay, that's an easy one," I told him as I wrote it down on paper. I always found it easier to write it down, then calculate.

"That's an easy one?!" he complained.

I shouldn't have said that. "It's okay," I assured him. "You just have to get the general idea of how to solve it, and then it's smooth sailing from there. We need to get the 'x' to be alone-"

"What does that mean?"

"It means we have to get the 'x' on the one side of the equal mark, and the numbers on the other," I told patiently.

He bit his lip. "Is it annoying that I ask...?" Sirius somehow became smaller when he asked.

"No, no, not at all," I said quickly. "The more questions you ask, the more you learn, so ask away." I smiled at him. He nodded and looked at the computer again.

"Which side does the 'x' have to be on?"

"That doesn't matter, it can be on any side you want, sometimes it easier to put it on the right side, and other times the left side. But it never matters."

"Where would it be easiest to put now?"

I looked at the computer, thought a little. "The left side."

"How do we make the 'x' stand alone when there is two of them?" he asked, genuinely confused. Oh god, he just said 'we' as in _we_ are doing something together. I was way too hype for no reason at all.

"We put them together." He continued to look confused, yet I kept explaining. "Right now there is 2x's on the left side, and less than 3x's on the right side-"

"What does that mean? Why is it less than 3x's?"

"Because it says '- 3x' which means, that we don't have 3x's, because it's minus 3. You always use the sign in front of the number."

"There is no sign in front of 34 or 2x," he said, his voice hollow.

"You're right about that. When there's nothing, it means there's a hidden plus."

He nodded to show that he understood.

I continued; "The numbers on each side of the equal sign _has_ to give the same number in total. We can add and subtract as many numbers as we please, but it has to be on both sides. Therefore, if we put '+ 3x' on both sides, the '- 3x' will become '0' and therefore nothing, while the '2x' will become '5x'."

"Because -3 + 3 equals 0? And we can just add the 'x' because it's next to 3?" he asked confused.

"That's right." I smiled. "You learn fast."

Sirius' lips curled slightly upwards, and let me tell you it was the most adorable thing I had ever seen. His eyes were shining. His teeth only just appeared between his lips. I had never noticed looked amazing before. My heart stopped a beat and oh boy I wish he would smile like that all the time.

But of course, he couldn't smile all the time. As soon as he realized that he had smiled, Sirius quickly closed his mouth again, staring stiffly at the computer.

"Then what?" he asked.

"Er... now it says '5x + 4 = 34'. We want the '5x' to be alone, so, therefore, we take 4 away on each side, because..."

He looked at the computer and tried to figure out why we would remove 4. "Because... because there is '+4' on the left side, and if we remove 4 then... then it will be '0', and then it will be '5x = 30'?"

"Exactly, do you know what we have to do now?"

"Remove 5 from both sides?"

"No."

Sirius frowned, he bit his lip again. "But isn't it '+ 5x'?"

"Well..." I paused. "Technically yes, but there is an invisible sign between '5' and 'x', and that is times, so it's '5 times x', you have to do the opposite to get it on the other side, so you have to divide 30 with 5, to remove the 5 from the left side. After then you will get the answer. Does that make sense?"

He nodded, but still looked a little confused. "Kind of. How do I divide?"

"You see how many times 5, can be in 30. You can either say 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 and then count all the times five could be there, the answer is 6. But when you have bigger numbers there is another technique, then you say; 30 divided with 5. How many times can 5 be in 3? 0 times. Then you move the 3 in front of the 0, so now it says 30, now you have to use the first technique. It doesn't make lots of sense to use at a small number like this, but with bigger numbers, it can be really useful. Understand?"

He looked very confused, but nodded, "I think so... what does it say now?"

"Now it says 'x = 6'. We have the answer."

"So that's just it? I can move on the next question?" He glanced at me for two seconds, but then lowered his gaze again.

"We can, or we can check if it's correct by replacing 'x' with '6' in the original question. Do you want to give it a try?" I didn't intend to give him an option, but it was always better if he felt like he had.

He nodded.

"You just calculate each of the sides individually, and they should give you the same answer. Remember you always have to do times first." I hoped this would go well, a little win would lift his spirit.

There was a long pause where he put the numbers together. I glanced at it while he did it, just to make sure he did it right, or to know what he needed to work with afterwards. I also glanced at him. He frowned and even pouted slightly. Would you believe me if I say he looked cute when he was confused? Cause he was!

"Both sides give 18... so that's... is that right?" He looked into my eyes. I nodded a little dumbfounded.

"If both numbers on each side of the equal sign give the same, then the answer is right."

Sirius wrote 6 on the computer, checked to see if the answer was right. It was, and he smiled to himself. He went to answer the next question.

3x + 2 = 27 - 2x

"Should we see if you can do it without my help?"

He looked a little nervous but nodded nevertheless.

I looked at his calculations while he did them, he was hesitant about some things but it seemed as if he did all of them right. Sirius looked cute when he was thinking, but that surely doesn't come as a surprise to any of you that I think that, am I right?

It's just... the way his face frowned when something didn't quite make sense, the way he smiled a little when it did. I fell for him. Hard.

"Is... Is it 5?" he asked nervously after a couple of minutes.

"Yes," I smiled, and you wanna know what? He smiled too! Not a little one like last time, a big one, a real one, the mouth reached his eyes, he was... glowing, simply glowing. I smiled more. I couldn't help it, he just looked as if he had completed his life goal.

"Really?" he asked, for a moment looking uncertain.

I nodded and repeated myself; "Yes, really"

If possible, his smile grew even wider, it turned even bigger again when he had told the computer the answer, and it confirmed it to be true.

I had never seen him smile wider and frankly didn't believe I ever would. The boy who didn't look at me, who didn't talk to me, who used the least words possible when he had to talk. He smiled at me, and honestly, I couldn't be happier.

.:lll:.

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Comment/review please, it takes a few seconds but makes my day 10times better


	7. When he thanked me

_How could anyone possibly be that cute?_

I waited for him in the library. I had suggested we could wait a day before meeting again. Breaks are important. But he had insisted on coming the next day too. We agreed to meet in the library after school. I had told James and Peter who I had to tutor, of course, they had been happy for me, but James was sure to remind me not to be too overwhelming.

Which I hadn't been, honestly. Not during the lessons at least. I had tried containing myself during these. I had been _super_ professional.

I hadn't been too overwhelming, after all, Sirius wanted to meet up with me already the next day. That meant he liked the lessons... or cared a lot about math.

His head peeked through the door. When he saw me, he walked all the way over, he sat down beside me, without looking at me.

"Did you finish the equations I gave you?" I asked.

He turned his face away as he answered. "Almost all of them"

I smiled even though he couldn't see me. Guess it was kind of a reflex. I didn't like it when he thought badly of himself, and I thought he did that a lot. I hoped to give off a positive energy that could possibly affect his mood.

"That's fine. You only got one day, and there was many."

He turned his head towards me but still didn't look at me.

"Can I see them?" I didn't like the awkward silence.

What happened? Why was he suddenly all introvert and closed? How could it be that he went from smiling to me, to refuse to even look at me again? It was like he was a completely different person.

Sirius found the paper in his bag. I had found some equations on the internet yesterday, he could practice at home.

"I'll look at them later, then I will hand them back once-"

I stopped when he suddenly looked at me, his eyes locked with mine. If I wasn't sitting down, I would have fallen. He had beautiful grey eyes. I might have drooled a bit, but anyone who had their crush staring at them would have.

"Why not now?" he asked confused, and at the same time pleading, as if he wanted me to do it now.

"Well, I could, but you would have to wait for me to finish."

"I don't care," he replied, making himself more comfortable. I stared at him for a moment, one because he was hot. Two because I didn't expect him to say that.

Nevertheless, I began to correct them. It took a while, not because of the fact that there was many, but because of the fact that he looked at me and I couldn't think of anything else.

He kept looking from the paper to me, he looked sorry whenever I made a cross but smiled a bit whenever I made a checkmark. The thought of making check marks on the rest of the equations crossed my mind, I just wanted to see him smile, but that wouldn't help him.

It didn't seem as if he was bored. It looked as he were very interested - in the paper, not me sadly. From what I've gathered, he _really_ cares about math, for some reason. Of course, it could be because we were doing _very_ easy math compared to senior year level, and he probably knew that. _Oh god, we were doing something together._

"Here," I showed him the paper once I had finished, though he didn't look at it, but me instead. For once. My heart started beating faster.

"How could you finish this fast?" His voice was hollow.

Without hesitating I took a random piece of paper from my bag and waved it in the air so that he wouldn't be able to see what it said. "I got the answers right here." I smiled, and he seemed to believe me.

I hated to lie to him, I really did, but the worst thing that could have happened was if he lost hope. If he thought he was bad, he would probably quit believing in himself, and then quit trying.

He had to keep trying.

"Are there any questions about any of it?"

Sirius looked through the paper which gave me a short opportunity to stare a little at him again. He looked so concentrated. And hot. And cute.

"That one," he pointed. "I was sure it was right."

4 * (x - 2) = 2x + 6

His answer had been -4, how in the world he could think that was right... I can't even, what? "Did you remember to check after you did it?" I asked casually. Despite that, he bit hard into his lip and held his arms around himself.

"Hey, it's okay!" I hastened to add. _Don't close yourself, please don't close yourself._ "Everyone makes mistakes, now you can learn from this time, and then remember to check next time."

"Sorry I just-" Sirius hid his face in his hands. "Just a moment."

"Okay," I whispered.

I tried not thinking of what Sirius thought about. His feet tapped against the floor as if he wasn't sure whether he should leave or not. Though he stayed. Breathing loudly, however, it slowly became quieter.

I couldn't help but stare at him. His long, pale fingers were just so beautiful, there was a little mark on one of them. Just a little scar. Wonder where that came from.

From distance, his hair looked wavy and silky. Also soft and just the kind of hair that would be amazing to pull one's fingers through... but close it looked kind of messy. He probably hadn't brushed it in a few days.

Suddenly his whole body stiffened. What would happen if I just leaned over and hugged him-

No

I shouldn't do that. I could ask him if I may of course, but it would be a weird thing to ask about. So, I didn't, even though I really, _really_ wanted to. Considering everything I knew, he probably didn't want a hug even though at the moment it seemed as if he needed it.

Sirius finally looked up. Completely ignoring everything that had just happened, he asked me; "What's the answer then?"

"I can't just tell you, but maybe you can tell me what you did, then I can see what you did wrong, so we know what you need to work on."

He looked at the paper and thought a little.

"I-uhh, I divided with x into both sides cause it's *x, so there was now one x on the left side and none on the right. Then I added 2 on both sides because it said -2. Then it said +8 so I subtracted 8 on both sides, and it said -4 = x."

I was mildly surprised that he knew about negative numbers. But that's a plus. Wait.

"You had to times into the parentheses."

"The- what?" he asked confused the frown growing back on his face.

"When it says 4 times parenthesis, you gotta say 4*x, which turns to 4x, and 4*2, which gets 8x." he still looked confused, but there was a little glint in his beautiful grey eyes. "Do you understand?" I asked and tried my hardest not to put my hand on his back.

"What if it said + instead of *?" Sirius' voice became tiny. I kinda began to see a pattern.

"Then you don't, it's only when it's times" I explained, he nodded. "Do you wanna try and do it again?"

He shook his head.

Sirius looked down at his hands, he drew circles on himself, somehow, he had flinched away from me. Was it something I did? It couldn't be..., right? I hadn't done anything to upset him... I thought.

"Why not?" I asked quietly.

"Because I'm too stupid to understand it anyway." His arms were crossed. I thought he had had an awful day.

"Can I hug you?" I blurted out. Hugs were nice. Perhaps it could make him feel better. The worst thing that could happen was if he stopped believing himself. I could not stress this point enough.

He shook his head again, but only after hesitating a second.

"Okay listen- "he flinched, and I continued quieter. "I know it's probably overwhelming moving to a new school where everybody already knows each other. You've probably moved to a new house and stuff I don't know why you moved, but... I don't know. And I know I haven't exactly been the... best, about some things and I'm sorry."

His shoulders seemed to relax a bit.

"All those things take a lot of energy, but don't think that you are too stupid to learn. Nobody is. I mean, you are here. You know you need help and you asked for it, there's a lot of people in this school who doesn't ask for help. And I think you are really brave for doing so."

Finally looking at me, he replied;

"Thank you."

.:lll:.

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Leave a review, please!


	8. When he believed

I wish that I had had the time to say goodbye.

Being in love feels amazing, being in love with someone you can't have felt awful. That´s how I´m feeling, awful. I was being polite when I asked _if_ he wanted a hug, instead of just hugging him. He didn´t want to.

We had found some more equations, he didn´t have time to meet Wednesday, for whatever reason, I didn´t ask.

It was lunch, Thursday, I had planned to do my homework at James´s house again, with James and Peter of course. Still meaning that I did mine and they didn´t so much, but Mrs Potter usually baked cakes or cookies or something. Who could say no to that?

"I don't know guys, how can he go from smiling to me, to not looking at me again?" I sighed dramatically. It had bugged me since yesterday, he was hard to figure out.

"Don't worry Rem, he probably just had a bad day or something" Peter told ensuring.

"I know, I know, but…" I groaned, I had too many questions and not answers enough, "I´m just tired, that´s all"

"Remus at least you know he is softening, Lily still don't talk to me and I have known her for years, you have only known him for less than two weeks" I looked at James and knew he meant it.

I sighed. "I´m sorry to bother you guys with my guy-problems all the time, I know its probably not always fun to hear about"

"It´s okay" Peter assured him, "I´m already used to James whining about Lily"

"Hey!" James called.

Peter and I laughed.

"Though at least it goes somewhere with you and Lily," I told James, "you kissed last Friday, remember?"

James blushed slightly, "how could I forget?" he asked dreamily, I wondered how much time he had used thinking about it, on the other hand, if I got to kiss Sirius, I would probably think about it a lot too.

"Thinking about snogging a certain someone?" Peter laughed, I hadn´t realized that they had continued talking, a slight blush revealed me.

"Pete," James said with a little smirk on his lips, even though he talked to Peter, James eyed me. "What do you say if they both get into a game of truth or dare, we will dare one of them to kiss the other." I blushed, and James laughed.

Also laughing Peter agreed.

"Thanks, guys"

Sirius usually stayed in the shadows, at least I could never seem to find him, though he was apparently really good at finding me. After school he walked up to me from behind, he poked me three times on my shoulder.

Oh dear god, he touched me. He _touched_ me with his cute little fingers, goosebumps ran over my body, but in a good way.

"Remus?" he asked with a cute voice.

I died. I actually died a little inside of happiness. Just the way he said my name, it sent a chill down my spine. I didn´t even know that he knew my name, I don't think I have ever told him.

I turned around and froze for a moment, he didn´t look at me, though he looked really nervous, like someone who was about to ask another person out, I quickly abandon the idea, as he would ever. Maybe.

And I god he is _so_ cute.

"Yeah?" I asked after a moment of silence, James and Peter waited for me further on, but not longer so they could still hear us.

"Uhh… ((he drew circles with his shoe)) can we… uhh…" he bit his lip, I held my breath. Maybe. "can we do math today?"

I wasn´t just mildly disappointed, I was _really_ disappointed, why should I get my hopes up? Of course, he wouldn´t ask me out. He doesn´t even want any friends.

"Ehh, actually I´m going to James´s place today" I explained.

"Oh"

There was a long silence, he had grabbed his own hand and touched it, drawing lines and drawing circles. He sighed, and then his arms hung down on each side of him.

"Sorry, I´m just gonna go-" he turned around.

"Wait" I called, he stopped and looked up, didn´t look at me but did look up. I looked at James and he nodded, "You can come with us there" I offered.

Sirius looked at James and Peter, they both smiled at him. He then looked at me, like actually looked at me, as in he looked into my eyes. My knees were melting and I almost didn´t hear what he said.

"They don't know my…?"

"Of course not! I haven´t told anyone, as I promised" I assured him.

"And we will still do math?"

"Yes! Well, uhh, some of the time, I´ll have to do my own homework too"

He nodded, and we began walking, as expected he didn´t say anything the whole trip. Though I had time take some side glances at him. Which I totally didn´t do for no reason at all. Not at all. I did it for… science, I need to find out if he is as cute as he usually is. He is.

James doesn´t live far from the school, so his mom says that we can easily walk there, and the weather is 'good', I don't mind though, it takes less time to drive, that is less time to look at Sirius.

"Is there anything specific you wanna practice?"

Sirius nodded. "I looked at some of the equations you gave me, to do them again, but there is a few I don't understand," he told quietly, eyeing James and Peter in front of us.

"Okay, have you done the new ones?"

He nodded again. "And I have checked all of them, and it matched, so I think they are right," he told me, and a little smile appeared on his face, of course still absolutely adorable. Wonder what it would be like if he smiled like that because of me. Probably amazing.

His laugh is probably the cutest one ever.

"That sounds good" I smiled, of course, he didn´t see that when he refuses to look at me, he touched his upper arm nervously.

If he was my boyfriend right now, I would definitely put my arm around him, and pull him closer to me. It would be difficult to walk, but I wouldn´t care, if he is close to me I wouldn´t care about anything. There is no way he wants that, if he doesn´t want a hug when he is feeling down, then he surely doesn´t want when he isn´t.

Maybe, just maybe Sirius actually want friends. It makes sense, of course he wants someone, and he agreed to go hang out with us at James´s house, to do math, yes, but maybe it´s just a cover. What if him being bad at math is just a cover to hang out with me? Oh god, that would be so adorable.

We all made it to the front of the house, James, Pete and I casually walked up there, but Sirius hesitated and stared shocked at the house.

I stopped up and stared at him staring at the house, why is it that everything else but me can catch his interest? "You coming?" I asked him, James and Peter were already inside. Wide-eyed he moved his to mine and locked them. Once again, my heart melted. The sun hit him from above and he was shining. He was beautiful.

"That´s his house?" Sirius asked when he stood next to me.

"Yeah, it´s pretty big, that´s why we always hang out at his place. Plus, his mom bakes."

"That sounds nice" he whispered. Once again, I wasn´t sure if I was supposed to hear it, he kept staring at the house, his right hand was on his left upper arm. I stared at him for a moment, not sure whatever I should break the silence or let him stay a little longer.

When I thought about it, he looked small compared to the big house. Somehow it looked as if he fit into it, but on the other hand, he couldn´t fit less into it.

"Should we go in?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, right"

We walked in, him a little behind me. This time it didn´t feel like he avoided looking at me, it was more like he was too busy looking at all the things in the house. I took off my shoes and jacket, cursed myself for wearing two different coloured socks, he took off his shoes but kept his leather jacket on.

Now that I think of it, I don't think I have seen him without it. It must be pretty hot ((like him)) with it on all the time after all the sun was shining.

I lead him into the living room, quite a big one, it was split into two, the one half contained two couches that was placed in front of the television. Behind the television, there were some gigantic windows. The other half had a long table they would use to study, the Potters used them to eat at if they had guests.

It was all white.

His white t-shirt was pretty dirty, I hadn´t noticed when the only thing I could compare with was black, but in here it looked more like grey than white.

James and Peter, had rather tactical placed themselves the longest away from us as possible, have I ever said that I love them? I gestured to a chair in which Sirius sat on and then I took the chair next to his.

"Which was it that you didn´t understand?" I asked, he opened his bag to find the paper with equations I gave him, he took up both the new ones and the old ones. They had become a little crumpled by being in the bag.

I think he saw the face I made -I hate it when paper gets crumpled- cause he bit his lip and tried to smooth it out, I think I actually saw his tongue come out a bit. Just a tiny little bit, but it was small and cute and red… I don't think I have ever been in love with someone´s tongue before. That sounds weird.

"This one" he pointed, "you made a cross, but I re-calculated it and checked after, and I can't see how its supposed to be wrong" Sirius bit his lip again, this time not out of concentration, but out of regret. It was really hard for me not to hug him.

12x + x (2 - 4) = 0

His answer was x=0. I quickly looked at it to see what the actual answer was, at first glance his answer actually seemed right, but why should I have made a cross if it was right?

He expectantly waited for me to find for the mistake, which I couldn´t. For me, it seemed as if 0 actually is the answer.

I frowned. I must have gotten distracted when he looked at me that I accidentally made a cross instead of a check mark.

"Is it that bad?" he asked broken.

"No… no, I actually think it´s right. It was my mistake, sorry"

Sirius looked disbelieving. "I did it right?" he asked hesitantly, and I nodded. "And you did it wrong?" I nodded again. His face cracked into a little smile, "so I was smarter than you?"

I cracked a smile too, "yes, you were smarter than me."

He turned away and smiled for himself. And you wanna know what? It´s totally okay. Yes, I didn´t see him smile as much as I had hoped for, but he did smile, and he had gotten some confidence. Which is so utterly important as I have mentioned so many times before.

Cause believing in yourself is important.

This is exactly what he needed to keep working. He gladly did other equations, and did them right, even though he kept nervously eyeing James and Peter. The rest of the day he didn´t seem sad, he had stopped smiling, but his eyes smiled.

And it's still the cutest smile I have ever seen.

/bip bip, a bit longer than usual, remember to review, comment, like, stuff, just if you wanna make me happy :D/


	9. When we became friends

_Just the thought of him._

I had a dream about him actually. In it, he didn't talk to me, didn't look at me and didn't want to befriend me. Then I realized it wasn't a dream. Then I was sad.

Though it brightened my mood to think about his rising level of confidence and his happy mood last Thursday. It warmed my heart to think of him being happy. It really did. And it did because I cared about him. I cared about him being happy.

But why couldn't I care about someone who cared for me too? Life wasn't fair.

If it wasn't clear before, it should become clearer now. I wanted him, and only him. If he didn't want me, then I would find someone else, but before that, he would be the only person I could think of.

I had gotten the opportunity to help him and I was really glad about that. If I could make him feel better, and make him more skilled at math, then it would be perfect. Like him.

Getting to know him was probably the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. He was so sweet and cute. He was really cute.

As usual, I walked down the hallway to the library after school had ended. Sirius and I had planned to continue practice math. Today I would teach him a bit about BODMAS. He seemed to understand it, but I just wanted to quickly go over it anyway.

A group of people stood just outside the library, though I paid them no mind. After all, students standing outside the library wasn't unusual, but rather students inside were. However, when I came closer, I saw that someone stood in the middle. Specifically Sirius.

The people around him kept talking to him, which seemed harmless. But in the little time, I had known Sirius, I knew him well enough to know when he was uncomfortable and he was at the moment.

"HEY," I yelled. A few glanced at me, but none of them moved. I pulled the student closest to me away, perhaps a bit too harshly. But it worked. I might not have been the fittest or strongest of all people, but I was senior and super tall. No one dared to say anything.

"Get the hell away from him!" I demanded. They shrugged their shoulders and quietly left. I turned around to face Sirius, he had his back to the wall and looked down. "Are you okay?" I put my hand on his shoulder, intending to be comforting.

But I should've asked first. He slapped my hand away "GET OFF ME!" His voice was thick. I was about to apologize, but couldn't utter a word before he was screaming again.

"I don't want you! I don't need you! Get the actual fucking hell away from me!" He screamed. I took a step back. I wasn't sure what to do. If I should even do anything. He grabbed his bag from the floor and ran out of there. Not stopping one moment. Not looking back.

I let him go again.

He didn't show up for a whole week. A whole week, and I felt awful. Even though it hadn't been, I felt like it was my fault somehow, I had only helped him, right?

I hadn't informed James or Peter about the incident. It didn't feel like as if I could, but they had noticed that I had been down. They thought it had been because of the absent of Sirius. Which was part of the reason.

"Look who is here," James whispered to me. I turned around and looked at where James had been looking. Sirius was standing next to the door in the cafeteria, he nervously drew circles on his hand while he looked around. When he saw me, Sirius looked to his left and right and then walked straight up to me. Looking down the whole trip.

When he approached me, he still looked down, though I could see his face. After all, I was sitting down, and he was standing up.

"I... I'm sorry that I yelled at you," he whispered only loud enough for me to hear.

"It's okay," I assured him.

He didn't seem to be fully satisfied with that. "Will... will you still teach me?"

He couldn't possibly be cuter than he was at that moment.

"Of course, I will," I answered to which he smiled. Though a half-smile and he bit his lip. My heart started pounding fast. It was like he knew a smile would be the best way to thank me.

"Thank you." Sirius visibly relaxed in his whole body. "Can we do it today?"

"Today is great," I replied. It looked as if he was about to turn around, without thinking I blurted out; "Don't you wanna sit with us?"

Sirius stopped suddenly, he eyed James and Peter, then looked at me again. "Okay," he answered, though hesitantly. James had moved a bit and he sat down beside me. My heart pounded faster.

"Do you want anything to eat?" James asked and offered a sandwich to Sirius after a minute of silence.

"I already ate."

"It's okay," James insisted. "Mom always makes too much"

Hesitantly Sirius grabbed the sandwich eyeing me in the process. "Thank you."

"No problem," James answered with a smile. "I'm James by the way, and that's Pete" he pointed, and Peter smiled. I was so grateful they made him feel welcome.

"I'm..." he began but trailed off, biting his lip.

"You don't have to tell," Peter said quickly. "We don't mind."

Sirius smiled a little bit again. "Thank you."

There was a little awkward silence followed by that. Sirius took a bite of the sandwich. James, Peter and I ate our food too. It was Peter who broke the silence.

"Though is there something we can call you, that isn't your name?"

He thought a little, but not very long. "Padfoot." When we send him, a questioning look he explained, "My... Dad used to call me that when I was little, he said that I behaved like a dog." Sirius smiled a bit of the memory. His smile made me smile.

"We should all have nicknames," James said, grinning, "What animal am I like?"

"A pig" Peter quickly answered. I laughed, and James sent him a dirty look. Sirius kept looking between us.

"I think you can take a test on the internet," I said then opened my computer. I put it between Sirius and me so that he could look too. "Here; 'discover your spirit animal'"

Turned out that James was a stag, Peter was a rat and I was a wolf. Sirius also took the test, and he got a dog.

"James, you should be Prongs, like prongs on a stag," Peter said.

"That's dumb," James stated with a frown.

"Then it fits perfectly," Peter ducked a teasing hit from James, then added. "Plus, it's already decided."

I agreed.

"Then you have to be... Wormtail," James decided. "Because rats have wormy tails... and your dick is little."

"HEY," Peter called. "It is not!"

"Too bad Wormtail. It's already decided," James teased.

They stuck their tongues out at each other. I laughed at them, and Sirius observed. It felt so... normal and right that Sirius was there with us. James and Peter were quick to accept that Sirius was there. I looked at him looking at them with his head tilted to the side. He was beautiful.

Abruptly he looked at me smiling, the butterflies in my stomach made somersaults. His grey eyes were shining. I hadn't ever seen his eyes whine like that, not even when he did great in math.

"You are going to be Moony." He sounded excited. I wanted to adopt the name this instant. The way his cute voice had said it. Amazing.

Though Peter had other plans. "Why Moony?"

Sirius turned to him. "He is a wolf, like a werewolf, and full moons." He explained and turned to me again, still with a smile on his face.

"I like it," I stated.

"Me too," James agreed.

"Okay then," Peter also agreed.

Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. Kind of had a ring to it, right? I knew I like it at least. Partly because Sirius was in it.

"We can be the marauders," I offered, the others looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "It means an animal that causes mayhem. And in the plural, it's more animals."

"I vote for it," James stated.

"Same here," Peter agreed.

Sirius didn't say anything. He smiled, but it had faltered a bit. He drew circles on his hand again.

But I did it, we became friends.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

So, this chapter was supposed to be kind of sad? But then all of sudden the nickname thing came to me and I couldn't resist it. If you liked it please like and comment :D


	10. When it was okay

_Nice and careful. Reckless and cool. Always quiet._

When I entered the library Sirius was already there. Looking as cute as ever.

"Hi, Padfoot," I greeted. His lips curled slightly upwards at the mention of the nickname.

"Hi, Moony," he said. I smiled as well. Friends give each other nicknames. And the way he said it was just about the most adorable ever. It amazed me how one person could be that lovable.

"Slughorn announced yesterday that we are going to have a test next Monday." His horrified expression matched exactly how everyone else in class felt when Slughorn announced this. "I know he gives an awful lot of them. But at least he told us. Now we can prepare."

This didn't seem to lighten his mood.

"I have made a copy of all my notes. I've made short descriptions on how to calculate different things, in case I forget." I handed them to him. "We're allowed to bring them. I think this can help you a lot. Also with the things, we haven't been over yet.

Sirius looked through the papers. There were a lot of them. I've been taking those notes since our first year. Then at the end of the year, I would rewrite all of them to look better.

"They are alphabetized, thus it will be easy to find what you're looking for. On the first page, there's a list of content."

"That's a lot of notes," he mumbled.

"I always forgot how do calculate certain things, so I started writing it down."

"Thanks... Moony." His lips curved slightly, though shortly after he bit them. The smile wasn't directed at me, but I had gotten used to that. Besides, he looks beautiful from the side.

"Maybe today we can talk about BODMAS, do you know about that?" He should already know, but I didn't imply this.

"I know a bit... it's that thing that tells in which order you should calculate... right?" He seemed to hide his excitement, though it shined through.

"Exactly!" A self-satisfied grin appeared on his perfect lips. "Do you know the order?"

He bit his lip. "I know that addition and subtraction are in the bottom."

"That's a good start," I assured.

I looked through my bag to find a piece of paper. I had made a sketch which read BODMAS in big letters, plus a little explanation as to what each letter stood for beneath. I had coloured the letters which were in the same category.

"When it's the same colour, it means you can choose whichever you want to calculate first. It doesn't matter," I explained, and he nodded. "This is also in the notes I gave you, but I thought it was better to use a big one to explain it."

I opened my computer, I had found a math page with long calculations which contained multiplication, subtraction, times, division and so on.

"What are we going to do now?" he asked interestedly.

"I found a page where you can do the equations, somewhere on the page we can find some that only focuses on BODMAS"

"I have my own computer," he said then dived into his bag to find it. It seemed old, but also in good condition. "It's almost brand new," he told proudly. It looked only slightly used, and perhaps an old model.

He looked happy for it.

"What's the page called?" he asked and looked at me.

It took me a second before I typed the website in. To do so I had to lean a bit over him, my heart was pounding quickly. We were _very_ close to touching. I found the website. The first question came up.

5 + (3 - 2) + 3,14 =

"And I don't have to add into the brackets? It's only when it's times right?"

"Correct."

He smiled again. "First brackets? And then it doesn't matter?"

"Correct again."

As I had suggested, he brought a piece of paper and a pencil to do the calculating on. He didn't write it down, it was an easy one after all. Yet he bit his pencil and looked very concentrated.

Sirius wrote 9,14 in the square on the computer and then checked if it was correct. He smiled when it was.

.:lll:.

"You are really getting good at this," I told him after we were done. He had gotten a few of them wrong, but it was still enough for him to score at least a B in a test. If these were the only kinds of questions there were and there was no time limit. But still.

"Thanks," he beamed. We stood just right outside the school. It was cold, but the sun was shining. He had his hands inside the sleeves of the leather jacket, looking cuter than usual.

He jumped a little on the spot the gain some warm.

"So, wanna hang out or something?" I asked not looking directly at him, as he would usually do with me.

"Err..."

"You know, like friends." I laughed nervously but quickly stopped.

He immediately quit jumping. He stood completely still in fact. Not moving a muscle. He eyed me which surprised me. Usually, when he felt uncomfortable, he would refuse to even look my way. Sirius bit his lip in regret, his eyes were swimming.

"Are we friends?" he asked quietly.

I paused, not answering at first. Why was he reacting this way?

"Err... yes? I mean, I just thought so... I... don't you think so?" I wasn't sure what to say. We had nicknames for each other, didn't that mean we were friends?

"I didn't think of it like that," Sirius admitted sadly. He stared at the ground. Far away in thoughts.

"But... that's okay, right Padfoot? We had fun earlier today, don't you want that again?" I asked, hoping that using his nickname would catch some interest. He did have fun earlier, he actually did, I'm a hundred percent sure. I looked at him the whole time.

"I guess it's okay," he answered, ignoring my last comment. We stood still for a while. It felt as if he needed to think, so I let him. I waited patiently, studying his face, seeing if I could read it. It was impossible. "Remus I would love to hang out today..." he started, but it seemed as if he hadn't finished.

"But?" I asked, not wanting to know the answer.

"But today is not a great day" Sirius finished, he looked at me, hoping I would understand. I nodded to show that I did, he sighed and relaxed. "Maybe some other day" he offered.

"That would be cool," I smiled, and he smiled back.

He didn't say no.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

Whops, a rather short one. I hope it's alright, leave a comment? Leave a like? Anything would make me happy :)


	11. When he hugged me

_Wow._

He said yes.

Almost.

The day after I asked if he wanted to hang out, Sirius was a bit hesitant about things. He didn't join us in the cafeteria. I had asked, and he said maybe.

Sometimes maybe means yes, sometimes it means no. In this case, it was a no. Why would we even have a word like that? It might mean yes and it might mean no. Plus, it's super mysterious. Didn't make any sense.

"Wanna eat lunch with us today?"

"Maybe."

Thursday he was down. Barely talked, and didn't do well in the problems I had found. He got almost all the questions wrong. And it was a just revision of BODMAS, something he was quite good at.

"Come on, it'll be fine if you just try a little harder."

"I can't!"

On Friday he was nervous.

"Moony?"

Sirius stood behind me. I was about to enter the cafeteria and hadn't seen him. He spoke so softly I almost missed what he had said.

"Yeah, Padfoot?"

"Can we... can we talk a more private place?" I almost missed this as well, kinda as he missed looking at my eyes.

"Of course. Library?"

He nodded. We walked in silence. I wondered what he would tell me. Though the reason I chose the library was that no one was ever there, and it felt like a safe space. Somewhere he could be more open.

Once there, I waited for Sirius to talk first. He was drawing circles on his hand which I had learned meant he was nervous, therefore I would let him speak when he was ready. I quickly wiped my sweaty hands on my pants and sent Sirius a little smile, hoping it would encourage him to talk.

"You know... a couple of days ago. Last Tuesday..." He bit his lip.

"Yeah?"

"It wasn't a great day, to hang out, you know. And well. And yesterday wasn't either, but..." He scratched his neck, then arm. My heart hammered with the possibility of what he was about to tell me. "Nevermind-" He quickly turned around and was already half-way out the door.

"No, wait!" I exclaimed. He stopped and turned around again. "I can hang out today if that's what you want." The room was suddenly hot. What if that wasn't what he was about to ask me?

He sighed, relieved. "Yeah."

I smiled at him, and he gave a half-smile back. "You don't have to be nervous asking me. I would love to hang out with you today. Any day." I blushed just the slightest and hoped deeply that he didn't notice. "But... uhh, after school then?"

"Yeah..." Sirius said "Uhh-"

"You can come for lunch too," I added. "And you don't have to ask, we all enjoy you being there."

I wasn't lying. Both James and Peter had admitted to me they enjoyed having him around. It had made me so happy when they told me. If Sirius was into guys or partly into guys plus super interested in me, then it was great that he and my friends got along.

"Thanks."

We walked back to the cafeteria together. If we were a couple, I would hold his hand. I beamed the thought of hanging out with him. Of course, we had done it before, but not outside of tutoring. I was already excited. James and Peter waited in there and waved when they saw us.

"Hi, Padfoot. Hi Moony," Peter greeted.

"Hi Wormtail," I greeted and sat down. Sirius sat down next to me. Like the first time we ate together, he didn't have any food. He grimaced at what I was sure was an attempt to smile. Then began drawing circles again.

"Want something to eat?" James offered a slice of pizza.

Sirius bit his lip. I knew he wouldn't take the offer unless James insisted, but before I could send James a look, he had already placed the slice in front of Sirius and sent him a warm smile.

"Thanks," Sirius said and took a bite. I found my lunch. We had had lasagna the day before, and I had gotten the leftover. Cold lasagna was far from my favourite meal, but still so much better than other things.

"Ready for the test on Monday?" Peter asked all of us to start a conversation.

James laughed and shook his head. "Who can be ready for a test?" -he eyed me- "if there was, it should be Moony."

I grinned, it was true. James and Peter often teased with my genius brain. I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah. You're simply jealous because I practically get straight A's"

"Right," Peter said and rolled his eyes. "What about you Padfoot?"

Sirius glanced wide-eyed at Peter, surprised that he was spoken directly to. He put down the pizza. "Uhh... I don't know, Moony says he thinks I will do good, so..." he looked at me and smiled.

I tried to look away from him, I truly did. But how was I supposed to do that when he looked so god damn adorable?

"I'm sure you'll do good," James assured, causing Sirius to smile a bit more. It made me happy that James and Peter both liked him, and it also made me happy that Sirius was happy. Bottom line; I was happy.

.:lll:.

"Where do you want to go?" I asked once our last classes were over. Sirius and I were standing outside the school. We began walking a bit towards the town. I imagined we should maybe eat something on our not-a-date. At least I thought it was not-a-date.

"I don't know, you know the town best. Where do you think?" Sirius put his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. He looked good in it. As always of course.

"Do you want to eat, or just walk around?" I asked him, hoping that he would choose the first one. It would take longer to eat. I wanted to enjoy this not-a-date as long as possible, after all, it was the first time we would hang out outside of school alone.

"Is there a park of some sort? I've never had a garden before." He had a dreamy look. Perhaps he was imagining his old house or a park.

"There's a little one, but if we take the bus, we can go to a forest." And the time spent on the bus both back and forth meant time we would be sitting close to each other.

"Sounds great!" Sirius grinned.

We took the bus for about half an hour. Then we only needed to walk a few hundred meters to get there.

It was amazing to see his face light up by the sight of it. Many people didn't realize they were lucky to live somewhere with a forest close to them, or a garden, or any type of nature.

While he looked at all the trees, I looked at him. Even though nature was beautiful, Sirius was much prettier.

"It's beautiful," Sirius commented. A bird had just taken off from a branch.

"You're beautiful," I said without thinking.

"What?"

Luckily Sirius had been busy looking at a lake we passed.

"Uhh..." I blushed. "It's beautiful"

The sight was painfully beautiful, and I liked it.

We walked a few minutes in silence. Our routine continued. I didn't know if he simply liked the trees, or liked the tress more than me. The thing was that a walk in the forest seemed more like a couple-thing than a friend thing.

"I'm glad you kept insisting on being friends," he said suddenly and looked down. I think he bit his lip. He looked extremely cute. I blushed even harder and felt butterflies fly in my stomach.

"Me too," I stated truthfully.

He looked up at me. "Why even? I wasn't very friendly..."

I let out a content sigh. "You seemed interesting. And I thought it might be hard to move someplace new, I just wanted to make you feel welcome." I wiped my hands. "Then I found out you're cool to hang out with."

"You are cool to be with too." He looked away again. The butterflies didn't seem to get any rest. "And thank you. I didn't realize how much I needed a friend."

It was like a punch in my stomach, but I kept the smile on. "It's fine" I assured him. "Why was it you didn't want any friends though?" I couldn't help but ask.

Like a stroke of lightning, the atmosphere changed. Sirius stopped. He held both arms around himself.

"No, sorry, I shouldn't ask. If you don't want to answer, it's okay. Of course, it's okay... I... I'm sorry," I blurted out. "Sorry"

Sirius shook his head having come over most of the shock. "No, it's okay," he muttered. "You couldn't know."

We walked in silence for a bit. I didn't know if he didn't want to talk, or was thinking or whatever, but I felt dumb for asking. He had never liked sharing personal information.

I tried to come up with something to say, I wanted him to smile and be excited about the forest again, like before. Why was I dumb and had to ruin it?

"I had a friend once," Sirius told, avoiding my gaze and looking forward. "And he... he wasn't a very good friend. He was a really bad friend, and I... I guess I'm afraid everyone was gonna be like him."

He looked into my eyes and we both stopped.

"I'm glad you aren't."

.:lll:.

"Are you ready?"

"I... I don't know, I guess so," Sirius said, rather pale.

"Good." I smiled. "It's not that bad, I promise"

He nodded. Sirius was too nervous to do it properly. He had to relax. Stressing about it wouldn't do any good.

"Just relax Sirius, it's not like it's the most important test of the year. You'll be fine. Just remember if you don't know the answer, just skip to the next question. Do the ones you can, and if you've tried everything and still can't find the answer, then guess."

"How am I supposed to remember all that?" He supported his head with his hands.

"I wrote it down on the notes I gave you."

"How come you've thought of everything?" The tiniest indication of a smile appeared.

"Just about," I replied, grinning.

Slughorn came and asked us to find our seats. I wished Sirius good luck and walked away. To be honest, I was more nervous for him than myself, if he failed this... I would have to build his confidence slowly back up again. But I would gladly do it!

I tried to concentrate on my test. After all, it wouldn't do him any good if my grade was bad. Once I was done, I glanced at him. He was looking through the notes I had given him. He bit into his pencil, yet there was a fire in his eyes. Honestly, I was proud of him.

Not long after, Slughorn told us to end the test. I got an A. James had C and Peter had D. I glanced at Sirius again. His screen was half-closed and he stared at seemingly nothing.

As soon as Slughorn dismissed class, I strode walked over to Sirius. "What did you get?" I asked him.

He simply shrugged.

"You haven't checked yet?"

"What if it's bad?" he asked.

"Can I?"

He nodded.

I turned his computer around so he wasn't able to see the screen and opened it. He got a C. My heart skipped a beat. I wasn't sure if this would please him or not but hoped for the former.

"You got a C."

"What?!" Sirius jumped up and grabbed the computer staring at the screen. "I got a C?!" He inhaled sharply.

Before I could realize what was happening, Sirius had his arms wrapped around me. It took me a second to wrap my arms around him as well. He smelled amazing. My heart was pounding like crazy and I just wished it would never end.

"Thank you so much Moony."

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

I posted two times on the same day, and now I'm going to take a long break working on other fics.

Uhh, it's about to get exciting. An extremely happy chapter for Y'all, hope you enjoyed it, like and comment if you wanna make me happy :D


	12. When he regretted

_I wish I had used the time better._

Our hug lasted roughly five seconds before Sirius hastily let go. He seemed paler than ever. His gaze landed on the floor, which was suddenly the most interesting thing in the room. He pressed himself as long away from me as he could, but the table was in the way. We were very close. I had no idea why I didn't move.

"Sorry. I didn't... sorry," he stuttered. Sirius still pressed himself away from me. I, however, didn't move. His whole body was tense. Our bodies were only a few centimetres apart.

I stared at his scalp. It wasn't difficult to see his pale skin behind his black hair. I wished I could move to give him some space, but my body didn't seem to respond.

James came to my rescue. "Hi, guys. Padfoot what did you get?" he asked casually. Sirius looked at him. I finally broke out of my trance, took a step back causing Sirius relaxed visibly, but not fully.

"Uh... I got a C." It was impossible to know whether he was happy about the result or not. James ignored that.

"Me too." He smiled wryly. "Peter only got a D though. I'm assuming it went a lot better than last time, does that mean Moony is a good tutor?"

"It did. He is." Sirius cast a glance at me, but then moved his gaze back to James.

"Well, I'm gonna catch my next class, see you two at lunch?"

"Yeah, of course." I tried sounding as casual as possible, yet I couldn't even remove my eyes from Sirius. James quietly left the classroom, leaving Sirius and me alone. Sirius hastily put the computer into his bag and practically ran out.

I couldn't let him. The last time he had walked away while upset, I didn't see him for a whole week. Without thinking much I grabbed his hand, preventing him from moving. Though his expression caused me to drop it again like I had been burned.

"Please don't go." I hated to see him upset and needed to help. "Don't worry about the hug. Okay. I don't mind. I'll... We can pretend it didn't happen if you want to!"

"I got to go now..." Sirius murmured, yet made no move to go. He gently held and drew circles on the hand I had been holding only a few moments ago.

"Are you upset? I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry if you didn't want to hug, but... but if you are upset you can tell me. We are friends, you can talk to me." I gulped, wishing desperately I had said the right thing.

"It's not your fault," Sirius whispered. "I know... my... I know someone who I can talk to. Don't worry." I sighed with relief. He had someone. Though, still, neither of us moved. "I have to go to class now," he said.

"I'll go with you," I blurted and stood next to him. "Or some of the way."

He nodded slowly, finally letting go of the hand I had held. I suddenly realized I had been holding his hand. For a short moment, but that fact didn't stop a little blush from creeping onto my face. I quickly turned my face away.

Sirius glanced the other way while biting his lip. He hugged himself and began walking, staring stiffly forward. I quickly followed suit.

.:lll:.

"Is he here?"

James and Peter were already in the cafeteria when I came. I hadn't seen Sirius since math. On the way to our next separate classes, he insisted he had forgotten something and went to get it. I had wanted to come but he pointed out I was already late. He had disappeared after that.

"Haven't seen him since math," Peter said. "What happened with that hug? One moment he looked like the happiest man on earth, yet the next it seemed he was ready to disappear forever."

My expression was horrified.

"But he won't," he quickly added.

I hid my head in my hands. "I don't know what to do. His mood swings are confusing-"

"But you don't care, right?" James asked. "You'll still do whatever you can to make him feel better, right?"

"Of course-"

"Then quit whining and tell us what the hug was like" James smirked.

I blushed slightly and coughed awkwardly. "It was amazing. His arms around me it just... it felt so right. I don't think I have ever enjoyed a hug that much. Did you know that he smells brilliant?"

Peter rolled his eyes. "Of course, he does."

"He does!" I grinned.

James and Peter were the best. Just like that, they could brighten my mood. That's what I wanted to be to Sirius.

"I was thinking..." James paused dramatically. "Frank Longbottom is hosting his annual party next Friday, now that we are friends with Padfoot, you could invite him."

I thought for a moment."It would be cool, but parties don't seem like his thing. I don't think he likes big crowds." Though it would be cool to go with him. Anything could happen at a party.

"He agreed to go on a date with you, didn't he?" Peter asked, smirking.

"It wasn't a date!" I blushed furiously.

"Well, the way you said it, it sounded like he considered saying yes until you said it was as friends... have you considered he might have wanted it to be as more than friends?" James asked.

I stared at him. "No... I haven't thought of it that way" I mumbled. "Do you think he wants to be more than friends? He doesn't even want to hug me."

"Maybe he thinks you only want to be friends, and then felt bad for doing it... no that doesn't make any sense because friends hug too..." James frowned.

I was about to answer when Peter cut in instead. "What if we all ask him to the party as a group. Once we're there James and I can find some girls to go off with, which leaves the two of you alone." He winked.

James nodded eagerly, I laughed softly. "He still doesn't seem like the kind of guy who enjoys parties," I reminded.

"Whatever, we are friends with him. It would be rude not to ask him," Peter pointed out.

"I agree, we _are_ friends, the Marauders to be exact. It's okay if he doesn't want to come, but we got to at least invite him," James said.

"Yeah." I agreed. "Thanks for making me feel better guys."

"What are friends for?"

.:lll:.

Out of habit, I walked to the library after school. Perhaps because I hoped he would be there. The boy of my dreams. I had to figure out whether he was into boys or not. None of my pining for him would matter if he was straight.

The library was one of my favourite places in the whole wide world. It was always calm. Usually, not many people would use it as one could find all the information they need on the internet. Plus the school had other places where to study. Still, the library held a special place in my heart. Also, there were books everywhere.

It had been a while since I last read a book.

I placed my bag where we usually sat, then walked between the shelves. Most of the books were worn and old. A few new ones were there, untouched. If there was magic in this world, it would surely be in a library. Honestly, what could be more magical than books?

And I meant old books and fantasy books. When I was younger, I loved to pull random books out on a shelf and hoped it would open a secret passageway or something. It hadn't happened. Yet.

When everything else failed, all you had was faith.

The door to the library opened and closed. "Moony?" I heard a soft voice ask. It belonged to Sirius.

"Padfoot?" I eagerly began walking towards our usual study spot. He stood there, looking all innocent and cute. "Hey."

"I... I'm sorry about earlier..." he looked down, not because he was nervous, but rather ashamed.

"Don't worry about it" I quickly assured. "As I said, I don't mind"

"Thank you," he replied shyly.

Honestly Sirius, for you, I would do anything and everything. The possible and impossible. I would do all that for you if you wanted to be mine, and even if you didn't. I hoped you understood this. I would do anything for you. To see you smile.

And be happy again.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

Yes I posted. I expect next chapter will be up soon. Maybe.

Leave a comment?


	13. When I asked him

_I like what I see._

"He's here," James whispered to me just as we entered the cafeteria. It was Friday, Sirius had been eating lunch with us every day since Tuesday. Both Peter and James had pressed me to ask Sirius to the party, but the moment just wasn't right.

Sirius sat alone at our usual spot. His head was hanging over a piece of paper on the table. His head rested on his left hand and he used his right hand to draw. He looked very concentrated and I think maybe his tongue was out again.

"If you don't ask him now, we're going to!" Peter warned, and James agreed with a nod.

I sighed. "Fine, I'll ask him."

They high-fived behind me.

We walked the rest of the way over there. Each step caused more butterflies in my stomach. Sirius didn't notice us. He looked so cute and I just wanted to stand still and keep staring at him. Though that would be both weird and hella creepy.

"Hi, Padfoot," I greeted, my heart hammering against my chest.

Sirius smiled and hastily moved the paper out of our sight as he answered. "Hi, Moony. Hi, Wormtail. Hi, Prongs."

"Hi," James and Peter said in unison.

James being the amazing person he was had begun to bring extra food to Sirius on purpose. Though Sirius always claimed he wasn't hungry or that he had already eaten, he always ate everything James gave him. Today it was a chicken sandwich and James handed it to Sirius like the most natural thing in the world.

Peter and James send me an insisting look. I gathered all my courage and finally asked him.

"So... there is this party later today, at Frank's place... wanna join, guys?" We had decided I would ask them all so it didn't seem suspicious that I asked him at the last moment.

"Yeah," James said.

"Of course," Peter said as well.

I stared at Sirius, waiting for an answer. He didn't seem optimistic about the idea. My heart sank a little. Despite the fact, I insisted he didn't strike as a guy who liked parties, there was still a little part of me which believed he would say yes. Well, hoped.

"I don't know..." Sirius' eyes found the sandwich he hadn't begun to eat. I couldn't see his hands, but I imagined he was drawing circles on them. "I don't really like parties."

"Come on. It'll be fun," James insisted.

Sirius quickly eyed me. I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't so determined to look at him all the time. He then looked down again.

"Please," I pressed. "It won't be the same without you."

He bit his lip and seemed to consider it. I tried making puppy-eyes. He was so close to agreeing to a party with me and had to give it everything. "I... I don't even have anything to wear-"

"Don't worry" James quickly said. "We can go to my place after school to get ready, then you can borrow something from me."

We had actually already planned this before, but we tried to make it seem like we hadn't, only because I was too much of a coward to ask Sirius earlier.

"Err... I still don't think-"

"Please," I begged. He looked directly into my eyes. My heart started pounding again and I tried my hardest not to blush.

Sirius looked down at his hands. Probably watching the one makes circles on the other. He took a deep breath and looked into my eyes again. "I just... I don't wanna be alone, and... can we all just stay together the whole time? It's just that I... big crowds are just..."

He bit his lip, giving up on trying to form the sentence. I wished I could hug him and make him feel better, though I could sense that wasn't what he wanted. Besides he had never given any indication that he liked hugging in general or had any interest in hugging me.

"I'll stay with you the whole time. Promise." He offered me a grateful smile, oblivious to the storm raging inside of me. It seemed as if the butterflies were having a war down there.

He didn't only say yes, but also trusted me enough to make him feel better in a slightly uncomfortable situation.

"Okay then," Sirius said softly. "I guess it could be fun."

I smiled. And so did he.

.:lll:.

"Can I, uh... can I borrow your phone?" Sirius asked shyly.

School had ended not long ago, and we all went straight (pfft) towards James' house. We were all going to get ready for the party. Not like girls in movies would though, we just ate some baked goods and put on our clothes. We were sitting in the living room eating those baked goods when Sirius had asked his question.

I didn't even hesitate a nanosecond. "Of course, what for?" Our fingers brushed lightly against each other as I handed it over.

"I need to... my mom. I need to tell her I'm not coming home... and that I sleep here." He dialled the number as he left the room.

I looked after him to check his butt out. It felt slightly weird and I felt like a creep. But they always did that in movies and I had to try, plus it looked rather soft.

Peter pulled me out of my thoughts. "So." He dragged out the 'o'. "Are you excited about the _party_?" Peter raised both his eyebrows suggestively a couple of times.

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

He rolled his eyes. "Remus. This is a _party._ You are both totally gonna get drunk and then it's only a matter of time before some bedroom fun happens." He spoke as if it was obvious.

"Uhh..."

"Geez Pete," James cut in. "Not everyone is you. Firstly, I don't think Padfoot will drink anything. Secondly, I don't think he wants any _bedroom fun_ to happen. He's still shy around all of us."

"I don't want either," I interjected. "I want it to be special."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Typical words from a _virgin_."

I quickly shushed him and looked towards the door Sirius had disappeared through. He had been gone for a while. I frowned. Surely, it couldn't take that long to tell his mom he was going to a party and sleep here.

"Virgin is a concept, not an actual thing," James said. "I'm virgin too. And by the way, I think it's normal to want it to be special."

Peter just rolled his eyes again.

"What? There is nothing wrong with that!"

"If you say so-"

"Well, I say so!" James stated firmly.

We all burst out laughing. It wasn't even funny but that was the best part. We could have a discussion like that, but still, be good in the end. Well, we had also been friends for many years.

"No seriously, you've got to at least make a move," Peter said, once he had caught his breath again. I had a mini heart attack when he said it. Though I realized it wasn't _Sirius_ he had said, but _serious_.

James noticed my hesitation and was about to comment on it, but I quickly cut him off.

"Of course, I'm gonna make a move. Or just do something." Just the thought of making a move made my heart beat wildly. James eyed me suspiciously but didn't say anything.

I think another five minutes passed before Sirius finally returned and handed me my phone. He sat down and acted as if nothing weird had happened, as if he hadn't just disappeared for like fifteen minutes.

"What took so long?" James asked curiously.

"It's just, she -my mom- didn't really like the idea of me going, so I had to convince her. But, it's okay now." He glanced at me as he said the last thing.

"She's overprotective, huh?" Peter asked.

Sirius shrugged, a little smile on his lips. "You could say that."

"Anyways," I said, moving my gaze around the room, having eye contact with each of them and landed on his. "We have to find Padfoot something brilliant to wear."

But it didn't matter what we chose, because no matter what, he would look perfect.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

 **This chapter was supposed to be longer, but then it turned too long so I had to split it.**

 **I can't wait to show the next part, I have been planning it** _ **forever**_ **.**

 **Leave a comment, please! :D**


	14. When I kissed him

_Amazing... so amazing. No other words._

I was wearing my favourite lucky jumper. If I would try and make a move with Sirius, I needed the extra luck. I had picked it out this morning because I knew I was going to James' place after school. Peter had done the same. He was wearing a pink hoodie, or what he liked to call it; salmon-coloured. We all disagreed. There was no reason a boy couldn't wear a pink hoodie.

James was wearing a white shirt. It would probably be ruined by the end of the night, though James was convinced he just had to be careful. The thing though, was that no one else was gonna be careful seeing as practically everybody else would be drunk. Yet I couldn't deny how marvellous he looked in it.

Sirius was dressed in a flannel shirt. I didn't know why James had it, but I hoped I was right about the reason that was the shirt Sirius had picked. It was white and grey. It made his eyes stand out more and they appeared even more beautiful than usual.

Mrs Potter drove us to the party. It was in full swing once we arrived. Sirius hesitated by the car. He stared at the house with big eyes. Suddenly I was afraid he regretted, or worse, forced himself to go anyway even though he would rather leave.

"Regretting?" I asked, hoping he would say no.

"Err... not if your promise still stands." He glanced at me with a worried look.

"I won't leave you, not even a single moment," I promised seriously. "But it's gonna get a bit awkward in the bathroom." Sirius grinned. I got so lost in the view I almost forgot where I was.

We all walked in. This party wasn't that much different from the one last summer. There were still a lot of people in little space, still drunk people everywhere, perhaps drugs, who knew. Sirius stood close to me seeing as he couldn't really stand other places. It felt like heaven. Though I hoped he wasn't uncomfortable.

"Uh. Girls ahead. See you guys later," Peter yelled then quickly moved towards a big group of girls who all greeted him with big smiles on their face. Peter was the kind of guy who was always respectful towards women. Rumours said it was only a facade to get them into bed, but I knew Peter. He was sweet and I was positive he would never hurt a woman intentionally. Plus he never became mad when they "friend-zoned" him. Which made them like him even more. As friends, of course.

James, Sirius and I stood in the kitchen. It was where some of the snacks and drinks were. It didn't take long before James spotted a certain red-head.

"Lily," he stared as her head disappeared in the crowd... guys is it okay if I go?" His question was directed at Sirius rather than me.

Sirius glanced at me. I nodded. "Yeah," he said.

James quickly left. Sirius and I were alone. At a party. Just the two of us. It was almost like a real date. Oh god did Sirius think this was a date? Was it a date? No, it couldn't be. We had gone as a group and neither of us was polysexual.

"Do you want anything to drink?" I had to lean down and talk right into his ear. The music was too loud for anyone's liking but it seemed as if most people were already drunk and therefore didn't mind.

He tip-toed to reach my ear, and I bend down slightly. His hot breath hit my skin causing me to shiver. "Yeah. Just without alcohol."

"That's okay!" I said. "I think there's soda too."

I grabbed his hand (yes, I could have grabbed his wrist, but when I had the option of something else, why should I?) and gently dragged him towards the drink-table. He didn't try to get out of my grip. He took the opportunity to walk closer to me.

Once there, we both took a can of soda and poured it into a plastic cup. We then took a sip and then just stood there awkwardly for a few minutes.

"Wanna go to a quieter place?" I asked finally. He fidgeted a lot, and kept looking around and then stare at the floor. Plus he seemed to enjoy quiet places like when he was in the library.

He nodded. We walked out on the dance floor. I had been to Frank's house before and I knew they have two living rooms. A big one which I think was usually used as a dining room, and now for dancing. And the little one with couches. Frank always arranged the little room with chips and board games. It was the quietest place in the house that didn't involve any beds.

People were jumping and bumping into us. The music was way too loud, and it hurt my ears. Sirius tried to stay as close to me as possible, but someone walked into me and my hand slipped away from his. Once I had regained my balance, I couldn't spot Sirius.

He was gone.

"Padfoot?" I yelled. There was no reply. I tried finding Sirius, but he was nowhere to be seen. I started to panic. God, I had promised. _Two_ times even and now I had broken that promise. I walked away from the dance floor. The loud music was making it hard to think.

He wasn't in the little living room.

Nor the kitchen.

Not outside.

Not even in the bathroom.

Suddenly I found James sitting on a bed chatting with Lily, Mary, Alice and Frank in a bedroom. "Hey Moony," he said happily. "Where's...?" James frowned when he didn't spot Sirius behind me.

"I can't find him!" I exclaimed. "Please. Please, help me." I clapped my hands together in a pleading manner. He took one look into my eyes and was then full of determination.

"Of course," he promptly got up and followed me out. "Where have you looked?" he asked loudly, the music almost drowned out his voice.

"Everywhere! I can't find him James, I-"

"It's okay Remus! Where did you see him last?" His voice was loud, yet calm. It helped on my hyperventilation. God, I felt like a bad person right now. He had asked _me_. He had put his faith in me and I failed him.

"On the dance floor. We were trying to get to the little living room, cause it's always quiet, but then we got separated in the crowd and I haven't seen him since-"

"It's okay Remus!" James stated firmly. "We'll find him, maybe we should try the same places again."

I nodded. James grabbed my wrist and guided me through the dancing people to the little living room. I took a quick scan, but Sirius wasn't there. I dragged James to the kitchen, but he kept standing still.

"Isn't it him there?" James asked and pointed. At first, I couldn't see anything, but when I looked closer, I could see someone sitting in the corner. I hastily walked over there. It was definitely Sirius.

"Padfoot!" I breathed, suddenly filled with relief. Sirius had drawn his knees up to his face. His arms wrapped around his head covered his ears. He was shaking all over. James sat down beside him too. "Padfoot I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave you."

He didn't look up. As gently as I could, I put my hand on his shoulder. Suddenly, as if he had been startled, he looked up. His eyes were red, and his cheeks wet with tears. When he saw me, more tears streamed down his face.

"I-I don't w-wanna be h-here" he hiccupped. I squeezed his shoulder slightly in what I hoped was a comforting manner. "I'm s-s-sorry I-I don't wanna be h-here," he cried and let out more tears.

"Why not?" James asked gently and placed a hand on his knee.

"B-Because there are people everywhere. And it's loud a-a-and it's not nice, b-but I c-can't get o-out, b-because there is p-people e-everywhere." His breath hitched. "A-And I c-can't breathe. I can't think. I-I want it all to g-go away but it d-doesn't." He tried wiping away to tears, but to no avail, as more kept coming.

It was my fault Sirius was feeling awful, and it was horrible to see him cry like that. Of course, it was okay to cry, and for boys to cry. But I still missed his smile and the way his eyes would shine. I stared pleadingly at James; he always knew what to do.

James nodded confirming.

He handed Sirius a tissue. "Look, Padfoot. You and Moony can crawl out of the window and wait outside. I'm gonna call my parents and ask them to pick us up. I'll find Pete and tell we're leaving." How James could pull such a calm and steady voice in any situation, I would never know. But nevertheless, I had never been happier for it because it seemed he had calmed Sirius down as well. As James went off to find Peter, I silently thanked him with a nod.

"Come." I offered a hand and pulled him up. We crawled through the window. I guided him over to the porch swing. The music felt distant now.

When we sat down, Sirius quickly wiped away some tears. He took a few shaky breaths but seemed to calm down. Yet his eyes were still red. It was rather chilly outside; the sun had gone down a very long time ago. The stars were blinking and were almost as pretty as Sirius.

I pointed at one of them. "That's the one you are named after, right?" I hoped to distract him. I desperately wanted him to feel better.

He simply nodded.

I looked at him and realized we were sitting quite close. His eyes were pretty despite them being all red and stuff. He looked into my eyes as well. It left me breathless. He was so beautiful.

Before I could think. And that was a good thing because if I could think I wouldn't have done it. I leaned over and closed the gap between us. His lips felt soft on mine. I swear there were literal sparks. I felt exactly like in those movies with the fireworks and lovesong. And want to know the best part? Whatever you are gonna get it. _He leaned in_. I swear to god he leaned in. I felt perfect.

I kept the kiss going for as long as possible, but in the end, we couldn't continue anymore. I slowly pulled away from him. My heart was pounding and fluttered. Though it sank as soon as I saw his expression, his eyes were blank, and he looked regretful.

Or did he? I suddenly felt ill. What if this ruined our friendship?

We were both just staring at each other for a moment, his breath hit my neck and mine hit his nose. Unsurprisingly he didn't look into my eyes. I think we both tried to figure the other out.

"Padfoot..." I whispered.

"Don't do it again," he stated firmly, but quiet.

"But-"

"Don't do it again," he begged desperately, I think tears were forming in his eyes again.

"Okay," I whispered confused. He had been leaning in, right? Sirius looked away from me again, he stared at the house. I did so too. He had been leaning in, right? Was it just something I imagined? It couldn't be, he had the power to pull away any time he wanted to. Sirius had wanted that kiss.

Right?

"Oi, Moony, Padfoot" James said with a grin. "My mom is here already, ready to go? Pete is staying."

I snapped out of my trance. I would have to think about the kiss later... oh god, I kissed Sirius. OH GOD. What do I do now? He didn't want it. Or maybe he didn't want to want it. We would still be friends, right? I would hate it if we stopped being friends.

"Yeah," I left the porch swing. "Coming, Padfoot?"

He didn't say anything but merely followed James and I. As James had said his mom was already outside the house. James sat in the front seat while Sirius and I sat in the back. It was rather awkward. I wanted to say something, but what? And I couldn't in front of James.

James' mom asked a lot of questions about the party. I tried to answer but James answered most of them. She didn't ask why we went home this early. Apparently, she was on her way to visit a friend but decided to drive us back first.

The door to their house was unlocked. It looked strange in the dark, weirdly glowing. We quietly walked up to the house, Sirius hugged himself the whole trip, I think he was shaking. Mrs Potter stayed in the car and slowly drove off.

It was dark yet warm inside. I relaxed but hadn't even noticed I had been tense. Damn this jumper, why was it so thin?

Once the door had been closed and the light turned on, Sirius reached out for his leather jacket.

"Are you going?" I asked shocked.

He rapidly shook his head. "N-No I just ne-... want it."

"Okay?"

We all walked to James' bedroom on the first floor. It was big enough for all of us. Before we left, we had made our beds ready. Sirius, Peter and I were supposed to sleep on three mattresses on the floor and James would have his bed. Though I hadn't expected Peter to be there.

Sirius left to the bathroom and came back in his own t-shirt and a pair of shorts James had to lend him. Meanwhile, I had taken off all my clothes except my boxers. James did so too. We had known each other long enough to feel comfortable around one another.

"Night guys," James said tiredly and yawned. How could he be tired already? I had personally never felt more awake.

"Night," I replied.

"Night," Sirius mumbled.

The room was all silent.

Why? Why? Why was he like that? We had just kissed, and he made me promise not to do it again even though it had seemed as if he wanted it. Was there something wrong with me? I thought he liked me, at least just as friends, but... just when I thought I could figure him out, he pulled something like that.

We had kissed, and it was amazing, but the look on his face right after, I... I couldn't forget it. Was he straight? Was he gay but not interested in me? Was he gay but in denial?

He was snoring lightly, it was adorable yet I was conflicted. Friends wouldn't hide things from each other.

I wanted answers.

And I wanted them now.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

 **Ups, wonder what Remus will do to get the answers he wants.**

 **Yas I finally wrote this chapter I have been waiting since before I began this story. Can't believe we're already this far.**

 **Like? Comment? Tell me what you think :D**


	15. When he disappeared

_I wanted him._

Sirius Black. A man of mysteries. I couldn't think of anyone more mysterious than him, not even fictional characters. I liked it in some weird way, but not right now. I _was_ his friend and friends talk to each other about the easy stuff, but also the hard stuff.

I wanted to know everything.

Though it was a tough line to walk. I had to let him know he could tell me anything, and if he did, perhaps he would feel better. But I didn't want to push him, yet still push him a little bit cause that might be what he needed.

That was the challenge. I only had a very thin line to walk on, and one thing you need to know about me is that I have big feet.

He had left early the morning after the party. His hair had been messy, his expression sleepy, and he was more adorable than ever. Which I didn't think was possible. Surely there must be a limit.

To my surprise, he showed up at school Monday. To be honest, I hadn't expected to see him for like a week. That had happened all the other times he was upset. It lifted my spirit. Sirius was even friendly towards me, said good morning and everything. I had thought he would be mad at me for kissing him.

Perhaps not.

"Remus?" he asked quietly. I suddenly looked at him. We were sitting in the library working on... something. Wow, I had been far away in thought. His eyebrows were furrowed in worry, my heart melted. "Are you alright?"

I nodded. He looked away from me again, his eyes filled with regret. Though I almost missed it. "Then why are you all... distant?" His voice was thin, like there was no power, only hopelessness behind it.

I shrugged. "Don't know."

"Is it..."

There was a long moment of silence before I realized he wasn't going to continue. "What?"

"Is it because of last Friday? Are you mad at me?" His voice was barely above a whisper, but because the library was completely empty apart from us, I easily heard him. Sirius' whole body was tense and he stared stiffly forward.

I instantly felt nauseous. "No, not at all. I thought... I thought you might be mad at me, so I just... distanced myself, I guess. I'm sorry if it upset you."

Sirius didn't relax at all. "I'm sorry I ruined the party for you."

Ruined the... what? And here I thought he was talking about the kiss. And about that kiss, why hadn't he wanted to kiss me? It could be because he was straight, but usually, straight people would say something like 'sorry. I'm straight'. He could be gay, or just not interested in me. But I had a feeling it was something deeper than that.

"You didn't ruin anything."

Sirius seemed disbelieving. I suddenly noticed he sat further away from me than usual. Did he do that on purpose? "Are you, you know, mad at me?" I couldn't help it.

He suddenly stared at me with open mouth, eyes blank. It seemed too long since the last time I saw him smile. His mouth open and closed. "No," he finally said.

This time, it was me who looked away. Shortly after, he did the same.

.:lll:.

I had finally taken the time to read a book again. I spend practically the whole day beginning and finishing it. Then I had no idea what to do. It was currently weekend and things between Sirius had I had become awkward. Every time I even came close to the kissing-subject, he shut down.

Though he had still been eating lunch with us. He didn't seem as happy as he had been before, and barely talked. He barely ate any of the food James offered him, which worried me deeply.

I _tried_ talking with him, to figure out what was wrong, and how I could help him, but again, he refused to go anywhere near the subject. James and Peter had both separately tried talking with him too, but nothing worked.

I reached for my phone to text James, then hesitated for a few minutes as I debated on what I should say.

 **Hey**

 _Hey_

 **I'm worried about Padfoot.**

 _Same_

 _Do you think something happened at the party_

 **I did something at the party which upset him. I don't think I'm supposed to tell, sorry. I didn't mean to upset him, and I've tried talking to him about it, but you know how he is. I think he's mad at me**

 _Have you asked him_

 **Yeah, but he said he wasn't. Though I'm not sure if he lied, cause he seems pretty upset**

 _And you think its because of the thing you did?_

 **I think so... do you think it's my fault?**

 _No!_

 _I know you and whatever you did Im sure it wasnt on purpose_

 **Hmm... do you have any idea what we should do?**

 _Have you apologized for doing the thing_

 **Technically no... but I said I wouldn't do it again**

 _Start there_

 _Are you meeting tomorrow for tutoring_

 **Yeah. Do you think it will help? What if it doesn't?**

 _Just tell him that you worry about him_

 _Ask what he needs_

 _Maybe all he needs is a hug_

 **Thanks, James, I'll try**

 _Great see you tomorrow and good luck_

 **Thanks, see you**

.:lll:.

I was a nerve wreck. To say it lightly. I had come early to the library cause I had brought two cups of hot chocolate. Chocolate, and especially hot chocolate, had a calming effect on me, and perhaps him as well. Plus the library was cold. Autumn was upon us, and the school didn't bother warming up a room no one used anyway. Perhaps they failed to see no one used it _because_ it was cold.

I only used it because it was the only quiet place in the school. And for the books. Also because no one would care if you brought food or drinks because it was always empty.

Anyway. Because of the cold and because I was nervous, I was shaking all over despite my thick jumper. Yet I was still sweating enough so I had to wipe my hands on my pants.

Finally, the doors to the library opened. Gaze down and quiet as a mouse, Sirius headed towards me. Though stopped as he spotted the two cups, raising an eyebrow at me. It was so adorable. He was so adorable. Everything about him was adorable and made knees go weak and my heart melt and I just wanted to hold him forever.

Or something like that.

"Hi," I said. Sirius moved his eyes from the cups to the floor again. He greeted me and sat down at our usual spot. I quickly followed suit.

"Sirius-" I began, he started. "...Padfoot, I... I'm sorry for what happened at the party-"

"I don't wanna talk about it," he stated firmly, but his voice lacked a power, a will to fight, behind them. He stared stiffly forward.

I paused. It was now or never. Never wasn't not an option.

"But _I_ want to." Other than a slight jolt, there was no reaction from him. I tried picking my words carefully as I knew saying the wrong thing would leave a great impact on him. "I _am_ sorry for what I did at the party. I've noticed you aren't feeling well, and we're friends. We're supposed to tell each other everything."

Sirius sat completely still, and if I hadn't known any better, I would have thought he was a statue.

"I'm here for you!" I placed my hand on his shoulder. Suddenly his whole body tensed. I quickly removed my hand. "We're friends. I know we are. So would you please just tell me what's going on with you? I know you aren't well."

He still didn't say anything, and I feared I was crossing a line. But I only tried to help. "Please tell me why you're upset. Please, please, please!" Though there was still no reaction from him. "I can help you, okay? If you would just open up and tell me-"

Suddenly his whole body turned towards mine, and he yelled on the top of his lungs: "I'm not obligated to answer you!"

Both of us froze at his sudden outburst. I hadn't realized, but part of the tension in his body was to keep down the anger. Sirius opened and closed his mouth, then bit hard into his lips. Anger bubbled inside me as well. Why was he so stubborn? Why did he refuse help?

When the shock had disappeared. I reached towards him, but he batted my hand away. I tried again, and this time, grabbed his arm with my other hand. Sirius pulled his hand towards himself, however, I held tighter.

"Stop!" This time, his request had more power.

"Then talk."

"I don't want to," he hissed, using his opposite hand pull my fingers off his arm. I quickly grabbed his other hand. He pulled both hands towards himself, though with no luck. "Stop it!"

"I will if you promise you'll talk to me!"

His voice was unsteady as he still struggled against my grip. "I'm not obligated to answer you!"

"Just talk to me."

"No!"

"Come on-"

"LET GO OF ME!"

I let go.

His voice had been somewhat calm earlier, but the last sentence. I shuddered. His voice had been so full of panic. As if he was utterly terrified. As if he was on the brink of death. As if it wasn't just the two of us in a library on a school a random afternoon.

Sirius didn't hesitate for a moment. He almost threw the chair across the room in his haste to leave. I stood up as well, and instantly, Sirius took an extra-large step away from me.

I froze.

He walked further away.

I was still frozen.

He was out of the door.

My mind was blank and I couldn't move. I wanted to run after him and apologize, but I couldn't move. I had hurt him, and I couldn't move.

I wanted to run after him, but deep down I knew it was a bad idea. It wasn't okay. He didn't want to see me. I had hurt him. I felt ill. Even as my entire body shook and hot tears fell down my cheeks I couldn't move. I couldn't hurt Sirius further.

His words repeated themselves in my head. His voice. The sheer amount of horror in his voice played again and again. The only time I had ever heard anything come close to that, was at the party, yet that was still far from it.

 _A-And I c-can't breathe. I can't think. I-I want it all to g-go away but it d-doesn't._

I fell to the ground.

The world stopped spinning.


	16. When he was gone

_No. It couldn't end like this._

My breath was heavy. My heart was pounding. I stared at the door. It was closing, the movement slow and taunting. I wondered if I could run out before it shut. Though my feet were glued to the floor. I sat still trying to collect my thoughts. What would happen now?

I couldn't find the answer. Would I see him again? Though even if he returned to school, I wasn't sure if he wanted to talk to me again, and I understood why. The way he had felt at the party, the feeling of utter panic... I had made him feel that way. And he was right. He wasn't obligated to answer me, yet I had kept pushing.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and slowly stood up on shaky legs. I had to find him. Who knew what happened if no one found him? Someone had to find him.

My legs somehow started moving. With just a tiny bit of luck, he would be just outside the door. But as I stepped out, the school had never seemed emptier. I had to do something. I needed to do something. My legs started moving again and somehow I ended up in front of Headmaster Dumbledore's office.

Before I could think, I knocked and he asked me to step inside.

Dumbledore glanced at me with worry. My eyes were probably still red, but I had to do something instantly, and now I knew what. Sirius wouldn't want to see me, but I had to try and make up for what I did.

"Anything you need to talk with me about?" Dumbledore's voice calmed me down.

I nodded. "Padfoot, err, the new student whose name we can't know, he... I said something. I did something. And it really upset him." I gulped. "I think... that... I'm worried about him."

His eyes tried to find mine, but I couldn't make eye contact. Was this how Sirius felt?

"I appreciate your concern."

I took a shaky breath. "Could you... maybe call his parents. I don't think he wants to see me right now, but... could you just make sure he's okay?"

Dumbledore offered me a half-smile. "I will. He's lucky to have a friend like you."

I nodded but didn't say anything, and quickly left. Though I only just made it out of the school before I sat down against the wall. I took a few shaky breaths and tried to calm myself. But I felt so alone. And my own sadness was only overweighted by how Sirius felt. I was his friend. He trusted me and I betrayed him.

Friends were supposed to tell each other everything, but they weren't supposed to pressure each other into doing something they clearly weren't okay with.

.:lll:.

I had been laying in bed for two full days. It was unclear whether I was ill, or just feeling bad emotionally. It could be because I hadn't eaten well, or hadn't been drinking enough. It could be from the lack of sunshine and from missing my friends.

James and Peter hadn't thought much of me being sick, but when Sirius didn't show up, they became worried. I told them I had upset him and he ran away. Which was completely true. But I didn't feel like it fully explained what happened. The amount of panic in his voice still haunted me.

Maybe I was sick because I was an awful person.

I hugged myself as I lay in bed, wishing I could go back in time and not be such an idiot. A car pulled up to the house. It was probably my mum. Hope Lupin. Hope was exactly what I needed because I couldn't think about the thing I was afraid Sirius had done.

There was a light knock on my door, and my mom entered. Her hair was amber - more than mine - and it was very long. I had always thought she was beautiful. Unlike the mess, I was right now.

"Hi honey," she said gently and sat down on my bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Bad," I mumbled.

She placed her hand on my forehead. "Have you eaten anything today?" I shook my head. "Do you want anything?" I shook my head again. My mom sighed. "Remus you'll have to eat something, otherwise you'll never feel better."

I didn't deserve to feel better.

I didn't answer. She wouldn't understand. She would probably just say something like 'it's not your fault' which it most certainly was. My direct actions had hurt him. And although my intentions had been good, my methods hadn't.

"I bought chocolate cake," she tempted.

My stomach growled, but I shook my head again. I hated to turn it down because her worry would only increase, but I couldn't eat before I knew Sirius was okay.

"Remus, please tell me what's wrong, I only want to help," she said gently. I felt tears came back and drew closer into myself. _I_ only wanted to help, but...

She stroked my cheek and then raised herself from my bed. "I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything. Is there something, in particular, you want for dinner?"

I shook my head once more and she quietly left the room. The room I stayed in for a whole week. Every day my guilt grew. I had to know he was okay. I had to apologize. Even someone else telling him I was sorry would do.

After one week, James and Peter came by to visit again. I had only seen them when they asked what happened to Sirius, and when I asked them to tell me if he came back, though they refused and said I should see for myself. Otherwise, we had only met through text where they begged me to come to school.

Despite my protests, my mom had let them in, thinking they might make me feel better.

"Hi, Remus-"

"Stop."

Peter sighed. "Stop yourself! You haven't been in school for a whole week! Slughorn asked us to come and talk to you. He's worried cause his favourite student isn't showing up. With good reason. You haven't ever missed a math class."

I didn't laugh despite his efforts. Had I really been laying in bed a whole week?

"Remus, we're here to tell you that Padfoot was at school today," James exclaimed.

I immediately sat straight up. "What?!"

"He is back. And he asked for you" Peter quickly said.

My heart started pounding, but in a good way. He was back. He was actually back. Honestly, I thought a week ago would be the last time I ever saw him. And he had asked for me.

I could apologize!

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

Good for you Rem. Remember to review and like :D


	17. When she came

So close.

I was on the edge. The literal edge. I couldn´t be more on the edge, he was at school. Sirius had asked for me. And now, after more than a week of whining, I could finally apologize. I woke up early that morning, if I hurried, maybe I could talk to him before class.

My mom was surprised to see me at breakfast, after all, I hadn´t really left my bed for about a whole week.

We have a rather small kitchen, though I love it. The floor is made of tiles, and it looks like cobblestone. The cabinet door is made of spruce. It was all rather dark, you should think at least, but we have two big windows, one on each side of the room, so the sun is shining in, in the morning and the afternoon. Also, there is a really old-ish and cool chandelier over the table.

It all just looked like something taken out of an old castle. If you skip the part with the modern hotplate and oven. My mom really likes the old theme, and I do too.

"Remus you are up" she exclaimed happily as soon as she saw me, I think more out of shock than anything else.

"Morning to you too," I said and grabbed a cup, I needed hot chocolate to get through the day. I also grabbed a plate and quickly made some breakfast. I don´t even know if I can get anything down. I was so excited about finally seeing him again, that I hadn´t really thought about the obvious.

What if he won't accept my apology?

Though I pushed the thought away. Of course, he would. Sirius had asked for me, which meant he wanted to talk to me, which meant he was going to talk about what had happened. Maybe even tell me why he is so upset all the time. I could help him.

I hurried to eat up. Barely eating anything in a whole week kind of makes you hungry. Funnily enough. I grabbed my back and was about to walk out of the door when my mom suddenly spoke up.

"Where are you going?"

I stopped suddenly. "To school" I answered simply.

"You were sick just yesterday."

"And now I´m not."

She did not find me funny.

"Remus," she said firmly. "You can´t just be sick for a week, and then all of sudden go back to school" she crossed her arms and look as firm as she sounded.

Though I was actually prepared for something like this. My mom always thinks I need to stay in bed a day after I have been sick, also because she knows I´m not the kind of person who skips. "Are you telling me to skip?" I asked fake-confused.

The question obviously surprised her, for a moment she looked very bewildered. "No…" she stated unsure, "No!" she stated firmer, "I´m asking you to stay home because you are sick."

"But I´m not" I stated gently. "So, if I´m not, and you ask me to stay home, then you are technically asking me to skip."

"Remus! You have just been sick for a whole week, you can´t just all of sudden be recovered."

"Okay" I raised my hands in defeat. "If you really want me to skip that much, I guess I can stay home" I headed for the stairs, it took a little moment, but then she spoke up again.

"It´s not skipping!" she stated firmly, yet still a little bit confused. "You know what, Remus, just go. If you get sick it´s your own fault."

I smiled and quickly left before she could change her mind. Without realizing it, I ran a bit over to the school, never in my life, I have been happier to see the big building.

"Where is he?" I asked confused and looked around. I was sitting in the cafeteria with James and Peter, the day was almost over and I hadn´t had any classes with Sirius today, so I haven´t seen him yet.

"Well… uhh… I saw him this morning, he will probably be here any minute." Peter said quickly and eyed James who nodded.

I sighed. Classes were becoming too much, all I could think about was Sirius. Where was he? Usually, he would be here by now, unless…

"Have you two lied to me?" I asked suddenly. Both looked very guilty and looked at each other. I immediately knew I was right. I felt the blood boil inside me. "You did!" I almost yelled.

"We did it for you!" James said quickly, but calm. "Remus you hadn´t been in school for a week, we were getting worried."

"And it won´t help him that you skip school!" Peter quickly added.

I sighed defeated.

"Remus you know we wouldn´t have done it if we didn´t think it was necessary," James said calmly. I nodded, and he smiled, clearly satisfied that their plan worked.

"We will find him somehow" Peter comforted, "I don´t care if we have to knock on every door in this town."

I smiled, real, James and Peter really are the best friends I could hope for.

 _One week._

It had been one week, though I have tried it before. I could survive it. He would come back soon, and I could apologize. Soon.

 _Two weeks._

It´s okay. After all, it´s only one week times two. Fourteen days. I have lived without him for more than fourteen years. It´s okay, he will surely be back soon. He can´t stay away forever.

 _Three weeks._

Okay… imagine I dragged the 'a' out. It begins to be a little long. Though it´s still okay. I don´t think about him every second of the day anymore. It´s like before I met him. Somehow, I feel bad, I still owe him an apology. How can I forget him? I don´t want to forget him.

 _Four weeks._

I don´t remember his eyes. I know they are grey, though I have forgotten what it feels like when he looks at me, when he touches me and when he says my name. His smile. God, I have forgotten his smile, and his smell, the one time we hugged, the feeling of his arms around mine and the smell. I have forgotten it all.

 _Five weeks._

He is no longer the first thing I think of in the morning. I have lost all hope of ever seeing him again. Is he really gone? Did I really see the last of him the day he had looked at me with red eyes? Will he just become a distant memory? Is this really it?

Right after school is the worst. It has become a habit to go to the library, but as soon as I open the door, I get reminded that he won't wait there for me. He won't come. I can´t even do math without thinking of him.

I force myself to think of him. I remind myself of what I have done, and what I owe him. I won´t let go before I have apologized. I do not care if he won´t accept it.

I just need to say it.

James and Peter had done everything they could to help me find him, but as one week turned to two, three, four and five, we all kind of lost hope. It all felt pointless. It was like he didn´t even exist.

We had also asked the school, every teacher and every student. Though no one knew anything. The teachers didn´t directly say they didn´t know anything, but it was clear they couldn´t or wouldn´t share anything with us.

I had to tell his name to them. If I hadn´t they wouldn´t be able to help find him, I felt bad. Though they had both promised to act like they didn´t know his name when he came back.

That´s what we told each other, and mostly me. When he came back, not if. When.

Peter, James and I headed for the library, maybe there was something in there, that could help us. I had avoided the place for some time, it reminded me of Sirius too much. The others had been there a couple of times without me, though neither of them knew the place as well as me.

A woman walked towards us. I haven´t ever seen her before, she is too old to be a student, maybe she is a new teacher. Though I haven´t heard anything about that. Her short, brown hair was tied back in a small little ponytail. Her eyes were grey and full of determination. She looked directly at me.

"Remus Lupin?" she asked. I nodded hesitantly. "I´m Angeline Green, can we talk for a second? It´s about Padfoot."

 **/Exciting? Definitely! Remember to like and review to make me happy/**


	18. When I discovered the truth

**If you think you are gonna get the full explanation of why Sirius acts the way he does, then you are absolutely right.**

He is him. That´s what I like.

"Padfoot?" I blurted out without thinking. "What? Where is he? Is he alright?" I quickly added. Did she really know? Four weeks of searching for him, and then she randomly comes up and tells she knows something.

"Can we talk alone?" she asked and eyed James and Peter who quickly left. It did notice she didn´t answer any of my questions. I felt a clench in my stomach, what if anything bad happened to him?

She waited a moment until they were around the corner. "I know where he is, and I need your help."

"With what?" I asked eagerly. "I wanna do anything!" I added truthfully.

"Well, I wanted to come before, but I thought it would be just like last time, and he would be out in no time. Though it has been five weeks and I´m afraid he won't recover again- "

"Where is he?" I exclaimed. "What has happened?"

Angeline sighed. "I think it´s about time you know everything."

I impatiently waited for her to continue. But she didn´t say anything, she actually just stared forward into the air. Before I could begin to ask her to tell me, she spoke up. "Come with me" and then she turned around.

Without hesitation, I followed her. Maybe it was stupid, I couldn´t know if she was some creep who just wanted to use me or something like that. But she said Padfoot. It´s only James, Peter and I who knows that name. I think. Sirius said his father had named him that. Though I followed her, she was the only person who could give me answers.

She led me to her car. I quickly texted James and Peter that I followed with her, and I told my parents I was going home with someone. Angeline finally began to speak when she started the car. "He is in a psychiatric hospital- "

"What?!" I exclaimed.

"Don´t interrupt me" she stated firmly. "When Sirius was born, he grew up with his parents. They weren´t very kind and he has told me they abused him, both with words and tools."

"Tools?"

"They hit him, slapped him, starved him, everything you can think of-"

"That's horrible!" I stated I couldn´t imagine something like this. Sirius as a toddler and them being so mean. How can anyone not like Sirius?

"It is" she sighed. "But luckily an old man found out when he was about ten, he rescued and adopted him. Salvatore was the guy who came up with Padfoot, it didn´t take long before he began calling Salvatore for dad. Sirius was really… unstable at the time, so he began to go to therapy with me."

"Has he been going to therapy since he was ten?"

"Yes, there have been a few breaks every once in a while, though he always came when he needed to talk."

"But why is he in a psychiatric hospital now? Why isn´t he with Salvatore?" I asked confused, if he called him for his dad, then why wasn´t he with him now? And what about a mom? Sirius had told he called his mom about the party.

Angeline sighed and bit her lip. "He died in a traffic accident."

I stared shocked at her. "When?"

"He was eleven."

"Then they only got a year together" I mumbled sadly.

"I know" she stated quietly. Angeline held a break and let me get all the information in. There was a lot of it. "His leather jacket, it´s Salvatore´s, that´s why Sirius liked it so much."

That was why he had wanted it after the party.

"Sirius moved to an orphanage. Sadly, they had to inform people about his past, everyone saw him as troubled, and would rather adopt other kids then. Sirius never got adopted."

My heart twisted. Sirius really needs love more than anyone.

"He began high school, and it was okay actually. He visited me less and less, and when he came, he was always happy and only told me about good things."

My heart twisted a bit more. What could possibly have happened that made Sirius come down again? Why did he move?

"He met Dennis, they… quickly became a thing."

I felt my blood boil. What did he do to Sirius? I also felt another thing, something I didn´t realize until days after. Jealousy. Also, a bit of excitement, Sirius was gay. Though I quickly pushed it away, Sirius needed a friend right now, not a lover.

"Sirius was very happy with him; their relationship was a secret because Dennis didn´t want the whole world to know that he was gay. Sirius was okay with that."

"And what happened then?" I asked. This was all the answers I had needed for so long. I wanted to know it all now.

"Someone saw them at a party, and they started a rumour. Sirius tried to talk to Dennis, but…"

"What?" I asked worriedly.

"Dennis he… he exposed Sirius as gay, a freak, to the whole school, to save himself. He said a lot of mean things that pushed Sirius over the edge. That´s when he came to the hospital the first time."

"How could he do that?" I exclaimed angrily. "They were…" I couldn´t say it.

She stopped at a parking space. "He was here for a month, then lived at the orphanage for two months during the summer break and started at your school.

"Sirius comes to see me every Wednesday, and whenever he needs to. I made a special agreement with the school that they weren´t allowed to share his name with anyone so that he could control who could and could not become his friend."

I remembered the day I had met him the first time. The way no teacher ever called him by name, neither first or last. It all made sense now.

"When you… you know… discovered it, he was a mess…"

"I didn´t mean to, I just-" I began, but she cut me off.

"I know, don't worry about it. He became a lot better when you promised not to tell anyone. Though he became really down again when he failed the math test and found out you had to tutor him."

She paused, and I thought about what he had said. _"I wanna talk about math, and only math!"_

"But… I don´t quite understand."

"Sirius has trouble trusting people, everyone he has cared about has left him or disappointed him deeply, he even confessed lately that the orphanage had abused him, not as much as his parents, but still. He didn´t want any friends, and now he was forced to spend time with the only person at the school who wanted that.

When you became closer friends, Sirius actually seemed happy again. He talked about you all the time, about how cool your hair looked, how clever you were, and how shining your eyes were."

I blushed madly. Had he really said all those things? Then why didn´t he want to kiss me, or be with me?

"It didn´t take long before he realized he had developed a crush on you-"

This did not help on the blushing. "Then why didn´t he want to be with me?"

"He might want you, but he doesn´t want to want you. So, when he figured it out, Sirius really freaked out, he was afraid you were like Dennis. Though I was able to calm him by saying that he didn´t need to do anything about it."

"Oh" was all I said.

"When you kissed him, he got scared. Sirius had thought you might like him, but he wasn´t sure and this confirmed it. He was afraid you might begin to ask questions, I told him that he wasn´t obligated to answer anything."

"That explains why he said that."

"Honestly, I had hoped he would open up to you, and that you two could be together. I had hoped you could help him feel good again. And I thought he was ready for that, I even tried to convince him to open up to you, after everything he had told, you seemed nothing like Dennis."

"I would have helped him" I stated truthfully, if he had told any of that, I would have done everything to make him feel better again. He of all people deserves it. If he had just let me.

"I know, and I had thought he would open up, but then you confronted him by kissing him. He lost all courage, he ran straight to my place, crying because he didn´t think he could do it anymore. I tried to convince him, but he insisted that he couldn´t, and wanted to get into the hospital again."

My heart was pounding quick. Knowing all of this made me feel a bit weird, knowing what I could have done, and what I probably shouldn´t have done. "Is it my fault?"

"It´s everyone´s but your fault." She calmed. "I thought he would be out in no time, just like last time. But he hasn´t become any better at all" there was a really long pause. "Did you mean it? That you would have helped him?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed truthfully.

"Then come with me."

 **/whosh whosh. Like and stuff to make me happy :3/**


	19. When I saw him again

He is the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

I followed Angeline out of her car, the hospital was giant, everything there were white. She leads me inside, we walked past the reception and into an elevator.

"He might not be as you remember him" she stated once the doors closed.

"In what way?" I asked confused.

"Being here… it affects people. And don't be too forward with him, take it slow!" she ordered, and I nodded to show that I understood, I would do anything to help Sirius. "And most importantly" she looked at me. " _Do not_ promise anything you can´t keep."

"Uhh"

"He has trouble trusting people, he doesn´t need many reasons to keep people out forever."

I bit my lip. "But I have already broken one-"

"It will be okay" she smiled at me. "He wants to forgive you, just… you know, don´t break any more promises."

The elevator door opened as I promised not to break any promises. Other… patients, is that what you call them? Anyways, other people were walking around too, some of them send me strange looks, they were all wearing white shirts and light-grey pants. Those with long hair all had either ponytails, pigtails or braids.

We walked for what seemed like forever, Sirius was so close to me now, I was getting impatient. Along the corridors there were doors with even space between, they were all grey and looked solid.

Angeline suddenly stopped in front of a door, she faced me. "It´s important that you… promise him things, only things you know you can keep, so he can see that you are trustworthy."

"Of course!" I promised, then eyed the door. "Is he in there?" I asked impatiently.

She nodded and opened the door. Sirius was so close, I took a deep breath. I didn´t want to scare him or anything, if he needed me right now, I _would_ help him. "Hi, Sirius," she said. "I brought a guest" she took a step in and I followed suit. My heart stopped beating for a second when I saw him. He was sitting on a bed, with a white shirt and light-grey pants just like everyone else. His arms rested on his knees. The whole room was only white.

Sirius looked at me with horrified eyes, Angeline quickly walked over to him. "Sirius, what have I said about rubber bands?" I noticed he had one in his hand that he moved around his fingers. He looked down as soon as she had asked.

"Sirius!" she said in a warning but still gentle tone.

"You are supposed to wear, the band in your hair" he mumbled, still looking down though. I think he didn´t want to look at me.

I closed the door behind me, now that I was in here, I liked it less. Everything is so white and boring. There was a little desk in one of the corners, there was paper all over it, next to it the bed was standing, and on the next wall, there were some big windows with a view of the parking lot. Next, to that there was another door, probably to a bathroom or something, on the same wall there was a wardrobe.

"That´s right," she said and took the hairband. "Now, do you want to a normal braid or French braid?"

He showed two fingers to her.

Angeline sighed and asked again. "Do you want to a normal braid or French braid?"

"French braid" he mumbled.

"Okay honey. Move over" he moved so that he had his back to me, she sat down behind him and began braiding, I think I saw him look over a couple of times. When Angeline was done, she sat down next to him. "When we have guests it´s polite to say hello," she said quietly.

He didn´t even look my way. "Hi, Remus," Sirius said only just loud enough for me to hear.

"Hi, Sirius" I greeted back.

There was a long awkward silence, I felt like an idiot just standing there. Sirius so obviously needed a hug, but I couldn´t give him that. He wouldn´t let me.

"Have you been eating anything today?" Angeline finally asked. Sirius looked away from her, it was a clear no, though she repeated her question.

"I wasn´t hungry…" he stated mumbling.

She sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. "Sirius, you know what they will do if you don´t eat."

This made him look directly into his eyes, it also gave me time to look at them. My heart almost stood still, I was finally looking into them again. "Please" he breathed. It was the way he said it that would make _me_ do whatever it was he wanted.

Angeline sighed again. "I´ll try, but I don´t promise anything!" he nodded. "And only if you will talk to Remus while I´m gone" he flinched but nodded again, she smiled to me as she walked out.

There was a bit of a silence, I hoped that he would take the first step, after all, that´s what Angeline had asked him to. I waited patiently. "How are you doing?" he asked with a bored tone.

"I´m fine… what about you?"

"It's okay"

Another silence followed I guess he didn´t feel like he should continue to talk, he had promised to talk with me, and now he had, though I wasn´t finished at all. "I´m sorry" I blurted out.

He sighed. "It´s not your fault I´m like this" he mumbled.

"That´s not what I meant" I stated, he raised his head in surprise. "I mean I´m sorry that I kept kissing you even though you asked me to stop" I held my breath. This was the apology I had waited for so long to give, it felt kind of lame. "I didn´t mean to upset you, I never intended to."

Sirius looked at me. "I know you didn´t."

And that was all he said. I was mildly disappointed, knowing that he fancied me, and I fancied him too, it was very hard not to just sit down next to him, put my arms around him and kiss him everywhere.

"So… how is it here?" I asked after a while. Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "Is there some kind of school?"

He nodded. "But there is less homework than before."

I smiled. "That sounds nice, how about the people here, are they nice too?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders again. "I haven´t really met any of them" he mumbled.

The door opened and we both looked towards it, three women I hadn´t seen before walked in with Angeline following behind. Sirius send her a horrified helpless look, she looked sorry but didn´t do anything. Two of the women held him down by his arms, while the third one sat on top of him. She held his chin and forced food down his throat.

Angeline put her arm in front of me, I hadn´t even realized I had stepped forward. Sirius tried to get free while at the same time trying not to eat. He was groaning and began to sweat a bit, but the woman on top of him was twice his size.

Way too long I just stood there and observed, my heart felt heavy as I saw them forcing him to eat. After what seemed like forever, the three women let go of him and walked out of the door. Sirius slowly curled up into a ball.

I wanted to go there and hug him, but Angeline came first, she sat down next to him with a hand on his back. "Sirius are you okay?" she asked quietly.

"No" he answered even quieter. She began stroking his back. I hated that I couldn´t do anything to comfort him too.

"Sirius, what do you say I read a story for you tonight?" she asked gently, he nodded slowly. "Then you will also have to speak with Remus again."

A little silence followed. "Will you stay here?"

Even though he couldn´t see her, Angeline shook her head. "You know I have work to do, but it´s okay, you know Remus won´t hurt you" he nodded and sat up in the bed again, his eyes were slightly red. Angeline smiled to him and left the room with a goodbye.

I didn´t want another silence to come. "What else can you do here?" I asked as if we hadn´t been interrupted.

"There is a common room…" he drew circles on his hand, I had almost forgotten that he used to do that. "…where everyone can hang out if they want."

"Is there a library? I know I wouldn´t survive without one" I laughed a bit and he gave a very little smile.

"Not exactly," he mumbled and shifted position. "But if we want to read a book, we can tell the staff and they will get it in the local library."

"Ahh phew" I laughed. "What about those things over there?" I pointed at his desk.

He looked over there. "Uhh nothing, I just draw sometimes."

"Can I see?" I asked interestedly.

Sirius shook his head.

We talked like that for a while, I asked about the hospital, Sirius answered. We talked a little about some books, I recommended a few and so did he. It was nice and felt so natural to talk with him about everyday stuff.

After about an hour or so, Angeline came back, I hadn´t moved from the same spot in what felt like forever, and neither had Sirius. "Visiting hours are over" she announced.

I suddenly remembered what she had told about promising stuff. Angeline was about to speak up, but Sirius came first. "Bye Remus" he mumbled. She looked just a tad proud.

"Bye Sirius," I said, "I´ll come again tomorrow" he looked up but didn´t comment on it, I left the room with Angeline.

"You are amazing" she exclaimed. "He said goodbye to you, and I didn´t even have to tell him to do so, and you made him talk. God Remus, do you have any idea about how great this is?" she seemed very excited.

I blushed just a little.

But then she suddenly turned serious. "I know I have said it before, but it´s _very_ important that you come tomorrow now that you promised!"

"Don't worry" I quickly assured. "I have lots of time, I´ll come."

I´ll come every day if that´s what it takes to make him happy again.

 **/Yay they are together again. Like and comments please :3/**


	20. When he blushed

His eyes are shining so bright.

I was so happy about seeing Sirius again, and that he talked to me. Though I couldn´t figure him out, he talked to me, but it didn´t feel like he wanted that much, but from what Angeline had told, it seemed as if he wanted to talk with me.

All the answers had raised questions as well. Some that was easily answered, but I just couldn´t understand them.

I went to school thinking about him, James and Peter approached me, I hadn´t told them anything at all. "Remus where have you been? What about Padfoot?" James exclaimed worriedly.

"Is Angeline single?" Peter asked as if it was just as important as the other questions. James hit him gently.

"Focus Wormtail!"

"What? She is hot."

I laughed a bit, they both looked expectant at me. "Well… he is definitely okay, I don't know if I can tell where he is… and I don't know if she is single."

Peter looked disappointed. "Why can´t you tell where he is?" James asked seriously.

"It´s quite personal… but I´ll ask if I can tell" I promised.

"Wait, you aren´t gonna bring us? We are his friends too!" Peter accused hurt. James looked a bit hurt too. I hadn´t before realized that they were, I know they are, but I hadn´t thought about how it affected them when Sirius always came to me, and that I was the only one who knew his name at first.

"Sorry guys," I said, feeling bad. "It´s not me who decides that, and I don't think it's a good idea…"

Both of my friends sighed, they know I would bring them if I could. Though I don´t think Sirius needs it to be crowded, he almost didn´t want it with just me there.

"Can you at least say that we miss him?" James then asked.

"Of course!" I promised. "I think it will make him happy to know."

School seemed to go on forever, I have always not-hated it, though this day I did hate it. I had promised Sirius I would come, so I _had_ to come. Angeline had told me I could visit Sirius from four to six, I got off from school at three, there was a bus that could take me there right after school, though I had to hurry if I should catch it.

I was on the edge the whole day, millions of thoughts ran through my head, what if I missed it. What if Sirius waited for me and I didn´t come, what if he actually looked forward to seeing me, and I then didn´t show up. What if he hoped I wouldn´t show up?

Unlike any other days I began to pack my things before the bell rang, and as soon as it did, I was out of the door and half-ran through the hallways. Once outside I began to run towards the bus.

I was slightly sweating, both from running, but also because I was nervous about seeing Sirius again. What if he didn´t want to see me? He had only talked to me yesterday because Angeline told him to.

The bussed stopped many times, I noticed everything and checked several times if it was the right bus. It was and finally, it stopped close to the hospital. There was still a half-hour before I could meet Sirius, I spotted a sign. A bookshop.

Without thinking too much I went there, I had about twenty minutes, it takes five to get to the hospital from here, and I wanted to be there at least five minutes before. There was a new book, one Sirius had mentioned that he hadn´t read before when I told about it. It was too new to be in a library yet.

The bell at the door rang when I entered, there was a woman at the desk. She had grey-silver hair and blue eyes, her skin was clear and light. Pretty beautiful, I would have been enchanted if it wasn´t for Sirius, he was ten times prettier. And a boy.

"Hi" she greeted. "Anything specific you are looking for?"

"Yes, uh, do you have 'what if it's us'?"

She bit her lip. "Is it for someone special?" the blush revealed me. "Don´t tell anyone" she waved me towards her and found a box under the desk. "They are supposed to come out tomorrow, but if you keep the secret, and pay a little bit extra, I´ll let you have it now" she offered smiling.

I smiled. "Thank you."

The girl wrapped the book and placed it in a bag, I still had lots of time before I had to be at the hospital, though I decided to go there now. Never know if something suddenly comes up.

In there I sat down on one of the chairs in the waiting area, there were still fifteen minutes before I could go see Sirius, my heart was pounding. He was so close to me, just up there.

I sat there for ten minutes before Angeline came, she smiled when she saw me. "You came" she exclaimed.

"Of course," I said. "Why shouldn´t I come?"

"Oh, it's not that, Sirius is just convinced you wouldn´t come, that you will find an excuse. But you are here, so that's great" she was still smiling. "What you got there?" she pointed at the bag.

"Uhh, it´s just a book for him, it´s a new one, so you can´t get it at the library."

Angeline nodded. "We better get going," she said.

I nodded excitedly, we walked the same path as yesterday, past all the same doors, some of the same people as before, some new. Until finally, we stopped outside his door, Angeline opened it carefully.

"Hi, Remus is here" he looked at me with open mouth as I entered, Angeline closed the door again. Sirius was sitting on the bed just like yesterday, he still had the French braid. Though unlike yesterday he was sitting with a piece of paper on a wooden board, he had a pencil in his hand, and several on the bed as well.

"You came" he stated quietly.

"Of course," I said. "I told you I would."

He looked down and seemed to ignore me a bit. My heart clenched, he really didn´t want to talk to me. "What you got there?" he asked and pointed at the bag.

"Oh it´s just-" I took a step forward so I could give it to him, he immediately pushed himself backwards, as long away from me as he could come and had a shocked expression on his face. "Sorry" I exclaimed. "I didn´t mean to…" he sat completely still, I took the book out of the bag. "It´s just a present, for you."

Sirius looked at me, then the present. He relaxed a bit and sat himself down as before. "What is it?"

"Can´t tell, then it won't be a surprise" I smiled. I was happy that he took interest in it, he had an excited expression on his face.

"But it´s not my birthday till Saturday," he said then.

I opened and closed my mouth. "I didn´t know, I just got this for you" I admitted.

"Really?" he asked disbelievingly. "Just like that?"

"Yeah… do you want it?" I hoped he would say yes, otherwise it would be a bit awkward. He nodded. I slowly walked towards his bed and placed it there, I looked at the paper on the bed, it was a drawing. He had drawn to wolfs howling at the moon together. Then I walked back to where I stood before.

He opened it slowly and a little smile appeared on his face when he saw what it was. "Thank you," he said quietly. Sirius casually looked through the book and smelled the pages, he then carefully placed it on his bedside table.

"No problem…" I said carefully. Is it weird that I find it really cute the way he smells a book? I don´t think it's weird that he does it, I do it too, there is nothing like the smell of a new book, but he just does it a cute way. "And by the way, I should say hi from James and Peter, they miss you."

Sirius stiffened. "D-Did you t-tell them?" he asked with a tiny voice.

"No, No!" I quickly assured. "I told them I visited you, but nothing else. They are your friends, so, of course, they miss you."

He quickly relaxed again.

"It´s a really nice drawing, looks great," I said truthfully and smiled.

A very pale red colour crawled from his neck towards his chins. I would have lied if I didn´t find his blushing cute, there almost wasn´t anything at all, but enough to make it visible on his pale skin.

My heart fluttered.

 **/Yas, I was finally able to update.** **Review? Thanks, :D/**


	21. When we both confessed

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful boy.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Sirius most definitely has a thing for me. He blushed, he _blushed_ , when I had complimented him. And he was adorable in the process, but he blushed, you only ever blush if its someone you like. He likes me.

HE LIKES ME.

Or at least I think so, but I´m allowed to believe in the thought, and Angeline had told me just that. This boy I have had an insanely crush on since the day I saw him, likes me back. Just… I´m so happy.

Of course, I promised I would come and see him Wednesday too, so I was on my way on the bus again, I wonder how much of the book he had been reading. If he has even read anything at all. I wonder if the book is good, I haven´t actually read it myself, though I heard it was good.

I went for the bookshop again, if the book has come out, I would want to read it too, it could be something I would read while I wait in the waiting area. The girl from the day before smiled when she saw me.

"Wasn´t the special someone happy for the book?" she asked a bit worried.

"No, no, he loved it, I´m here to get one for myself too" I explained.

She smiled and quickly found it from one of the shelves. "So, this special person is not your girlfriend?" she asked casually.

I bit my lip, this doesn´t happen a lot, but from time to time girls ask me about this kind of stuff, and I just hate to hurt them. "No-"

"So, you won´t mind going on a date sometime?" she asked quickly forgetting to be casual about it.

"I would mind… because I´m gay" I tried to say it the same way someone tells you they aren´t your type. It´s a fact the world has to face, now I just hope she isn´t homophobic.

"Oh…" I paid for the book and she gave it to me, I was about to leave the shop when she stopped me. "Sorry, I didn´t mean for it to come out like that" she exclaimed. "I just think you are cute, so I asked, but you know of course we can't… uh, the special someone, is he your boyfriend?"

Sirius Black is my boyfriend. That sounds nice and I wish I could say yes, but the thing is that I can't. Yet. "No, but I hope he will soon…"

"Good luck with that" she smiled, I smiled back and left the shop. Well, at least she did a good effort in trying to act like it didn´t bother her, but honestly, it would have been the same if I was straight and just wasn´t attracted to her.

I began reading the book as I sat in the waiting area, though I couldn´t concentrate too much on it, again Sirius took my all thoughts and threw them out of the window, so there is only space for him. I smiled as Angeline came towards me.

"He is really glad for the book you gave him," she told as we took the lift again.

"That´s nice to hear" I stated. We walked a bit in silence, I was thinking about Sirius again. "Is he getting better at eating?" I asked before we reached his room.

"Not that much," she told. "He eats now without us having to force him, though he really dislikes it and I have caught him throwing it all up right after."

"Hmm…"

"But I don´t think you should begin to talk about this with him just yet, he already sees the others as the 'enemy' and if you start to talk about it, he might see you like that too" before I could reply she opened the door to Sirius´ room, he was sitting on the bed just like any other day, though today he was reading the book I gave him.

He quickly put it away when he saw me. "Hi" he greeted mumbling.

"Hi, is the book good?" I asked interested, Angeline left the room.

"Yeah… I have…" he paused and looked at his desk, I looked there too, it was messy. He looked at me again, then slowly got out of the bed and moved towards it, taking a piece of paper and really slowly walked towards me. But he wasn´t hesitant.

Sirius stood as far away from me as he could and raised his arms to give me the paper, I stretched my arm and took it. He walked back but didn´t sit down on the bed again. "I, uhh, made this as a thank you for the book."

I looked at it. It was a wolf in a forest that had caught a ball in its mouth, it was still jumping. I would begin to describe how well he had made shadows and stuff, but I don't know a lot about that, let me just tell you that it was amazing.

"Wauw" I was speechless, honestly, I was surprised that he had made something like this for me, and that he had walked out of the bed to give it to me. "It´s really pretty, Thanks I'll frame it when I go home" I took one last glance before putting it in my bag, I didn´t miss the little smile on his lips.

"So… am I invited for your birthday party on Saturday?" I asked smiling.

He shook his head. "I don´t like parties."

"Hmm… then am I invited for your non-birthday party on Saturday?" I asked teasingly.

"There isn´t going to be a party" he suddenly turned very sad.

"Why?" I asked without thinking, of course, he doesn´t want to talk about whatever upset him and is the reason he doesn´t want a party. "No, wait… you don´t have to tell me if you don´t want to" I quickly said before he could answer.

Sirius gave me a judging look, his arms were crossed, he looked down and drew circles with his foot. "It´s not like I don´t _want_ it, I just… no one would come, and then there isn´t a party."

I relaxed, this could easily be solved. "I can smuggle balloons in, and muffins…" he gave me a little smile but flinched when I said the next thing. "…we can even invite Peter and James-"

"No" he exclaimed suddenly. "No… I don´t want that" he said in a softer tone.

"Okay, then we don't" I offered him a smile. "Then just the two of us? Maybe Angeline if you want, and what about the muffins and balloons" he was still standing in front of me, which surprised me very much, I had thought he would have sat down on his bed again.

"Uhh… I think Angeline can bring an actual cake… and balloons sounds cool, but I… I don´t need a party."

"Of course, you don't need it, but it´s still fun with a party, and being celebrated and stuff."

Sirius looked down and played with his fingers, drew circles and stuff, he sighed and seemed to gather courage. "No, I mean… I know you are only here because Angeline asked, so if you don´t want to-"

"That´s not why I come, I come because I like you, you are a really great person and a nice friend. I like hanging out with you, Angeline told you were here, and offered me to come, but I only come because I want to" I told truthfully. "But if it´s because you don´t want me here-"

"No, I… I like that you come, you are a good friend too."

But you are the best cause you never hurt me as I hurt you.

 **/That was it of this chapter, hope you enjoyed/**


	22. When I bought presents

I don't know what's best, his eyes or his smile.

Sirius, Angeline and I planned his birthday, he didn´t seem to look too much forward to it, though Angeline told me he just didn´t show it, that he didn´t want any expectations. I probably shouldn´t have any either, though I couldn´t help myself.

He let me plan something for him, I was so excited about it. Angeline told she could bring a cake, a chocolate cake, which Sirius had insisted on when I suggested it. I would bring balloons that we could get up when I got there, of course, I also had to buy him a present.

That was basically the only thing that worried me, what should I get him? This simply _had_ to be special, it's not just me wanting to do something nice for him, like with the book. This was a birthday present, and it must be the best, something he will like a lot.

Now, what does Sirius like? Do I even know a lot about him? Oh, heck I don't know anything about him. Like at all. Well, I now know about his past, but I can't make that a present. I can´t give him something with math.

"Earth calls Remus," someone said. I looked up to see my mom, we were eating dinner with my dad, it was Friday and I hadn´t bought Sirius a present yet. I just came from the hospital. "What are you thinking about?"

I sighed, whatever, maybe she could help. "I´m trying to find the perfect present for my friend, but I don't know what to get him."

"What does he like?" she asked interestedly.

My mom knows I´m gay, and so does my dad. I came out to them about a year ago, maybe more. It was like this secret had been building up inside of me, and at some point, I couldn´t take it anymore. Luckily, they were very accepting. They even helped me get the courage to come out to James and Peter, I was afraid they wouldn´t want to be friends with me, though I was lucky again, I don´t think I could have gotten better friends or family.

"That´s just it, I don't know" I exclaimed frustrated, but then send an apologetic look to my mom.

She simply smiled. "Do you care a lot about him?" she asked all motherly, I nodded. "Does he have something to do with you being ill back then?" Hope asked casually.

"Yeah… but it´s all better now, we are friends again" I told a little embarrassed. It was a little weird that they didn´t know about him, I haven´t told them anything.

"That´s nice to hear," she said quietly. "But the present; is it for a special occasion?"

"It´s his birthday tomorrow," I told.

"Hmm… what does he do in his free time? Maybe he needs something for that?" she proposed.

I thought. Well, he used to do math, but I kind of ruined that. Anything school related would be boring, it must be special, but also something he would use. Maybe he likes crosswords… no, no wait. How could I possibly forget? He likes to draw! Or, he does draw, but with a single look on his desk, anyone would know he likes to. And he is good, which means he has been doing it for a long time.

Mom noticed my smile. "He likes to draw" I exclaimed. "Oh, mom, you have to drive me somewhere where I can get supplies for him" I pleaded and made my best puppy eyes.

She laughed at me. "Of course, honey."

We quickly finished dinner, my mom apparently knows the perfect place to buy supplies. It was a bit out of town, and she told me it had everything. They had coloured pencils in all colours you could imagine, different types of pens ((cause apparently, they are not all the same)) something called blend pens, special erasers, twenty thousand different kinds of markers in all colours.

Phew.

It was getting pretty dark, but my mom told they had open late, the stars appeared above and reminded me of Sirius. I found the one that was him. The one shining the most, just like him, of course.

When we arrived and walked into the store, I get exactly what my mom was talking about. The whole place just looked so aesthetically beautiful with its pencils in rainbow colours.

"What do you think?" she asked.

I smiled at her. "Mom, this is amazing, he is going to love it… but what do I choose?" there are so many more options, more than you can think of, what would he like the most?

"Just go with your instincts, you know him best" Hope offered.

I nodded and looked around, the place was almost empty, though a few people were walking around. I found some special paper, but I don´t think he would like that. I mostly searched for coloured pencils, I think he would appreciate that the most, and I don´t think he has any already, I haven´t seen it anyways.

There was a really cool one that caught my attention, it was a box with twenty-five pencils, but there were two colours in each pencil, that means fifty different colours and shades.

"That´s a fine choice" a man stated beside me. He had long brown hair tied into a bun, he had grey eyes and light-brown skin. His name-tag told me his name is Stan, and that he works here. "These are one of the best pencils we have here, they are excellent for blending."

"Really?" I asked. He was the same height as me, perhaps a little taller actually.

"Yup, all our buyers have always loved them, you will be able to make some really great pieces of art."

I don't know why I blushed. "Uhh, they aren´t for me, it's for a friend, it´s his birthday tomorrow" my mom raised her eyebrow at me from behind him.

"Okay, then he will be able to make some great things" Stan smiled to me with completely even teeth. "Want me to wrap it in for you?"

I said yes and my mom and I followed him over to the cash desk, he wrapped the present after I had paid and handed it to me. The wrapping paper was black with stars on it, simply perfect. I thanked him and we walked out of the store again.

"Oh well, if it doesn´t work out with the other guy, this one seems very sweet," she said casually and laughed. I laughed as well but shook my head, Sirius is the only guy for me.

As we were driving home, I thought about the party tomorrow. I wonder what Angeline had gotten him, I wonder if he will like mine… sure hope he does. I can´t wait to give it to him, to see his expression and maybe even a little smile if I´m lucky.

Something caught my eye as we were driving. "Mom stop the car" I pleaded, she slowed down, and I jumped out of the car to walk into the shop I had spotted.

It was about to close when I entered, an old woman was standing in there and sweeping the floor. "Sorry young man we-"

"I know," I said. "But the pendant in the window, the one with the moon, please it´s me and my girlfriend´s anniversary tomorrow, and I just know she will love it" I lied.

The woman smiled warmly at me. "Of course," she walked over there to take the pendant I had seen. It had a thin silver chain, it wasn´t all around, but a half moon connected the two ends. The moon was shining silver, almost like his eyes.

It laid in a little box that the woman wrapped in as a present.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

 **/I would like to thank** _ **Dumb Dreamer**_ **for your comment on the last chapter, it made me really happy. And don't worry, you will get answers to your question about Reggie sometime very soon. Have a nice day and thanks again.**

 **Other people, who want to make me happy by commenting too? :D/**


	23. When he smiled widely

I would say he is perfect, but he is so much better than that.

"Remus there really is no good way to say this, but... Sirius doesn´t want a party today" Angeline bit her lip nervously and looked rather guilty as she met me in the waiting area.

"Wha? Why?" I asked shocked, he hadn´t shown any signs of not wanting the party all week, except for not being too excited about it, though it had still felt like he wanted it. What could possibly throw him over the edge? I held tighter around the plastic bag with the balloons and his presents.

Angeline sighed. "I don´t know, he won't tell me, I hoped maybe you could ask… he trusts you more than you think" she added the last part when I looked doubtful. Her words send a new pack of butterflies through my stomach.

We walked up to Sirius´ room, I speculated about what I should say. And ask. Would he even tell me anything?

Way too fast we arrived in front of Sirius´ room, I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. It would be okay, I would try the best I could. Perhaps I just have to think about what James would do, he always knows what to say, knows just what to do in every situation.

Angeline opened the door and the first thing I noticed was that Sirius wasn´t in his bed, instead, he sat in the window and looked down. Sirius quickly looked over but looked away again when he saw who had arrived. Angeline waited for me to step in, then closed the door again.

"Hi Remus" he greeted quietly.

There came a rush in my stomach when he said my name. "Hi, Sirius" I decided to just go for it. "Why is it that you don´t want a party?"

Sirius didn´t look at me. "I just don´t" he mumbled.

I smiled to try and clear the tension. "That´s not a valid reason" I teased. Though he didn´t smile, nor did he answer me. "Look, if you don´t want a party, then that´s completely fine… but I just wanna know why."

This made him look towards me, though not at me. "Can´t I just not want a party without any big fuss about it?" he snapped. When Sirius realized what he had said, he looked away again.

I carefully took a step forward. "Of course you can… but I wanna know why. Did anyone do anything to upset you?" He shook his head. "Then what is it?"

"I…" he stared stubbornly out of the window and closed his eyes. "I just want it to be amazing, and… it can´t because nothing ever is, so I would rather just not have one."

We were quiet for a moment, I didn´t even have to think to figure out what I should say next. "What if it does turn out amazing?" I carefully took another step.

"What do you mean?" he mumbled, still with his eyes closed.

"You say you don´t think it will be amazing, but you won't know if we don´t try."

Sirius opened his eyes and glared at me, though he didn´t move his head. "If I try, it might not be amazing."

"It doesn´t have to be."

"But I want it to be!"

It was quiet for a moment again. This was the first time I knew exactly what to say when it came to him, I wasn´t nervous, not that much at least. "Not everything can be amazing, but they certainly never will if you won´t give it a chance" I took a tiny step forward.

I waited for him to say the next thing, he sighed and seemed to think about it. Sirius looks so small when he is curled up, like a tiny little puppy, I haven´t before realized how much he just doesn´t fit in here. I hope I can be the reason he comes out again.

It surprises me how he can be so strong considering what he has been through, I don´t think I would be able to go to school or anything, I would probably just lock myself up… oh.

"Am I annoying?" he asked suddenly but very, very quiet.

"Why should you be that?" I asked surprised. Annoying is the last thing I would call him.

"I never… nothing ever goes as planned with me, I just… is it annoying?" he closed his eyes again.

"Not at all. I´m actually quite happy about it, it wouldn´t ever be fun if it was only me who enjoyed it" I didn´t even lie. He looked at me with big eyes, big adorable cute grey eyes. "It´s okay if you don't want the party, but you got to at least open your presents" I smiled.

"Presents? As in plural?" he had turned around and now faced me with his whole body.

"I couldn´t help myself" I stated rather embarrassed.

He smiled a little bit, my heart fluttered, I love to make him smile. Though then he bit his lip and looked down. "Can we… can we still have the party?"

I smiled. "Of course, we can. I have the balloons" I showed him the bag with balloons I had bought. He smiled embarrassed, but it was rather cute. With a little bit of hesitation, he walked over to sit on the bed and gestured for me to do the same. We sat as far away from each other as we could, but he let me sit with him.

I put the balloons between us, we both took some and began to fill them with air. When we were almost done Sirius handed me a green balloon. "This is for you" he smiled nervously.

With a confused look, I took it. "What for?"

"It´s green, like your eyes."

I blushed, he had noticed the colour of my eyes. Is that normal? Does he like to look at my eyes? Because if he does, I think we can make a pretty good agreement. Had he really noticed the colour of my eyes? Well obviously, he has. I blushed even more.

When all the balloons were ready, and most of them laying on the floor, Sirius pressed a bottom on the wall three times. He then faced me again. "Angeline will bring the cake," he told me.

"And then you can open the presents afterwards?"

He nodded and looked just as excited as I felt. Not long after Angeline entered the room with a box and three plates with spoons on top. She smiled when she saw I sat on his bed.

"Nice balloons," she said and walked towards his desk after closing the door. Angeline moved all the drawings into one spot, opened the box and cut three slices of the cake and placed one on each plate. She gave us one and took one herself, she sat on the chair next to the table.

I was happy to see that Sirius ate the cake without looking like he wanted to vomit. I took a piece myself and closed my eyes to enjoy it even more. Chocolate is the best. Angeline was the first to finish.

"I have to go now, Sirius. Is that okay?" she asked gently. He nodded without hesitation, then his smile faltered a bit, though he kept nodding. "Visiting hours end in half an hour. I´ll leave the cake here" she said and walked out again.

"Only half an hour? We better hurry to open the presents" I smiled and placed the plate on the bed, so did Sirius. He looked expectant at me. I gave him the one with the pencils first, he unwrapped it slowly and smiled when he saw what it was.

"Thanks. Chameleon? Wauw, they are really great" he looked at them in awe. "How did you know?"

"Well uh, I know you draw, but I haven´t seen you use any coloured-pencils, so I thought that maybe you didn´t have any…" I was happy and relieved that he liked it.

"Yeah, I don't have any… or I have now… thanks again" he put it on the bedside table. "What about the other ones?" he asked excitedly.

I laughed. "Eager? There is only one more, but…" I gave him the little box and watched his face carefully to see his reaction.

He unwrapped this even more careful than before, my heart was pounding and I´m sure he could hear. Finally, he got the wrapping paper off, slow and careful he opened the little box. Sirius gasped when he saw it and carefully stroked the pendant.

He didn´t say anything but only admired the pendant, it gave me lots of time to admire him. His eyes were shining, I could see the reflexion of the pendant in them. He is so stunningly beautiful.

Suddenly he looked up, our eyes met and locked, I forgot how to breathe. It seemed as if he wanted to hug me but used all his might not to. I couldn´t move my eyes from his. "I-Its beautiful" he whispered.

"I´m glad you like it" I responded but didn´t move my eyes from his.

"Like it? I love it!" he cracked the widest smile ever and slightly jumped in the bed. I smiled as well. "Moony this is so beautiful" he looked at it again.

Probably for the first time ever, he looked into my eyes and smiled, he smiled at me. Not for himself, but for me. His teeth are uneven, but that makes him look adorable.

My stomach is like a hurricane of butterflies.

 **/To Dumb Dreamer:**

 **Thanks for your offer, though I know about drawing stuff too. Don´t worry about Reggie at all, he is the best. And you are not bothering me, I like your reviews, and I hope you liked this chapter.**

 **What in the world do you call it when you put air into a balloon? Blow it? Doesn´t make any sense.**

 **To everyone else, remember to tell what you think, it really does make me happy, every time I get a review, I get a boost of inspiration and just want to write another chapter :D /**


	24. When he touched me

Time flies way too fast with him.

I should probably say something like I always do, something about my undying love for the man named Sirius Black, but today I´m actually okay. Just kidding.

HE SMILED TO ME.

For the first time ever, he smiled at me. Not just smiling in the same room as me and looked away, he looked right into my eyes and smiled. Without overdoing it, I can say that it's probably one of the best moments in my life.

Sirius slowly picked up the pendant from the little box and took it around his neck, he looked down at it.

"It looks good on you," I told truthfully, the silver really made his eyes stand out. Without answering Sirius raised himself from the bed and jumped towards the door I suspected lead towards a bathroom, kicking a balloon in the process. When he opened the door, my suspicion was confirmed.

I didn´t know if I should go after him or not, suddenly he came out again. "Thanks again Moony, I really love it," he told me again.

"No problem at all" I assured him with a smile, he sat down opposite me again, it didn´t seem as if he could take his fingers off the pendant. "Want some more cake?" I gestured to the cake on his desk before the silence could become awkward.

He nodded and gave me his plate as I was already standing up. There is no way I would let a good chocolate cake go to waste. Or any kind of chocolate for that matter. I cut two slices and gave the one to Sirius, he immediately took a bite.

"You know" he began. "I usually don´t like chocolate cake, but this one is pretty good" Sirius shrugged his shoulders and took another bite before he noticed my expression. "What?"

I shook my head. "How can you _not_ like chocolate cake? Chocolate is like the best thing this universe has ever created" Sirius giggled, and I was stunned, suddenly the cake didn´t seem like the best thing in this room.

"Don´t you listen?" he shook his head. "I said I like it, but some cakes just taste too much like chocolate, then you can only have a really small piece" I really love the way he is teasing me like this. It´s so cute and couple-ish.

"It can´t taste too much like chocolate" I stated and shook my head, though there was a big smile on my lips.

He rolled his eyes and smiled with sound. It´s like when you smile but laugh a little bit. It´s of course absolutely adorable when he does it. "If you like chocolate that much, why are you wasting it?"

I tilted my head to the side and raised my eyebrow, though before I could question him, he leaned forward and wiped a bit of chocolate off my chin with his finger, the touch gave me goosebumps. He then licked his finger and laughed at my stunned expression.

"No waste now" he stated with a grin.

Though I was still stunned, his finger had been _so_ close to my mouth. I swear I still had goosebumps. He had done it like it was the most natural thing in the world, it had felt natural for me even. It´s just that he hasn´t touched me since we saw each other again.

When I didn´t say anything Sirius´ smile faltered. "S-Sorry, I probably shouldn´t have-"

"Oh, no Sirius it´s fine, completely fine" I quickly said, I could feel the heat in my face. I quickly changed the subject. "Uhh, have you finished the book I gave you yet?"

"No… I don´t want it to end" he bit his lip and looked down. I wish I could do something very boyfriend-ish right now, like pull him towards me and cuddle, then maybe kiss the back of his head.

I didn´t do it. "If you spend all your time worrying that it will end, how will you ever get time to enjoy it?"

"Sometimes it´s better to stop while it´s still fun, instead of continuing and then it won´t be fun anymore" he drew his knees towards his chest, I felt a clench in my stomach. It took all my willpower not to hug him, I hate to see him upset. He is shutting everything out, he is shutting _me_ out, and I wish he wouldn´t.

"I guess we are just different like that," I said gently.

He looked at me and dropped his knees again, a little smile appeared in his perfect lips. "I guess we are" he agreed. I sighed with relief.

"Talking of differences, do you really like that it´s all… white?" I gestured to the whole room, believe me when I say everything is white, the only thing colourful was the pencils I had given him.

Sirius looked around and then shook his head. "We are allowed coloured things, I just don't have any."

I quickly got an idea. "If you could get some colours… which is your favourite?"

His eyes widened and then he shook his head rapidly. "You have already given me so much, I don´t need any more things" Sirius had a slightly panicked look on his face.

It´s cute that he worries about it, or perhaps he doesn´t like that I give him things when he can't give me things. Kind of like when James gives me things, it´s really embarrassing and I hate it. Though he has always insisted, and now I get why. You just want to do something good for others who don´t have the same things as you.

"Don´t worry" I offered a little smile. "I have something at home, I don´t remember what it´s called, but it can colour your duvet cover and cushion cover, to any colour you would like. It´s really no trouble, we can do it together tomorrow if you like" I wanted to take his hand.

He thought a while. "I like red… and gold. They are good together" Sirius looked embarrassed.

"Red and gold it is then?" I offered him a wide smile.

I took the bus to James´ place, it´s been forever since our last guy´s night, so naturally, we had to plan one. I can´t wait to tell them about my day with Sirius, it was one of the better ones actually, I enjoy his company more than I had thought. My worries about us not having anything in common, or wouldn´t be able to hang out, disappeared.

It feels so natural for us to be together, or it feels natural for me. I can only hope he feels the same way.

When I knocked on the door, it was his mom who opened, I have always liked Mrs Potter, she is very sweet and she´ll be a mom to anyone who needs it. I wish Sirius could meet her.

"Hello Remus, James and Peter are upstairs. I have some cookies in the oven that will be ready in a bit" she told and gave me a warm smile, I couldn´t help but smile as well.

"Thank you Mrs Potter" I walked in and took off both shoes and jacket. Then I walked towards James´ room, there were two mattresses on the floor with duvet and everything. There was some background music. Peter and James were playing cards on the floor and eating pizza.

I sat down beside them. "Who´s winning?"

"Hi, Remus…" James said unfocused, he had four cards and Peter had one. James bit his lip, he then placed a king of clubs on the pile.

Peter looked right into his eyes. "Pas."

James sighed with relief, he removed the ten of spades and placed a seven of clubs. It took a moment before Peter said 'pas' again. James threw a joker on the pile followed by a six of hearts. "Take that you arsehole" he exclaimed and laughed. Peter had a sour expression on his face, he threw down his six of spades.

"I was _so_ close" Peter complained, though he still had a little smile on his lips. "Hi Remus, why are you first here now?" James had mixed the cars and were splitting them into three piles.

"I was with Sirius" I sorted my cards. "Didn´t I tell?"

James threw out a three of clubs. "No, you never tell us anything anymore."

Peter´s silence told me that he agreed, he threw out a four of clubs and I threw out a five of hearts. "Well sorry," I said a little annoyed, James threw out seven of clubs which Peter responded with a seven of hearts. I threw out ten of clubs, James responded with a ten of diamonds which Peter threw a Jack of clubs on.

An uncomfortable silence grew. I placed a jack of spades, James a king of spades and Peter one of clubs.

"Pas," I said.

"Pas" James said as well.

Peter cleared the pile and placed a five of spades, I threw a six of spades.

"It´s not like we don´t understand Remus, because we do" James put a nine of hearts on. "But we would at least like to know," he said casually as Peter placed a nine of spades on the pile.

"Pas," I said and ignored his statement. James put one of spades on and Peter said pas as well.

James cleared the pile and placed three fours instead. Peter casually responded with three kings, he sent James a look. It was clear they had been talking about this. It just made me more annoyed and my 'pas' came out a little harsh. James sighed and passed as well.

Peter cleared and placed two tens, I passed again. Though James didn´t throw anything out at first. "Why are you like this? We are supposed to have a fun guy´s night" he then placed two jacks. Peter responded with two queens.

"Oh I´m so sorry, but I actually tried to before you suddenly attacked me" I snapped. Why were they so harsh? James slowly put out two ones and send Peter a look in the process.

"Pas," Peter said for the first time. James cleared the pile and placed two fives. "It´s you who started to snap" Peter snapped and placed two twos.

I placed two twos, cleared the pile and threw out three threes. "It´s you who brought the subject up."

James cleared the pile with a joker and places two sixs instead. He won. "Stop being such a princess Remus, we brought it up, not because of this one time, but all the other times as well. You missed out on us last Thursday, you barely speak to us, and when you do it´s only about him. You won´t even tell us where he is even though we are his friends too-"

"It´s not _my_ fault he doesn´t want you there" I exclaimed angrily.

Both of them stared shocked at me. "He doesn´t want us there?" Peter asked with a tiny voice, and it was kind of satisfying. James looked hurt as well.

"No, so you don´t have to be mad at me for that" I half-yelled and threw down all my cards.

"It´s not only that!" Peter exclaimed. "You never hang out anymore, and you don´t even tell us!"

I raised myself and ran towards the door. "Where are you going?" James yelled after me.

I turned around and faced both of them. "Anywhere but here" I yelled and ran out of the door, grabbed my shoes and jacket and ran and without taking any of it on. Neither James nor Peter followed me. I ran a few blocks before the anger turned to sadness.

Tears streamed down my face, I sobbed with my head resting on a streetlamp for half an hour and hoped James and Peter would follow me, so we could become friends again, but they didn´t come. After an hour I realized they wouldn´t come at all, so I slowly began my long walk home.

I have never been the person to run away, and it hurt more than I thought that they didn´t follow me.

 **/Sorry that it turned this sad.**

 **Review for next chapter, and I´m sorry it took so long for it to come/**


	25. When he comforted me

Cute, adorable and fantastic is only a few of the words I need to describe him.

It took longer for me to get home than planned, I kept getting lost and taking detours. The door was locked when I finally arrived, I quietly knocked and hoped anyone could hear me. Though no one did, and I was too weak to knock hard. I cried again and felt like a fool.

I tried knocking again, and this time my dad heard, he opened the door for me. "Remus? What are you doing out here? It´s late, weren´t you supposed to be with James and Peter?" when he said their names tears formed in my eyes again.

My dad pulled me in for a hug while I tried my hardest to not let the water have free access. When we pulled apart, he still held my upper arms. "Remus are you okay?" I nodded, though he didn´t seem to believe me. "Remus, what happened?"

"I´m fine dad, nothing happened. I´m just tired that´s all, can I please go to my room?"

He sighed and looked into my eyes. "Remus, if you are upset, we need to talk" he insisted. I could see the worry in his eyes.

"It´s alright" I smiled. "I´m really tired, can I go to my room now?" I pleaded and hoped he would say yes. Even though he looked disbelieving my dad let me go.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

…

"Remus? Remus?" I jumped as Angeline called my name, her eyes were filled with worry just like my parents. I flashed her a smile and raised myself from the chair I was sitting in and grabbed the bucket I had brought. "Remus are you alright?"

"Yes of course, I´m just a little bit tired that´s all" I lied.

She looked disbelieving but nevertheless began leading me towards Sirius´ room. "Your idea about colouring his duvet case is brilliant, he has been looking forward to it all day. Which in itself is brilliant, he is making so much progress it´s wonderful."

I simply nodded.

"He is also much happier than his first five weeks here. You have helped him so much, and I´m sure he will provide you with some too if you ask" she hinted casually. I decided not to answer. She opened the door to Sirius´ room like always, he was standing in the middle of the floor and smiled at me. It´s the first time he has smiled at me when I entered the room.

I tried to return it the best I could, though his smile faltered when he saw mine. Angeline closed the door behind me and therefore caused a silence between Sirius and I. I put the bucket down on the floor.

"Uhh… I told Angeline about the, uhh, colouring thing, and she told us to use this…" he pointed at what looked like a giant grey cloth. "…so we won´t spill on the floor" he rubbed his fingers against each other as he used to when he was nervous.

For the very first time in a long time, I didn´t know what to say and didn´t do anything to break the silence that ruled in the room.

"Moony is anything wrong?" he stood still and it didn´t seem as if he knew what to do with his hands. I shook my head and quickly wiped away some tears. "Remus are you okay?" he then asked worriedly.

I couldn´t hold it in anymore, a few tears escaped. "YeS" I cried in a high-pitched voice, but then everything came out. I stood in front of Sirius and openly cried, even though I tried to get it away, there just kept coming more and more.

I was too aware that he was just staring at me, yet I couldn´t hold it back. I felt so stupid. But then suddenly he walked up to me and without hesitation wrapped his arms tightly around my body. I wrapped my arms around him as well and sobbed on his shoulder.

We stood there for I don't even know how long and didn´t care. His shirt was becoming wet from all my tears. "Is it helping?" he asked uncertainly. I nodded, and it was true. I hadn´t even realized how much I just needed a hug.

He stroked my back gently, I tried holding it back, but I couldn´t. Once the first tears have escaped the rest want out too. Sirius pulled a bit away and dragged me towards the bed, we both sat down on it. He had crossed legs and sat in front of me. "How are you feeling?" he asked gently.

"Awful" I hiccupped.

"Can you describe it further?" he touched my knee. It felt nice and made me relax a bit.

"Like someone pulled my heart out and stabbed it a million times" I choked.

With his other hand, he took my hand and gently stroked it. "What made you feel like this?" his voice was serious and gentle.

"James and Peter are… they are… James and Peter are… they…" I couldn´t say it, Sirius gave me an encouraging smile. "…they are mad at me" I almost couldn´t say it. Sirius held tighter around my hand. I felt stupid, he has experienced things so much worse than me.

He cupped my face with the hand that was on my knee before and wiped a tear away with his finger. "Why do you think they are mad at you?" Sirius looked directly into my eyes, but he was only a blur to me.

I took a deep breath and tried to stop the tears from falling. "We had guy´s night yesterday, I was late and had forgotten to tell them. They told me and was also annoyed that I didn´t tell them because I missed out on them last Thursday. I became a little annoyed and snapped, and then they became annoyed and snapped as well. And then I yelled, and they yelled, and I ran out. I hoped they would follow me, but they didn´t"

I could feel that my face was red, and my eyes were probably as well. Sirius didn´t say anything, he probably thought I was overreacting.

Sirius finally spoke. "You can do so much better than them. Moony, you are really, really great, everyone would be lucky to be your friend" he stated firmly.

I suppose he thought these words would lighten my mood, but they didn´t. "But I do need them" I choked. "We have been friends forever, they are my best friends. I don´t want to live without them, and I don´t want to go to school without them" I couldn´t imagine being the kid in school who would sit alone in the cafeteria. Or I just really didn´t want to be that person.

His expression changed, instead of firm he changed to soft. "Then fight for them… tell them that you are sorry. If they really are your friends, they will understand" he took both my hands with both of his hands.

"You don´t understand-"

"Then explain" he smiled softly.

I took a deep breath and removed my eyes from Sirius´. "They are upset that they can´t come and visit, I kind of always talk about you, I never hang out with them and when I do, I´m always late. I think all of these things combined…" another tear escaped my eyes. I can´t imagine my life without James and Peter.

"Remus look at me" he ordered softly. I did as he asked me to and I saw determination in his grey eyes. "You love them?" I nodded, he looked into my eyes for a while. Sirius looked conflicted, he bit his lip nervously, but then sighed and his eyes were filled with determination again. "Then you can tell them."

My eyes widened as I stared at him, he couldn´t be serious, could he? "No, Sirius this is your secret-"

"And they are friends to both of us. I don´t wanna be the reason they won´t hang out with you anymore" he stroked my hands again.

"Really?" I asked breathlessly.

"Really" he confirmed.

"Sirius you are the best" I blurted out. I wanted to hug him again, but don´t know if he wanted to.

He smirked. I mean really, he actually smirked, like a real smirk. The best one I have ever seen. "I have heard that before" he joked.

I laughed, but then I turned serious again. "I really mean it. Thank you, this means the world to me" I stated truthfully.

"Anything for a friend" he smiled and let go of my hands.

…

…

…

 **Another chapter, this took long, but I hope it was worth the wait.**

 **Remember to like and review :D**


	26. When we just talked

His fingers are so small and with no doubt the cutest one´s I have ever seen.

My hands felt empty without his in mine, I might have stared just a tiny little bit very much. I thought… was I naive for thinking such thing? He made it very clear, not only letting go of my hands but also calling me his friend.

"You okay now?" he asked seriously. I nodded slowly, my brain was still blank. "Can we do the colouring thing now?" Sirius smiled and eyed the bucket I had brought.

"Uhh… yeah, sure" I managed.

"Are you sure? We can wait till another day if you like" he offered nervously.

I don´t think he wanted to wait, yet I couldn´t bring myself to do it right now. I don´t want to hurt him or make him feel bad in any way, but right now I also need to help myself. Just for a moment.

"I´m tired actually, I didn´t sleep last night" I confessed and didn´t feel the need to tell why. He had probably guessed it. I laid down at the bottom of the bed and turned to face him. "Can we do something else today?"

He nodded. "Yeah, we can just do it tomorrow, or when you feel like it" he suggested, and to my surprise; he smiled. It was first now I realized he was wearing the pendant I gave him.

I offered him a little smile. "What do you wanna do?"

"I…" Sirius looked towards his desk. He picked up his wooden board, the colours I gave him and a piece of paper from there and returned to the bed. "I wanted to use the colours you gave me, but I couldn´t concentrate because I was too excited about the colouring thing…" he bit his lip and eyed me.

"You wanna use them now?" I asked interestedly.

Side note. He cares about me, noticed? He hesitated when he mentioned being excited about the colouring thing because he didn´t want me to feel bad about not wanting to colour the duvet. I tried very hard to keep cool, but the butterflies you know, they like to fly.

"Yeah, I have tried using the blend effect, and they are really good, though I haven´t used it on a _real_ drawing yet" he eyed the box with all the colours, and carefully choose a few. I looked at his drawing. It was a wolf with a scarf, beanie and a cup of hot cocoa in its paws. It looked different than his other drawings. I frowned. "You don´t like it?" Sirius asked when he noticed.

"Oh, sorry. It´s just that it looks different than usual."

He relaxed. "It´s because I usually use my pen to colour and make shadows, but I´ll use the coloured pencils for that now."

My mouth shaped a little 'o'. He took the colours he had picked; three different shades of green and began colouring the beanie. It amazed me how much time he used on it, maybe a half hour just on the beanie. Sirius explained to me something with light sources, and how he used the different shades to blend it all because nothing ever just has one shade.

I was surprised about how good he was even though this seemed to be the first time. He told me he had seen a lot of tutorials on his computer, and that it helped him.

"What is your… biggest inspiration?" I asked.

"Bob Ross, he is like the best artist in the world. He says anyone can be a great artist. He also taught me not to think too much about it, just paint and see what comes out of it" Sirius´ eyes were shining.

"He sounds like a cool guy" I agreed. It´s really nice to talk with Sirius, I´m relaxed with him. "I have an idea" I announced. He looked questioning at me. "We can make a really cool pattern on your duvet if we paint some of it today, and the rest tomorrow."

Sirius cracked a smile. "How?"

"I´ll show you" I stated mysteriously and smirked before jumping up and grabbed the bucket on my way towards the bathroom. Sirius was in there not long after me. I took the shower head and began filling the bucket with water, about 3/4, then I lifted it into his room again. "Red or gold first?"

"What is best?" he sat down opposite me and looked interested at the colours I had brought.

"Gold."

"Then I choose gold" he announced and watched with interest as I poured the colour in and began stirring.

"It would be practical with another bucket, then there is less waste," I thought out loud.

In a heartbeat, Sirius was in his bed again and pressed the bottom on the wall. "Angeline will come in a bit, I bet she can get us another one…" he sat down opposite me again and stared at the bucket. "Can you _please_ tell me what your idea is?" he folded his hands and made his best puppy eyes.

I almost gave because he is so _goddamn cute_. "Tomorrow" I instead answered mysteriously, Sirius pouted but quickly smiled again.

…

My heart was beating fast, like really fast, even faster than all the times I had to gather courage to talk with Sirius. Before I knew him, I had nothing to lose. I have everything to lose now. James and Peter are my very best friends.

I came to school early, hoping I could talk with them before class. When I saw them coming, I took a deep breath before walking in their direction. I know they saw me, but both of them acted as if they didn´t.

"Hi" I greeted.

They can´t ignore me any longer. "Hi" Peter murmured and was about to leave, but I stopped them.

"Can we talk?" I asked nervously. It hadn´t occurred to me before that they might not accept my apology, though I quickly threw away the thought. We have been friends forever, of course they will. "Please" I added.

Peter nudged James in the side, he sighed. "Fine" his tone made me nervous but I still guided them towards the library. Once inside I blurted out; "I´m sorry."

James sighed again. "Remus if you are just gonna-"

"No!" I quickly said. "I… Padfoot said I could tell you everything" this seemed to catch their interest. James and Peter listened eagerly as I told them everything, about Sirius´ past and why they can´t come too. I didn´t tell them exactly where he is, but otherwise I told them everything.

They were both speechless as I finished.

"Oh…" Peter said.

"Oh, it explains so much… Remus I´m sorry I overreacted so much-" James began but I cut him off.

"It´s not your fault, and it´s not only that. I shouldn´t have abandoned you and be late all the time. I´m sorry too" I admitted, relieved that they understood and accepted.

"Friends again?" Peter asked hopefully.

"Friends again" James and I confirmed with a smile and we all went in for a group hug.

I´m so lucky to have Sirius, James and Peter in my life.

…

…

…

/Yup that was this chapter.

Remember to tell me your thoughts :D/


	27. When we coloured

His hair looks soft and is probably amazing to run one´s fingers through.

"Are you gonna visit him later today?" James asked casually at lunch. We hadn´t really been able to talk after the hug because of classes.

I nodded. "I´m gonna keep visiting him for a while, just till he feels better and can come out."

"Did you really mean that he doesn´t want us there?" Peter blurted out, James looked expectantly at me. It hurt me. I wanted to lie, but I hate to lie to them. They deserve the truth, even if it might hurt them a bit.

"Yeah, but… it´s not like he doesn´t want you there, he just isn´t feeling very well, and a lot of people around him will just make it worse. I think you can come when he feels better" I promised, their expressions were a bit hurt, yet also accepting. I sighed relieved.

"You seem pretty sure that he will feel better sometime" James pointed out.

I nodded again. "Angeline says he is already doing so much better, he really needed a friend" I blushed when Peter winked.

"Sure that it´s a friendship he needs?" he dragged out the 'u' in sure.

"I don´t know" I whined. "One moment it´s one thing, and next moment it´s another. He hugged me yesterday _and_ held my hand because I was upset… but the next moment he acted as if nothing of it had happened. He had even cupped my face!" I tried to remember it, at the moment I had been too upset to think about it, but his tiny hands on my face were just the most perfect feeling in the entire universe.

Peter laughed. "So not much has changed, huh?"

I half-smiled. "Actually, something has changed actually, he sees me as a friend at least."

"Uhh, the friend zone" James teased.

I rolled my eyes yet was secretly happy that he teased me. "Yeah, yeah, it´s better than nothing. How are things going with Lily anyways" James blushed so I knew something had happened. "What? Tell me!"

"Uhh… nothing… I-"

"She asked him out on a date last Friday" Peter quickly said.

The increased blushing on James´ brown face confirmed what he said was true. "What? Where did you go? Did you ki-iss?" I smirked as I said the last word.

James calmed himself down before he answered. "We ate in town and walked around the park. I gave her my jacket because she was cold and then she kissed me" the blushing returned again. "I walked her home and then we kissed again" James had a dreamy look in his eyes. The exact same one I would probably have had if Sirius had smiled after one of the times we kissed.

"It´s great James," I told truthfully. "What was it like kissing her?"

"Just… perfect, simply. Her lips on mine, it was the best feeling in the world."

…

I went to visit Sirius after school again. Not a surprise really, I have been for the past week. When I arrived, he sat on the bed and drawing on the piece from yesterday. Sirius quickly packed the things away. His expression was part nervous and part excited. He didn´t start talking before Angeline had left again.

"How did it go?" Sirius rubbed his hands together. Cute.

"Great" I smiled genuinely. "We hugged and everything. I should say hi from them, they really miss you."

Sirius nodded. "I miss them too" he admitted and might have blushed a little bit, though it disappeared quickly. "C-Can we colour now?"

"Yeah."

He relaxed visibly. The duvet was already on the floor and the buckets were filled with the coloured water from yesterday. Sirius quickly jumped over there to begin as soon as possible. "You _have_ to tell me your idea now."

I laughed and sat down opposite him. "I guess so" though I didn´t tell him quite yet. It´s not meant to sound mean, but I like that he pleads me. I showed him a handful of rubber bands that had been in my pocket just before. "If we put these on, and put the gold end into the red water, then there will come a really cool pattern. Of course we will do the same thing with the other end."

His mouth shaped a little 'o' and the broke into an excited grin. "How cool exactly?"

"Cooler than you" I teased.

"Then it must be the coolest thing in the world" he laughed. Oh dear God, he laughed. One of that laughter that comes from deep inside your stomach and just bubbles up. I couldn´t help but laugh myself because; wauw, it´s great.

"Yeah, it must be" I agreed.

We fasten all the rubber bands to the duvet and placed each end in the water at the same time, we even made some double circles. It had to stay like that for a bit for the colour to really get in. Sirius impatiently waited for it to be done, while I patiently stared at him. He is so cute when he pouts.

"Isn´t it done soon?"

"In a moment" I patiently answered, not wanting him to move seeing as I had a really great view. "How far have you come with the drawing from yesterday?"

Sirius looked up. First to me, and then the desk where he had placed it later. He quickly got up and got it from there. I followed him and we sat down on the bed. The whole thing was coloured now, though I think he needed just a few little things.

There was the wolf, it was grey. The beanie was green, the scarf rainbow coloured, and the mug… yeah well, mug-coloured. There was smoke coming up from the mug and little white snowflakes in the background.

"It looks great," I told truthfully. "I´m glad you can put the colours to good use."

"I´m glad you gave them… and I have finished the book you gave me. It was really cool."

"Yeah?" I smiled. "I´m reading it too, though I haven´t had time to finish yet" I really should do that soon, maybe Sirius and I could talk about when I have finished.

"Really? You should, it has the _best_ ending _ever_ " he used his hands to really mark and make sure I understood how it really is the best ending ever. That was cute.

I blocked my ears with my hands. "No spoilers!" I exclaimed seriously, yet still laughing.

"Hmm" Sirius stroked his chin with two fingers. "What are you willing to do so that I might not accidentally spill something…" he raised his eyebrow at me and then laughed with me.

It was extremely hard for me to not answer 'a kiss'. Yet I managed. "I will… _not_ draw giant lines over this" I pointed at the drawing and smiled to him as I did, to make sure he knew I was joking. His smile did not fade, which means my quest was completed.

"You wouldn´t" he dared and leaned away from me while protecting the paper.

"Only if you won´t spoil"

He eyed me and then nodded. "Deal!" Sirius declared. "But then you _have_ to finish it quickly. I can´t wait to talk about it with you" his smile was genuine and cute.

And I can´t wait to talk with you until the very end of my life.

…

/Yup, I posted again…

If you have any idea about what should happen, be sure to comment. I´m kinda out of ideas… but don´t say 'make them kiss' because even though it doesn´t seem like it right now, it _is_ going to happen sooner or later… just not right now/


	28. When I picked films

His voice alone turns me on.

"Moony!" Sirius exclaimed as soon as I entered the door to his room. He jumped up from his bed and dragged me toward it again. "Look. It´s so pretty! I love it" Sirius gestured to the duvet.

The one half was red with golden flowers -or snowflakes- all over, big and small, the other half was golden with red flowers. It lit the whole room up and made it feel less empty. Still, his smile was shining more than anything else.

"I´m glad you do" I replied honestly with a smile equal to the one on his perfect lips.

"I almost can´t wait to go to sleep tonight" he grinned. "It´s so soft, try to feel it" Sirius took a part of the duvet and lifted it towards me.

I stroked it. "It is soft" suddenly I didn´t know what to do with my hands. I´m not used to Sirius being this happy and overly excited, but I really like it.

He sat cross-legged on the bed and I sat down next to him resisting the urge to move closer and maybe wrap my arms around him. Neither of us said anything at first, yet it was a comfortable silence. I´m happy that Sirius and I are so close that it doesn´t get awkward between us.

"Do you wanna see a film?" Sirius then asked after a couple of minutes. I wonder if he has been thinking about it for a while or just came up with it. If he tried to gather courage to ask. He didn´t seem nervous.

"Yeah. What film?"

"It´s not before tomorrow" Sirius quickly said, he smiled. "We can see it on Angeline´s computer, it has a place for DVDs, and she can make popcorn for us" he suggested, and it sounded like they had already been talking about it.

"Sounds good, but what film will we see then?" I asked. Honestly, I don´t really want to see a film, that way I wouldn´t be able to talk with Sirius and won´t be able to look at him. Two of my favourite things.

"Can you pick one?" he asked cutely.

"Yeah, of course. Do you wanna know my ideas or wanna be surprised?"

"Surprise me" Sirius exclaimed excitedly.

…

"Hey gu-uuuuuy-s" it was a strange view. I had been stressed over the fact that I had to choose a film for Sirius. I hadn´t really thought of asking them before for whatever reason, but when it had occurred to me, I just _had_ to talk with my friends.

I know that James and Lily have been on a date and that they kissed, though I don´t think anything could have prepared me for what happened here. James and Lily were sitting next to each other, almost on only one chair and James had his arms around her. He looked like the happiest man on earth and she didn´t look like someone who wanted to be somewhere else, actually, it looked like she belonged right next to him.

"What´s up Remus," James asked casually and ignored my shocked expression. This hasn´t happened before… has it? No, it hasn´t...

"Uhh…"

"Oh right. I got a hair-cut yesterday" James ran the hand he wasn´t holding around Lily through his hair. When my expression was still shocked, he laughed. "And I´m dating Lily."

"Really? I didn´t notice" I said sarcastically and sat down next to Peter. "Since when?"

"Yesterday," Lily told happily. I used to be really good friends with her in our earlier years, but we don´t talk so much anymore. I kinda miss her, but if she is with James then maybe we can all hang out more.

"But what´s up with you Remus, you look like someone who has something important to ask" Peter quipped.

I was blank a moment before I remembered. "Si… Padfoot wants me to choose a film for us to see today, and I can´t pick one" I pouted. What kind of film does he even like? What if I choose one, he hates?

"Who is Padfoot?" Lily asked with a frown.

"New guy" Peter explained and her mouth formed a little 'o'.

"What kind of film are you looking for?" James asked casually as if Lily this close to him didn´t make his heart beat like crazy.

I blushed. Can I say this around Lily? "One you can kiss to" I mumbled just a little bit ashamed and blushed harder when the others and Lily started laughing.

"Singin In The Rain" James suggested without thinking too much about it. "Dad showed it to mom the night they got their first kiss."

Peter rolled his eyes. "They are also ancient" he joked. "You should pick a scary-film, then he can really cuddle with you while you protect him" Peter hugged himself as a demonstration. I laughed even though it was a good idea, I like the idea of Sirius cuddling with me for comfort, yet I don´t think it´s it, he doesn´t strike me as a guy who likes scary films.

"You should take Grease" Lily suggested. "It´s a classic, everyone loves that movie and the last scene is perfect for kissing" I blushed just a tiny bit more.

James used both his arms to pull Lily closer and she let him. "It sounds like you know a lot about this" he mumbled to her neck.

Lily laughed a perfect laugh. "I had actually planned that we should see this movie on Saturday" James´ face turned red, he mumbled something only Lily could hear, and she laughed again.

"Can I borrow it? I think I have just enough time to get it before I´m going to meet him" I asked before they might start snogging. Or else I just wanted it to end.

If I have to be completely honest with myself I´m jealous. They have something beautiful and I want the same thing with Sirius, though I can´t no matter what. Even if he wanted to be with me, we would never be able to be so open about it in public. Sirius wouldn´t want that after what happened. And even though we decided to be open about it, people would be sending us disgusted looks while they send warm looks towards James and Lily.

I try to not be mad at them. It´s not their fault that there are shitty people on earth.

"Yeah, of course," Lily smiled. I don´t think I have ever seen her this happy.

…

I walked with Lily towards her flat. It was extremely cold, and I was happy about my decision to always wear a jumper, gloves and scarf. A thought had been nagging me all day. Lily hadn´t asked any questions at all when I told I wanted to kiss Sirius. Does everyone know I´m gay? Or did James just tell Lily?

"How did you know that I´m gay?" I asked casually and tried not to shake.

"I didn´t."

"You didn´t? Then why did you take it so casually?" I asked confused yet was also happy. The whole school didn´t know and I really don´t know how they feel about it. Sometimes it can be really scary.

"Marlene McKinnon is bi, and she told me that it´s annoying every time people get surprised over her being LGBT so I have been trying to talk about it without making a big deal out of it. You aren´t the first person to be happily-surprised because of it" she flashed me a platonic smile.

"You are a really cool person" I blurted out. The world really needs more people like her.

Lily laughed. "I try."

She is one of those people who doesn´t live with her parents, so naturally, her flat is very small. I also think her parents live far from the school which might be the reason. I wonder what it would be like to have Sirius as a roommate.

There was a little television in the corner of the room in front of the bed that also functioned as a couch. Next, to it there was a little cupboard, Lily headed towards it and I saw it was filled with DVDs. She quickly found the one with Grease, Singin In The Rain, a scary film I have never seen before and handed it to me.

"Just so you have a few to choose from" she explained. I thanked her, put the films in my bag and prepared to leave.

"Good luck" she quickly said before I closed the door.

"Thanks" I´m probably gonna need it.

I sure hope this works.

…

…

…

 **Author here**

 **Hi**

 **Idk what to say**

 **Leave reviews and likes thank you very much :D**


	29. When we got together

Sometimes it´s hard to describe my feelings for him.

I was there before the bus came. The reason that I don´t usually take the late bus is that then I´ll have to hurry in the other end. Though today I had to find a movie and couldn´t do it any other way. The universe is with me as the bus comes early instead of late for once.

My heart instantly starts beating faster every time I simply think of him. Sometimes I think I´m gonna get a heart attack from his cuteness. Other times I feel like I´m gonna melt from his hotness. Maybe I´m cheesier than pizza. I hope Sirius likes cheese because otherwise it´s not really gonna work that well.

Angeline is already in the waiting room when I arrived. I walked a little bit faster when I saw her. "You aren´t late, don´t worry. Did you find a good film?" she looked as great as always. I probably would have been interested if I wasn´t into guys only.

"Yeah. Three actually. Uhm… are you single by the way?" I suddenly remembered what Peter asked me last week.

She frowned. "Why are you asking?"

"My friend Peter-"

"Wormtail? The little chubby guy?" she didn´t look too excited. "Isn´t he kind of a player?"

I don´t know if he had kind of a reputation or if Sirius had told her about him. Peter probably hopes that it´s the first one.

"Yeah… he just wants to try a lot before he finds the one and only, I guess… Can we go meet Sirius now?"

His whole room smelled like popcorn. That´s the first thing I notice. Sirius is sitting cross-legged on the bed, his tongue is sticking out and he is doing something on the computer in front of him. When Sirius saw me his face lit up. My brain literally stopped working. I didn´t even realize I had said hi when Angeline closed the door and snapped me out of it.

"Did you bring a film?"

"I brought three" I walked closer towards the bed, placed my bag next to it and picked up the three movies. "How do you like Singin In The Rain?"

Sirius´ nose wrinkled and he shook his head. Oh, dear God that is the cutest thing I have ever seen him do. I should have brought more films he wouldn´t like just so I could see that over and over again. Somebody should make a film only starring only Sirius and him doing normal everyday things that I find tremendously cute.

"What about a scary movie then?" the idea of Sirius seeking comfort with me suddenly popped into my head again.

"No no no" he shook his head once again, though his nose didn´t wrinkle. "I´m no good with scary movies."

"Grease?" I asked and tried not to sound nervous. What if he didn´t like any of the movies I had brought?

Though he smiled. "I love Grease! It´s my favourite one" I smiled as well when he reached for the film to put it on. Sirius still sat cross-legged when I sat down next to him and I swear his leg was touching mine. He makes it so hard for me to concentrate on the movie that started playing. He placed the bowl with popcorn between us.

I actually _did_ try to focus on the movie. For a few minutes at least. It´s just that I have seen in other movies how people take popcorn at the same time and accidentally bump hands. I wanna do that. I stared at his hands so I could take mine up at the same time -while trying not to make it weird- and we touched. It felt so amazing and right. He quickly withdrew his hand and I don´t know if it´s good or bad.

No matter what I couldn´t do it again. I had my hand behind him to steady myself. Sirius is so close and he smells so good. I imagined us as the lead characters, that we would get together in the end and snog a lot…

Sirius seemed very concentrated on the movie. Without making it too obvious I moved slightly closer to him, he didn´t flinch away and my heart might have skipped a beat. Or two. I could have been dead but no one knows.

My hand crept closer to his arse, though I managed to stop it just in time. Sirius was so close now and I couldn´t work correctly. He was just _so_ close. If I leaned just a little more towards him, we would be touching. I could hear him breathe.

Sandy and Danny were singing their last song together. You are the one that I want. Maybe Sirius would finally be with me if I sang that song to him, the only problem is that I can´t sing. The film ended and the credits began.

I turned my head and so did Sirius. If he hadn´t moved a little away we would be touching right now. Sirius wasn´t looking into my eyes, he was looking at my lips.

I leaned the little bit closer we needed, and it was so much better than all the other times combined. My hands were suddenly on his hips and I have no idea how they ended up there. When we broke apart his hands flew up to mine and he tried to pull them away.

If I´m not mistaken his eyes were red with tears. "Let go of me" Sirius pleaded and tried to move my hands again.

"No" I stated and remembered the last time that happened. A tear fell down his cheek and he hiccupped. "Sirius this is what we both want. It´s okay! I won't hurt you" I stroked his hip with my thumb.

"How do you know that?!" he cried out loud and hiccupped again. "How do you know it won't just end like last time?"

"You can´t base your whole future on one bad experience-"

"But that´s what he said!" Sirius´ whole body was shaking and I was afraid he might run away again. I can´t have him run away when he is upset. "He promised he would stay with me forever, he promised he would love me. But he didn´t!" Sirius hiccupped again. I wanted to wrap my arms around him but he probably didn´t want that at the moment. "Why should you be any different?"

I don´t think I was supposed to answer him. He was still trying to get away.

"Because I´m not him. I´m not anything like him, I´m not ashamed" I wanted to add that I wouldn´t hurt him, but I don´t wanna be like Dennis. "You got to give me a chance."

To my big surprise, Sirius leaned against me. His head was on my shoulder and his whole left side was touching my whole right side. Sirius´ hands didn´t hold mine any longer and I used mine to hold around him. He didn´t flinch, he didn´t ask me to stop. Sirius calmed down and my t-shirt might have gotten a little wet, yet I couldn´t care less.

We sat like that for what felt like a very long time.

It took some before he started talking again, but when he did it was only a whisper. His voice was raspy. If I hadn´t seen him cry I would be able to guess it.

"I´m scared."

"You don´t have to" I whispered back.

"But I am" he cried again and snuggled closer towards me. "What if it will end just like last time? What if you are just liked him?"

"I´m not though, am I?" I rested my head on his head.

"I can´t lose you" he whispered. "If I had just hadn´t convinced him to get together, I wouldn´t have gotten hurt. I would still be his friend. I wouldn´t have lost him-"

I moved slightly away and cupped his face with my hand just like he had done with me when I was upset. Though unlike his small hands on my face, I had big hands on his head and was able to hold more.

"You won't lose me" I promised and knew that was a thing I would keep forever. "What do you say we do it this way; we try it. Even though I´m crazy about you it might not work out. If it doesn´t I´ll still be here as your friend."

"Really?" his eyes were hopeful. "You´ll stay with me?"

"Always" I smiled, and he did as well. "Not even ten wild horses would be able to keep me away" I joked, and Sirius laughed shortly.

My heart was beating like crazy as I just stared into Sirius´ eyes.

"So… you´re crazy about me?" Sirius teased and smirked. I blushed and let go of him only to take his hands instead. They were so small and perfect in mine. Just like I imagined them. "I think it´s cute" he admitted and blushed as well.

I wanted to touch every inch of him, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to cuddle and spend the whole night together. But time ran out. Angeline came. She had given us an extra half hour, so I had to leave now.

I didn´t want to kiss him in front of Angeline so I just settled with smiling and promising I would be back tomorrow.

 _Finally._

…

…

…

 **YAY**

 **I was finally able to make this chapter** _ **God**_ **I have been waiting forever.**

 **I hope you enjoyed and want to tell me your thoughts!**


	30. When I panicked

I feel like I´m walking on a cloud.

I walked to James´ place because I knew he was home. It was necessary for me to let my feelings out and tell someone. I don´t remember much from the trip over there, suddenly I was just laying on James´ bed and sighed happily.

"Hi, Moony" he greeted. It isn´t the first time I have just walked in uninvited.

"Sirius and I are together," I told quietly and couldn´t even believe my own words. We were together. He is my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend and it´s Sirius. Him. My boyfriend. Sirius. Sirius is my boyfriend.

"What?" James asked distractedly. I think he was texting somebody.

I sat up on the bed and looked at him. "Sirius is my boyfriend" I couldn´t stop the smile that was showing on my face. It felt so unrealistic to say out loud. At some point, I even doubted it would ever happen. But it has happened. It happened. It´s happening.

"What?" this time he wasn´t distracted. James was fully focused on the words I said, and I knew that. I just had to say it one more time. I would say it a million times if it was possible.

"Sirius and I are dating" I exclaimed the smile never fading.

"For real?" he checked.

"For real!" I confirmed.

James hit my arm in need of something better. "Oh whatever" he exclaimed and pulled me in for a hug. "Remus this is amazing. How did it happen? How does it feel? Did you ki-iss?" I blushed. I hadn´t had the time to think much about it, it had just happened, so answering these questions might not be that easy, but whatever, I could talk about Sirius all day.

"We were watching Grease. He doesn´t like scary movies or Singin In The Rain" James had a frown on his face because how can someone _not_ like Singin In The Rain? I had wondered the same thing but had decided not to ask him because it doesn´t matter. "We were sitting super close. His leg was touching mine, and we accidentally brushed hands when we got popcorn."

"Accidently huh?" he teased.

I blushed again. "Okay maybe not so accidental, but it was amazing because his hands are so small and cute. Anyways, towards the end, we were sitting really close, and then we kissed. It was so amazing. He didn´t want to be together though because he was afraid I was gonna hurt him like Dennis" James nodded understanding. I had told both him and Peter about Dennis. "But I convinced him that I wouldn´t hurt him for a thing in the world, we cuddled a bit and at last he agreed to be together" the smile had found its way back on my face.

"I´m gonna call Peter, we _have_ to celebrate this!"

…

Sirius looked more nervous than he had in a long time. I had expected the opposite. Now that we are together there shouldn´t be any secrets between us. Neither of us should be uncomfortable or nervous. He didn´t start talking before Angeline had left and I sat on the bed opposite him.

"W-We are together, right?" Sirius did that cute thing where he drew circles on his hand. "It´s not just something I imagined? Or misunderstood, right?" he made a nervous laugh.

I reached for his hand. Sirius didn´t flinch or pull it back, he actually gave me his other hand as well. I was holding both his hands in both my hands oh my god. "It´s real if you want it to be," I told calmly even though my insides were everything but calm.

Sirius smiled with sound. "I want it to be" he confirmed. I was about to lean in for a kiss when he interrupted me. "But the other thing? W-We will still stop if it doesn´t work out, right? You won´t leave me, right? We will still be friends even though we aren´t together anymore?" I don´t think it was supposed to hurt me -because he squeezed my hand- but it kinda did.

I had promised. "Of course. I promised already so of course" I smiled at him and he smiled back. It helped a bit and I decided to think about the other thing later.

"You can kiss me now by the way" he grinned and then blushed, but he didn´t look away. Sirius was looking at me.

I laughed and then leaned forward. Our lips met. There was no touching besides our lips, and it felt so amazing. I felt Sirius shift closer and so I did the same. I needed air before him and therefore broke the kiss. The look that met me was the best thing I have ever seen.

Sirius´ lips were a bit swollen, just slightly. His eyes were dreamy and locked in mine. But most importantly and with no doubt the best thing; he smiled. He didn´t have red teary eyes like the other times, and he didn´t try to escape or ask me to stop. He smiled and it looked as if he wanted another kiss.

"I liked that very much" he admitted. His lips were moving and I couldn´t help but kiss him again. They felt so perfect on mine and I wish I could hold my breath forever so I could kiss him forever. We moved even closer together, Sirius was sitting on me and he moved his arms around my neck. Suddenly I panicked and accidentally broke the kiss.

He stared confused at me.

"Sorry" I quickly said. Oh god, why did I have to ruin it when it was finally going well? "I didn´t know what to do with my hands" I blushed and wished I could look away, but he was all over me.

Sirius laughed. "Moony you are so silly" he grinned, but in a sweet way. "You can touch me anywhere" he stated seriously and traced his thumb down my neck. That simple gesture made me unable to think. I might have stared for a bit while he still traced his finger down, but then he suddenly stopped. "You don´t like it?" his voice was uncertain.

I quickly wrapped my arms around him afraid that he would pull away. "No no no! I like it! Love it! Keep doing it" I pleaded which made him laugh again. _God,_ I love this. The closeness and him not shying away from me. "It´s just that I can´t think when you touch me."

He wasn´t laughing now, he was really serious. "Good thing you don´t need to think while you kiss" and then his lips met mine again. I tried to remember stuff from movies, didn´t people run their fingers through their partner´s hair? I decided to try it, my hand went towards his hair, but then I realized it was braided.

I decided to unbraid it. To my luck, it was a normal one instead of a French braid. I quickly undid it and then ran my fingers through. He seemed to like it as he moaned into my mouth. I swear it made me hot. Sirius took dominance in the kiss. Suddenly his front was rubbing against my stomach. I panicked, broke the kiss and fell backwards on the bed.

Sirius sat on me with a curious look in his eyes. I hid my face with my hands. This was so embarrassing. He is so good at kissing and knows exactly what to do meanwhile I can´t even keep the kiss going.

"I´m sorry that I´m so bad at this" maybe I should have practised kissing before actually getting together with him. This was like the best nightmare in the world. The best because _I was kissing Sirius_ , but a nightmare because I´m so bad at it.

"Am I your first?" he didn´t joke or tease me.

"Is it that obvious?" I whined.

"Whatever" Sirius took my hands to pull me up. He moved away slightly so he wasn´t sitting on me anymore. "We got lots of time to practice" I was sure my whole head was red. "Have you read the whole book?" we were still touching each other.

"Yeah" I wonder if there comes a time, where I can touch Sirius without going completely nuts.

"Then what about we take a slight kissing-break and talk about it?"

Sirius made no move to move from my side, and I felt like even though we weren´t kissing, there was going to be a lot of closeness so of course I agreed.

…

I decided to kiss Sirius goodbye before I left today. It was short and quick, but I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. He smiled and we waved as I exited through the door.

"So you and Sirius, huh?" Angeline asked as soon as the door closed.

I blushed. "Hmm" and then we walked. "Didn´t he tell you already?"

"Yes. But he wasn´t sure if you were together or not. You are now and I´m so happy about that" she seemed really genuine. I really like that she cares about Sirius this much. I know it´s part of her job, but it seems like there is more to it.

We walked in silence a little bit.

"I want to ask you something," I told when we entered the elevator. "Sirius talked about the promise I gave him. About us still being friends if we don´t work out as a couple. I don´t know how I should feel about it."

Angeline simply smiled. "You have nothing to worry about. He thinks that if you get close, and becomes a couple you will leave him, or he will get hurt. I´m glad you suggested the friend-thing, it calms him to know he won´t lose you" her words calm me. "Sirius won´t be using it. He just needs reassurance that you won´t leave him."

I won't leave him ever.

…

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 **I wrote this really fast wtf**

 **It´s been a while since I last saw a review ;D**


	31. When he told a story

I wish there was nobody else in the world but us.

"I´m stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid" I repeatedly banged my head against the table in the cafeteria. Lily had once again joined us, it was actually really nice. Though James had been very distracted lately, and it´s kind of annoying. Guess I now know how Peter and James used to feel when I didn´t talk about anything else but Sirius.

"We already know that," Peter said casually. I send him a deadly glare, he only laughed of me.

As always James was the more caring one. "What happened. I´m sure it´s not that bad."

I exhaled loudly. "We were snogging-"

"Now Moony that really is stupid" Peter cut him off and laughed when I send him another deadly glare.

"Isn´t you two snogging a good thing?" James asked confused.

"Honestly Potter, he hasn´t got to that part yet. Remus, please continue. And stop interrupting him Pettigrew" I was secretly grateful that Lily was here. The guys are great, of course, but sometimes a girl´s point of view could be good.

"Thank you, Lily. Finally, somebody respects me" I joked. Peter and James looked offended but didn´t interrupt me. Though when I returned to the subject, I became slightly depressed again. "We were snogging, and it would have been great if I hadn´t ruined it all."

"How did you manage to ruin snogging? It´s the best thing ever" James exclaimed which caused Lily to look slightly offended. "What?" he asked when he noticed. "It _is_ the best thing ever."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Nothing. It´s just that it sounds like you are only with me for the snogging" she teased. I wonder why she said nothing and then it´s suddenly not nothing. Girls are and will forever be a mystery for me. On the other hand; so will Sirius.

James pouted. "I didn´t mean it like that" Lily laughed and leaned closer for a kiss. I removed my eyes because I felt a wrench in my stomach. Jealousy. Peter caught my gaze and rolled his eyes.

"Guys, please. Moony obviously needs our help" Peter stated. James and Lily broke apart embarrassed, oblivious to the pain I was feeling. The world simply isn´t fair. "Remus. I think you should practice. He won´t ever find out."

"Isn´t that like cheating" it wasn´t a question.

"Details, details" Peter brushed it off. "I didn´t mean it like that. If you practice with me or James it doesn´t count" he suggested smartly.

"And by the way, who says kisses are only for relationships?" James added cleverly.

I nodded. It didn´t sound too bad, and last day was so embarrassing. I don´t want to relive that again. Though I still don´t know how I would feel about kissing anybody besides Sirius, I certainly wouldn´t like to have him kiss other guys.

"You can´t honestly mean that" Lily exclaimed and gave us all a stern look. "Who advises somebody else to cheat on their boyfriend?" she added a bit lower. Peter and James (but mostly James) looked regretful. "Remus" Lily stated seriously and turned towards me. "Just tell him the truth. I don´t know about guys, but girls love to be told the truth. Plus, I know I would find it adorable if my boyfriend admitted he wasn´t a good kisser."

I swear my face raised with about a hundred degrees. I muttered something about me not being adorable while James and Peter were about to defend me and argue back, but Lily simply cut them off.

"Let me finish" she ordered and turned towards me again. "Wouldn´t you find it adorable if Padfoot came to you one day and told you that?"

I imagined Sirius in his room at the hospital. Looking down, stumbling upon his words and stutter like he usually did when he was nervous to tell me that he thought he was a bad kisser and apologize for that. If I was better at such situations and a bit more confident, I would pull him towards me, kiss his lips roughly and say that it didn´t matter and I wouldn´t care the slightest.

It appeared as if Lily could see on my face what I was thinking.

…

Sirius was bent over a piece of paper when I entered his room. He smiled -yet also looked slightly nervous- and made room for me to sit next to him. I did it without hesitation. Though when I sat down, he pouted. I decided to move closer, my right arm slipped behind his back. I wanted to slip it around him, but I don´t know how he would feel about that. Sirius leaned against me.

I love this relationship thing.

He was working on another drawing. There were two wolfs, the one was on top of the other. They were snogging. It seemed as if they both had just been fighting because they were covered in blood and scars. The grass and forest around them were dark, yet there was a type of mystical light around them.

"Looks great" I murmured. It felt odd to speak loudly.

"Wanna hear the story behind it?" Sirius smiled at me.

"Yeah" I breathed. "Do all your drawings have stories?" I stroked my thumb over the corner of the paper where there wasn´t any colour so I wouldn´t smudge it.

He nodded. "Sometimes I come up with a story, and I just _need_ to see what it looks like. Then I draw it" Sirius shifted closer towards me and I boldly put my arm around him. "This one…" he pointed at it. "…is a story about to wolves who both want the same girl-wolf. It goes on for a while -each wolf tries to impress her- but she can´t decide which one she wants; hence she makes them fight to see who is strongest. She will be with the winner."

I nodded to show I was listening. Our heads gently bumped against each other as I did so.

"The top-wolf is stronger than the other, wold and he quickly takes him down. Though as he is on top of him and is ready to end it all, he begins to have doubts. Why is he even hurting the handsome wolf below him? He realizes he was never in love with the girl-wolf, but only wanted to impress the other male by showing what exactly what he was capable of."

I was shocked by his imagination.

"The bottom-wolf has known the entire time. Though he had always been admiring from a distance. That was until the top-wolf began flirting with the girl-wolf. He knew he had to do something. Though one thing led to another and now he was trapped below and about to… not be with the others any longer when the top-wolf started kissing him."

"What happened then?" I didn´t want him to stop talking. His voice sounds like thousands of stars playing piano.

"They realized they had to run away because no one would ever accept them. And especially not that they won´t have children. Though the wolves couldn´t care less because they had each other and that is the most important thing in the entire world" his voice was only a whisper now. The story had come to an end.

"It´s a beautiful story" I murmured. There were a couple of minutes in silence. "What about the other one? The one with the wolf, the mug and the rainbow scarf? What´s the story to that one?" I asked interestedly. I didn´t know there was this much thought behind it.

Sirius beamed. "I love that one. The wolf doesn´t like snow, -you know how some people are afraid of snow? - so his boyfriend found a blanket and laid it on top of the snow. Don´t ask me how he does it. Before taking his lover out, he was sure to give him loads of things to keep him warm. On the blanket, they enjoyed a cup of hot cocoa. They watched the sunrise together. I love it because he helped the other wolf overcome his fear."

I can do that too. I´m sure of it.

…

…

…

 **This chapter didn´t turn out as it was supposed to, but it will just come in next chapter then.**

 **Leave reviews? Aww, thank you :D 3**


	32. When he taught me to kiss

He is simply the most wonderful person I have ever met.

"You make great stories," I told him and smiled.

We were both smiling and looking at each other. He suddenly smirked. "You do realize you haven´t kissed me yet, right?

"Yeah," I said, but didn´t do anything else. What if I´m just as bad as yesterday?

Sirius´ face darkened. "You don´t want to kiss?" he asked with a tiny voice. I could feel how he flinched under my touch.

I quickly wrapped my other arm around him and pulled closer while repeatedly saying I´m sorry. "I didn´t mean it like that, of course I want to kiss you…"

He put the drawing away and buried himself deeper into me. I swear I could have died right then and there. This is with no doubt the cutest thing he has ever done. I had the perfect position to kiss his forehead, but what if I did it wrong?

"Then why don´t you kiss me?" Sirius asked confused.

I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself. "I really don´t want to ruin our relationship because I´m so bad at kissing" it felt good to get it out, yet I was still nervous.

There was a slight pause from him. "You are not _that_ bad" he then said at last.

I snorted. "Please. We had to have a 'kissing-break' because I was that bad."

There was another pause from him, and I didn´t know how to take that. What if he reconsidered this whole 'boyfriend' thing?

Sirius got out of my grip to look into my eyes. "I can teach you" he stated dead serious. I gulped. He was so fucking hot. I don´t think I have ever seen him determined in a hot way, a cute way perhaps, but I really like this hot thing. I think I´m sweating.

"Y-Yeah" I didn´t mean to stutter.

He laughed and broke the tense atmosphere I hadn´t even realized was in the room. I immediately relaxed and smiled. Sirius has never been able to just laugh freely this way and I like it very much.

"Just" he took hold of my hand. "Don´t think too much about it" he offered me a really cute smile. "Like when you held me right before, you did that without thinking about it. You just focus on the kiss and everything else comes naturally."

"What if it doesn´t?" I focused on our hands. "I´m terrified that I will ruin it, and you don´t want to be with me anymore."

Sirius pouted in the cutest way I have ever seen. "That makes it sound like you are only in this for the snogging."

I couldn´t help but laugh as he was repeating Lily. He had a very confused expression, so I realized I had to explain. "It´s just that Lily said the exact same thing when James told how much he likes kissing" I felt a bit more relaxed now.

"Lily?" the confused expression didn´t leave Sirius´ adorable face. "The girl James like? She said that?"

I hadn´t realized he hadn´t been there to experience them together. I blushed as I spoke. "Yeah, uhh, they are kind of dating now."

He smiled slightly. "Can you say congratulations for me?" Sirius asked cutely and tightened his grip around my hands.

"Of course" I promised and stroked his hands with my thumbs. I know I said his hands were around mine, but my hands are way bigger than his, and therefore he can´t hold around them very well. Yet I don´t care at all. How can I care about how he is holding my hand when I can care about him holding my hand?

Sirius smiled. "Ready to kiss now?"

I made an unintended nervous laugh. He pouted and pulled himself closer towards me. Breathing became trouble again. Sirius was sitting on me and his lips were inches from mine, I could feel his breath.

"The way you kissed me yesterday was pretty good if it´s for quick kisses" his lips were slightly touching mine as he spoke. "But if you want intense kisses you first want to turn me on. Try" he ordered, and a shiver ran down my spine.

I gulped. "How?"

"I like your hands" he whispered. "Try and touch me places."

He seemed so confident therefore I simply _had_ to do what he asked. I got my hands on his back while looking into his eyes to make sure I didn´t do anything he didn´t like. My hands stroked gently up and down, one of them found it´s way towards the front. It moved from his belly to his chest. I stroked his neck before my fingers found his lips and gently teased them.

His lips were slightly apart when I started, but then he opened it and licked my finger. I was too shocked to move my finger, therefore, he kept licking it. Nervously I took my finger away and licked it myself. Sirius giggled and I couldn´t control myself anymore. I closed the distance between us and kissed his lips.

It all went well until I remembered his comment about the way I kissed yesterday. I broke the kiss.

"So uhh, what next?" I asked before he could comment on it.

He smiled. "It was good hand work, I liked it… you know these films where they kinda eat each other when they snog?" I nodded not sure if I loved the idea or was terrified of it. "Kinda like that just, you know, less extreme" Sirius looked so adorable. "And if you want to do something extra, you can nip my ear…" he touched his ear and I suddenly really wanted to kiss it. "…and trace your lips from there to my mouth before you kiss me."

I poked him gently in his stomach. "Now you are making me nervous" I mumbled.

Sirius shook his head. "Forget it. Just do what feels right."

I nodded and decided to start by putting my hands on his back to pull him closer. Our lips weren´t touching, I was trying the thing Sirius did just a moment ago, where we could feel each other´s breaths. Then I traced my lips towards his ear to nip and kiss it. Sirius leaned into the touch and suddenly I was filled with confidence.

My tongue found it´s way out of my mouth and started licking Sirius´ ear for a moment before tracing down his cheek and towards his mouth. I licked his lips before pressing them together. This was the hard part and I could hear my heart beating faster. Suddenly my hand was on his heart, it beat at the same pace as mine.

I tried to do the 'eat' thing, so I opened my mouth and closed it around his mouth. Sirius moved his arms around my neck while I moved my one hand to hold his back and the other to hold his head. I pressed him closer and took another bite. It felt so amazing and I wanted _more_.

Sirius moaned and suddenly I felt great. I got a tighter hold on him to lay him down, we continued at the same pace. His hands were cupping my cheeks. I parted to our lips to breathe before quickly going back, but he stopped me.

At first, I panicked. Did I do it wrong? But then I looked at him. He was breathing rapidly, deep breaths. His lips were swollen. But he was also smiling. "Good" he managed between breaths.

I smiled before leaning down, not to kiss his mouth, but to kiss his face and neck. I started with a quick kiss on his nose, then moved towards his ears before kissing a little behind them and moving towards his neck. He hummed and I decided to try and make a hickey. That´s not hard, is it?

I licked the spot I had picked before putting my lips down on it and sucking. Though I quickly ran out of air and had to move away. Sirius started laughing. I laid down next to him, my legs were on top of his, and he turned his head to face me.

"Sorry Moony. It was good. I´m glad you did things without thinking too much about it" he smiled and all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss him.

When such a compliment comes from him, it means everything.

"You are good too" I mumbled. A giant understatement. He was perfect.

He smiled. "I guess we are both good tutors then" Sirius joked. "But maybe we should practice some more" he stared intensely at my lips. I couldn´t agree more.

I hope I´ll never kiss anyone but him.

…

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 **This was supposed to happen in the last chapter, but hey now it´s here.**

 **Remember to review if you liked it!**


	33. When I was late

All my dreams come true with him.

Somehow James managed to convince me to go to this fun fair with him, Lily and Peter. He has never shown interest in anything of the kind so I must assume it was Lily's idea. I did go even though I probably should have stayed home to do homework.

I had planned it out so I could spend some time with them, but also have enough time to visit him, maybe even go back after. I don't care as long as I'll be with Sirius on time.

We were there around twelve and therefore decided to grab some lunch before anything else. At the entrance we got some paper-bracelets, it was blue to show it was for Saturday. There were different colours for every day, and if you had a green one, it meant you could come for the whole weekend.

It wasn't big, so we thought we would be able to see everything in one day. The fun fair contained various shops with fun little things, also expensive things and people trying to sell them. There was also carrousels and food shops. The whole thing was decorated with lights that would probably look great once the sun set. And it would soon.

The best part is they had lots of heaters all around the place to warm it up later. It was winter after all.

Lily had picked out the place we were going to eat. They had some kind of sandwich she had tried in another country which she had fallen in love with. James, Peter and I was sitting at a table while she got the food.

"I'm glad you both came today" James admitted. "It's just you haven't really been properly introduced before, and I thought it was about time. I mean we have been dating for a whole week."

"Oh yes. A whole week. Congratulations James" Peter said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

I laughed. "That reminds me, Padfoot wanted me to say congratulations about your new relationship," I told, and James beamed.

"How is it going with you two anyway? Taken it to the next step?" Peter winked and I blushed.

"You are not really allowed to be sexual at the Hospital… but things are going really well. I have become better at kissing, yet I love when we do 'normal' things like before. Instead, we are just sitting close and touching all the time… but James is abnormally red. Spit it out Prongs!"

James' face got even redder before he leaned over the table. "I bought condoms" he whispered.

Peter and I laughed. "That's great Jamsie. Finally replacing your flower with a new one?" Peter teased and James hit his arm.

"Do you think it's going to happen?" I asked seriously. It is a big step, and he hasn't done it before.

"Well… I don't know, but we are going to stay at my place after this, so maybe…" his face had gotten even redder now. "And don't worry Moony, I _have_ been researching this." I send him a fake-confused look.

"You've been researching?" Peter asked. "Geez, you are such a nerd."

"I asked my mom" he confessed. "I just don't want to do anything wrong now that it's my first time-"

"What's your first time?" Lily asked as she sat down next to him and began handing the sandwiches out. Her hair was in a French braid like the one Sirius always have.

"Uhh… being at a fun fair. I haven't tried it before" he quickly took a big bite of the sandwich, but then he froze. James quickly grabbed a napkin and spit it out. Lily looked confused, yet also slightly offended.

I looked at my own sandwich and immediately understood.

"Was that… was that pork?" he looked pale.

"Uhh, Yeah? It's a Pork Roast Sandwich" she stated confused.

"Oh… uh, I'm sure it tastes great Lily" James pushed the sandwich further away and a tense atmosphere appeared. My mind was racing for an idea to make this less awkward.

"He is Muslim" I decided to say at last. "He can't eat pork."

Lily turned to James with a guilty look on her face. "I'm so sorry James! I should have known, I wouldn't have bought it if I knew-"

"It's okay Lils" he laughed. "I'm okay. You're okay. It's fine" he assured her, but she still looked a bit broken. "Don't they sell burgers too?" she nodded. "I'm gonna get one then" James raised himself from the table, and so did Lily.

"I'll get it-"

"Your sandwich will get cold. I'll get it" James kissed her forehead quickly and then went to buy a burger without pork.

Peter who had almost finished his own sandwich took James' towards himself, I saw him and send a look to which he responded with shrugging his shoulders. Lily turned to us.

"How come you not tell me?" she demanded.

"We thought it was obvious" Peter stated with his mouth full of food.

I took the job of calming her down seeing as Peter was useless.

"He doesn't mind Lily. It's alright." My words didn't seem to have the calming effect I hoped for. Some people are too pretty to be sad, Lily and Sirius are some of them. Aw, now I miss Sirius. I wonder what he is doing right now. Probably looking as cute as always.

"I know! I know I know I know, I just…" she looked towards James who noticed and smiled at her. "I hoped today would be perfect…" when Lily turned around again, she was faced with both me and Peter smirking. "What?"

"Need it to be perfect for some fun later ah?" Peter winked. Her cheeks turned almost the same colour as her hair. Peter and I both laughed when James returned.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing!" Lily quickly said.

After eating some delicious Pork Roast Sandwiches and some regular burgers without pork we decided to look around. The sun had already begun setting and the lights have been turned on. We tried a few of the carrousels and James won Lily the smallest prize in the bottle game, still, she loved it.

It was fun and everything was great, but I wished Sirius was here with us. I could win him a prize from the bottle game and put my arms around him as we tried a carousel. We could have kissed and held hands not caring about all the arseholes staring at us. He would have been super excited about all of this because I'm sure he has never been such place before. It could have been hell, but I would have liked it because he was there.

It didn't help at all that James and Lily were here during all those things I wanted to.

Lily and James wanted to look at some shops, but Peter and I were tired, so we found a little quiet place to sit down. We found a bench with a view of the ocean. Everything was peaceful. We could hear the noisy people behind us and the calming waves in front of us. Sirius would have loved the view.

"Everything alright Remus?" Peter asked concerned. "You have been awfully quiet, even for you" he tried to joke, but it came out lame.

"I wish Sirius was here" I mumbled without removing my eyes from the ocean.

"Me too" he admitted. "You were always happier when he was eating lunch with us, and I saw the look he sent you. He was clearly into you. I wish I could find that." I looked at him, but he didn't look at me.

I have known Peter for a long time, but I never thought he would say anything like this. He seems like the kind of guy who only wants the sexual part, not all the cuddles, kisses and just being together.

"It's not helping that James and Lily have to walk around and be so adorable all the time" he huffed.

"I know," I said, relieved that I wasn't the only one. "Even when Sirius comes out, we won't be able to do that…"

We looked into each other's eyes and was quiet for a moment. Then we looked away again.

"You know, a while ago I began questioning my sexuality" Peter admitted. I looked at him interested. "I like girls, that's for sure, and I don't know about boys, but… I think I'm asexual." The world stopped for a moment. Peter has been waiting a long time to tell me this. I have tried this 'coming out' thing and it can be frightening. His face was tense.

There might have been tears in my eyes. "That's great Pete," I said and pulled him in for a hug. "How did you find out?" I know it's a dumb question, but I didn't know what else to ask.

"Many years ago, when people started talking about, girlfriends, boyfriends kissing and sex, I didn't understand a lot of it. I couldn't relate when people said they were excited for their first time because I thought it was disgusting" I have never experienced Peter this serious about anything.

"My parents said I simply had to meet the right girl before it came. But nothing ever came, so I started to push myself into being with a lot of girls, but it always felt so wrong. I even did it with a guy once, but that wasn't right either."

I can't believe Peter had sex with a guy before me.

"I thought that I just had to do it enough times before it felt good, you know like there are some things you have to eat a certain amount of time before it tastes good."

It's weird logic. I feel kind of bad, am I a bad friend for not knowing this? Should I have noticed?

"I felt really bad because if it, but I overheard someone in town talking about having the same problem as me, only it wasn't a problem to them. I asked them and they told me that I'm asexual, and it's not a bad thing. I don't know if you noticed, but I haven't been with anyone lately."

"Now that you say, I see it" I told. "Thanks for sharing your story, it means a lot" I hugged him again.

"Thanks for listening."

James and Lily walked towards us, they held two ice cream cones each. Peter and I moved closer together to make space for the other two. They gave us the ice cream - mine was with pure chocolate.

"I'm asexual" Peter announced. Lily and James looked at him.

"Good for you" James responded and smiled at his friend.

The only thing that could make this moment better was if Sirius was here. Sirius. Shit.

I suddenly got really stressed and jumped off the bench. Lily, Peter and James all stared confused at me and I can understand why. My heart was racing.

"What time is it?" I half-yelled.

"Almost four" James quickly answered.

"Shit."

Shit. Shit. Shit.

…

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…

 **Now I want to eat Pork Roast Sandwich come on!**

 **Thanks a lot to Dumb Dreamer for the idea with the fun fair!**

 **Remember to leave reviews! I would love them!**


	34. When he had a panic attack

I love to kiss his nose.

I had been running all the way. The bus didn't go before a half hour, therefore I decided it was faster to run all the way to the hospital. Perhaps I should have called someone to drive me up there, but my mind couldn't come up with anything of the sort. All I knew was that I _had_ to get to Sirius fast.

There is only one thing I need to tell.

I'm not cut out for running.

People are built differently and I'm just one of those people who can't run. It's a curse really, and I must have looked like a madman running into the hospital sweating and hair sticking to my forehead. I was panting rapidly and tried to at least get some air into my lungs.

In a heartbeat, Angeline was beside me, grabbed my arm and began dragging me towards the elevator and Sirius' room.

"Why are you first coming now?" she asked furiously.

"Sorry" was all I managed. We didn't run down the hallway but simply walked really fast. In a matter of seconds, we were in front of Sirius' door.

Angeline opened it but quickly shut it again. "He is having a panic attack" she stated calmly.

"What?!" I'm not really sure what a panic attack is, but it doesn't sound good. How bad is such a thing? What will happen and when will it end?

"Go in there, calm him down, but don't embrace him. It will just make it worse" her calm voice made me relax.

I took a deep breath and carefully opened the door. Sirius was sitting on the bed, his hands had a tight grip on his head and he was breathing rapidly. I don't think he saw or heard me enter. I walked quietly towards his bed and sat in front of him and made sure to have some distance between us, but not too much.

"Sirius?" nothing happened. "Sirius it's me. Remus" still nothing happened, and I was unsure if I could touch him, after all, Angeline had only told me to not embrace him. "Sirius, it's Remus. Remus is here" I tried and I think it helped a little bit. His breaths became slower. "Remus is here" I repeated. "I'm here."

The last part was a whisper, but it was what made Sirius stop catching after his breath. Instead, tears ran out of his eyes and he sobbed quietly. I didn't know what to do with my body and it was awful. When could I touch him again?

I had to do something. "Sirius?"

Suddenly his head jerked up. His eyes were red and puffy, we clearly shared the same miserableness. I swear it took all my willpower not to embrace him immediately.

"R-Remus?" his voice was only a whisper.

"I'm here" I confirmed and he let out another flow of tears.

"W-W-Why f-first n-n-now" Sirius was a crying mess and I couldn't handle it.

"I'm so sorry Sirius. The time ran from me, I didn't mean to" I felt so helpless. He was my boyfriend, how could I let him down like this? I'm supposed to make him happy - not the opposite. "It was only a little while-"

"BUT THAT'S WHAT HE SAID" Sirius seemed surprised of his own outburst, but that didn't stop dozens of more tears to appear in his perfect eyes. "H-He said he would come b-back quickly. He was only s-supposed to go for a little while." My boyfriend struggled to hold back tears. "B-But he didn't come b-back! He never came back!"

That's it. I couldn't take it anymore. Sirius just looked so lost, like he didn't know what to do with himself. He needed to know I was there, so I _had_ to embrace him. I had to.

My arms were full of Sirius and I tried to calm him down the best I could. It was my fault he relived that moment from so many years ago, yet still haunted him probably more often than I was aware of. Sirius sobbed into my neck and I tried to hold him closer.

It took a while, but he managed to calm down. Sirius was still shaking, and I was still holding him tightly. I didn't intend to let go any time soon.

"I thought you…" he began with a tiny voice, but I cut him off.

"But I didn't. I'm here now and I didn't."

He pressed himself closer to me and I pulled him closer. Even though the tears had stopped, and he wasn't shaking as much as before, he still needed the hug. How could I be so stupid and forget the time?

"I think I might have a solution" I stated suddenly. My mouth speaking before I had even gotten the idea.

Sirius huffed and buried his head deeper into my neck. "Do you have a solution to everything?"

I smiled slightly. "What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't?"

He hesitated for a moment. "The kind I am" he replied sadly.

"You bring me joy, Sirius" I kissed his forehead and it felt right. "I'm just returning the favour." He seemed disbelieving. I still need to tell him my idea. "If I'm ever late again, or sick, I'll just text Angeline and then she can tell you. That way you don't have to worry." My lips were touching his head as I spoke.

"You really have thought of everything" he mumbled.

We sat like that for a very long time. Perhaps an hour, I have no idea. It feels so great to hold him in my arms like this and feel the almost tickling sensation from his breath on my neck. This is the kind of moment I would love to remember forever. It really shows how far he has come with recovery that I am even allowed to hold him like this.

"Do you want to talk about Salvatore?" I mumbled quietly.

He didn't answer at first, therefore I thought he didn't want to, I was about to ask something else when he began speaking.

"I was scared my first night in our house. He had removed me from my parents, and I didn't quite understand what was going on and why my brother wasn't with me. I couldn't fall asleep, so he brought me to the living room, and we watched a film until I fell asleep next to him. Dad stayed awake the whole night to make sure I didn't wake up again."

I loved how he lit up talking about him.

"The first time I called him dad he almost cried. After that he hugged me a thousand times and bought me ice cream. We saw the sunset and the full moon rise. He put a blanket around me when it became darker and we gazed at the stars together."

I gently stroked his back as encouragement to continue.

"I reminded dad of a dog because every time I played outside, I would be covered in mud -also because I would be excited about the smallest things all the time- so he would have to clean all my clothes while I took a bath in the bathtub. He always just rolled his eyes and laughed. My own parents never let me have fun, but dad even played with me."

"We would see a film every Friday night, and he would buy sweets before picking me up from school. Though then one day he forgot, dad only first remembered when we were about to pick it. So he went down to buy some sweets while I was supposed to pick a film."

He didn't cry or anything, but his voice was sad.

"I waited, and waited, and waited, but he didn't come. I was scared and when the policeman came, I didn't know what to do. Dad had told me to not open the door to strangers. He didn't have any siblings or parents, so the police contacted my teacher so I would open the door for her, and then they brought me to the orphanage."

A few tears escaped his eyes and I quickly wiped them away with my thumb.

"He sounds amazing" I stated. I hadn't heard a lot about his parents, but Salvatore still sounds so much kinder than them.

"He was" Sirius' eyes were still red, yet he smiled slightly.

I smiled back at him. "I didn't know you had a brother" I finally said. The question had been nagging me throughout the whole story.

"His name is Regulus. Dad tried to get him away too, but mother and father hadn't hurt him like me, therefore they managed to keep him. They always liked Reggie more because I wasn't always a good kid. I miss him all the time."

I stroked Sirius gently on his cheek and kissed his lips. There was one thing I wanted to promise but was unable to. It would make Sirius happy if I found his brother, but I can't promise anything I can't hold. It wouldn't be good if I got his hopes up and then wasn't able to help anyway.

Sirius leaned against me again. Nothing could make me happier.

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 **To I Am Pi: Danish is my first language while English is second. Thanks for the review :D**

 **To Dumb Dreamer: Here is your Reggie finally**

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 **Remember to review pleaaaaase! I love reviews!**


	35. When we waved

To think someone is more perfect than him is outrageous.

"Sirius has a brother" I stated catching both James' and Peters attention in the process.

We were sitting in James' bedroom the week after Sirius had opened up to me about his dad. Lily wasn't with us as she didn't know about his past, and Sirius hadn't told she could know. It's fair enough seeing as he hasn't met her.

I wanted to talk with them about it earlier but wasn't sure if Sirius would be okay with it, on the other hand, he might not even care if we manage to find his brother.

"What's his name?" James immediately asked.

"Regulus Black. He let it slip when he told me about Salvatore last week."

"It sounds familiar" Peter stated thoughtfully.

"Remember what we found on the internet about the scandal with a Black family?" I asked and both of them nodded. We had found it when we were searching for Sirius, we just didn't think it was him seeing as they live far from here and because the family is rich. Sirius didn't exactly seem rich. "I think that Sirius was part of that family, and if we can find the article again, maybe we will be able to find Regulus."

James opened his laptop and Peter took out his phone.

"Do you know anything else about his brother?"

I shook my head. "I was thinking of asking Angeline if she knows anything. He has known her for a very long time, so I think she knows at least something."

"If she knows something, don't you think she would have found him already?" Peter asked though I was prepared for the question.

"I wanna know what he looks like, what things he likes and such. I can't ask Sirius because it would seem suspicious, I don't want him to know we are looking. It would get his hopes up, and if we don't find him, he will just come down again."

We were silently looking for the article and other information, I checked every social media, but couldn't find anything. It seemed just as impossible as finding Sirius.

Out of sudden James said something.

"You are a great boyfriend."

I smiled. "I just want him to be happy."

…

"Hey, Angeline can we talk?"

I was sitting in the waiting area and she had just come towards me. I hate that the bus doesn't like me, and I therefore always have to wait here for a half hour, but it's worth it for Sirius.

"Sure." We began walking.

"He told me he has a brother, and I was thinking if you know anything about him. Maybe where they used to live as kids or something." She raised her eyebrow at me. "I was just thinking it would make him happy if we could find Regulus. I haven't told or promised him anything don't worry!" I quickly added the last part when she looked worried.

Angeline sighed. "I don't know their last address, I didn't meet Sirius until he began living with Salvatore, he wasn't much for talking about his old house and Salvatore didn't want to reveal where it was."

"But hasn't Sirius told you about him? Maybe things they used to do together, what things he likes or what he looks like" I pressed. She was the only person who could help me, the one person who knew about his past.

She sent me a careful glance. "They look a lot alike, but Sirius has always said he was more handsome. Regulus always dreamt of travelling the world, that's all I know."

I nodded and swallowed my disappointment. I had really hoped she knew something more, it seems that I have to ask Sirius if I want to know his old address. That could easily turn into a problem.

…

The whole past week Sirius looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack right before he saw me, then he looked relieved and smiled when he saw I wasn't gone. It hurts that he is so afraid all the time. I'm so stupid for being late, he wasn't so scared before.

Though today was different. He didn't look nervous, he didn't look relieved, he only smiled. I quickly joined him on his bed and kissed his lips. Sirius smiled when we broke apart.

"Someone is happy today" I stated. By the way, we were holding hands.

"You know yesterday when we were sitting by the window, right?" He gestured and I nodded. "Well…" he dragged me up there and we looked out, the view was of the parking lot. "…when you left, I stayed here, and I saw you by that street light. So I tried to look out today, and I saw you like a half hour ago."

I smiled and pulled him in for a hug, it's amazing that I can do that an he is completely okay with it.

"I wish I had known, then I would have waved" I mumbled into his ear.

He grinned. "You can just do it on your way out."

"How will I know which room yours is?" I dragged him towards the bed, and we laid down facing each other. He moved closer to me, I beamed and boldly wrapped my arms around him. He moved his arms around me too, and his cute little hands were holding my back.

"If you stand under the street light, I can see you, then I'll blink with the lights here, and you'll know."

We both moved closer to each other and somehow his head landed on my chest. I'm just about a hundred per cent sure he could hear my heart beating, and it must have been fast because his head was on my chest. Have I ever told how much I just _love_ being with him?

"I never thought I could be this happy" he mumbled quietly.

"I knew" I replied whispering.

"I'm so glad you kept, and kept, and kept insisting on being friends with me, even though at the time it was awful" he let out a nervous laugh. I gently kissed his head.

"I'm sorry I was such an idiot back then-"

"Stop!" Sirius turned to look at me. "I'm saying I'm happy about it."

My lips found his. They were so soft and wonderful. There is no other place in the entire world I would rather be than next to him. It feels so perfect, it feels right.

…

It was extremely cold and small raindrops landed on me, but I couldn't go before waving to Sirius. I ran towards the street lamp with my hands in my pockets, perhaps I should have brought gloves and a warmer jumper.

Finally I was under the light and glanced towards the hospital, in one of these rooms Sirius was staring down at me. It was actually kind of exciting that he could see me, and I couldn't see him. Only a few moments later one of the rooms had lights that repeatedly turned on and off.

I stared transfixed at the window until I saw a little figure staring down at me.

It certainly didn't look like Sirius at all, I couldn't see anything, to be honest, only the little outline that was his arm waving at me. I lifted my own arm and waved as well.

We waved for a few seconds before I decided it was enough and turned around, yet I couldn't help but turn around and wave just one last time.

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	36. When we cuddled

His eyes are like a dream.

I can't believe it.

I _refuse_ to believe it. Why is it happening to me? Of all the people I could have been paired up with, it _had_ to be Dorcas Meadows. The one girl who never has time for anything. It's just that this presentation is super important, and we have very little time to do it.

Sirius will understand, but will he be okay? It's only one time and I'll tell him, he will know and then surely it should be alright. Perhaps if I can call him? Yes! That sounds great. I'll tell him today, and I'll call him tomorrow, so he won't have to worry.

The problem is that Dorcas never has time, and then one of the few times she actually has time, it's, of course, the day I have to visit Sirius. Shrew that. I have to visit him every day, but still, we could have been doing it both Saturday and Sunday before I was supposed to meet him. Instead we take Wednesday and Saturday.

It's a mess and I don't know how he will respond to it. He will either be totally okay or have a panic attack again, I really hope for the first option.

Though it's hard to tell him. We were laying on his bed, my arms around him (we were cuddling. Like actual cuddling! LIKE REAL LIFE CUDDLING!) and he played with my hands. I'm the big spoon and he is the cute, little, adorable spoon.

Sirius took my hand and held it on his chin, I smiled and gently stroked. He removed it again and hugged it tightly.

"Really like my hands, huh?" I teased.

"They are just so big, and I feel so protected when you hold them around me." I held my other arm a little tighter around him.

"What else do you like?" I mumbled.

"Fishing for compliments, are we?" he teased, and I laughed gently. "I like your eyes… but I really like to see you with Prongs and Wormtail, you used to be so different around them than me. When I first met you, I wanted to puke, you were so fake, and smiling all the time, you seemed so perfect and it was sickening. But when you were upset because you thought they wouldn't be your friends anymore, or when you were nervous because of the kissing thing, it showed a whole other side to you. That is the side I fell in love with."

I hadn't expected that and was speechless. My face turned red and I was happy he couldn't see me.

"Are you in love with me?" I was afraid he would deny it or freak out.

"I-I… I mean" Sirius took a deep breath. "I-Is it okay?"

I pulled him even closer than he was before. "It is so okay!" I mumbled and felt my face turn warmer again. "If it's okay that I might be in love with you too…"

He took my hand and kissed my fingers. "So okay."

"Is it now I tell what I like about you?"

Sirius laughed. "Yeah."

Suddenly his whole body turned ice cold.

"Sirius?" He didn't answer, but he began shaking and I hoped the thing I thought was happening wasn't happening. Unwillingly I let go of my tight grip around him to look at him. His face was paler than usual and his eyes blank.

I tried to call his name again, but it didn't work. It was awful to just look at him like this, and knowing I was the reason he had started getting panic attacks didn't make anything much better.

"Sirius. Sirius, please. It's okay! It's okay, I'm here. Remus is here" I was sure to utter the words gently. I had no idea if it would work, but it worked last time, so maybe. He curled up into a tiny ball. "Sirius everything is okay, it's okay. You are here, I'm here, it's okay."

Sirius shut his eyes, nodded rapidly and turned around, he lifted his arm as to invite me in and we quickly wrapped our arms around each other and pulled closer. I could feel his heavy breaths on my bare neck.

"I'm okay" he repeated and nodded again. Sirius was still shaking, but it became less as we were just laying there. I bet this isn't exactly the time to tell him I won't come tomorrow. The thing is that I have to tell him soon so can enjoy this time with me, and know he won't see me before two days.

"Sure?" I checked. Perhaps it would be a good idea if I learned some more about panic attacks. My fingers found their way to his hair and played gently with it, I wished the hospital didn't have their strict rules about hair.

Sirius nodded again. "You are here, so everything is." I could feel the heat from his face on my skin, it made me blush as well. "You were saying…?"

I took a deep breath. "I like the way you stick your tongue out when you concentrate, the way you smile whenever you got something right in math. Especially the way you can look at something as simple as trees -that most people take for granted- and make them seem like the most beautiful thing in the whole wide world." And particularly when it has been so mean to you. "I like how adorable you look just about all the time."

Sirius snorted, but I'm pretty sure he also smiled. "I'm handsome, you are the cute one."

"I'm not cute" I mumbled only slightly offended.

"Yes you are with your adorable cardigans and small freckles!"

"I'm not cute" I repeated yet was secretly happy that he thought so. Everyone has always called me girly for wearing cardigans, one of the reasons I lean more towards jumpers, but nothing is as great as cardigans.

Sirius laughed and moved upwards to kiss my lips, we were now facing each other, and our legs intertwined. How do I tell him I won't come tomorrow without giving him a panic attack? Can I even give him a panic attack by saying something?

Our eyes were locked.

"You know, there's lots of homework in school, we actually have a presentation coming up that we have to do in pairs…" How can I possible concentrate when he is looking at me like that? "What I'm trying to say is… it's pretty important and I have to prepare, and Dorcas Meadows only have time tomorrow, so I can't come here."

Sirius stared at me.

"Oh."

"And on Saturday, but it will be before I come here, so don't worry. I tried to find another day, but she doesn't have time." Sirius wasn't looking into my eyes anymore, not even at my lips, he just stared down. It honestly hurts. He retreated his arms and made those little circles on his hand.

"You know I would come if I could" I continued.

"I know" he whispered. "I just… I guess I didn't realize you also have a life outside of the hospital. You have school, friends, and family, it's not fair that you feel like you have to be here every day-"

"I _want_ to be here Sirius, you are worth it. I don't care where you are, I'll come for you, okay? It's not like I feel I have to be here, I want to be here! I just don't want you to be upset."

As I spoke Sirius curled into himself - and away from me. I don't think it was intentional, but it hurt so badly to see him like this. I reached for him, stroked his hair behind his ear, lifted his chin and kissed his lips softly.

"Please don't to that" I whispered.

"Sorry" he whispered back.

"I thought I could call you tomorrow, so we can talk for a bit. How does that sound?"

"Good" he nodded. "But, uhh… this Dorcas? Is she uhh… how is she?"

"Why? You jealous?" I teased. The blush on his face revealed him and I couldn't hold back a laugh. "Oh God Sirius she's gay." Her and Marlene came out not long ago as a couple. I kind of want to come out too because they received positive response from most other students, but I don't want to if Sirius doesn't want to.

"I couldn't know that" he replied and crossed his arms. My laugh faded and I kissed his lips gently. "What about you? Plain homo or bi, pan, ace, other stuff? Not that I mind if you are anything but gay" he quickly added the last sentence.

"Siriussexual" I replied, and he rolled his eyes, yet still grinned. Adorable. "Plain homo."

"Me too" Sirius smiled.

"Are you also Siriussexual?" I wore a fake shocked expression.

He laughed and shook his head. "Plain homo. Gay… for you."

"I'm gay for you too" I mumbled and pressed my lips against his.

Sirius happily returned my kiss, not long after he had his arms around me, and our legs were intertwined again. It's really a shame any kind of sexual things aren't allowed at the hospital because otherwise, our clothes would be other places now.

"What you gonna do tomorrow without me?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know, probably gonna paint or something… I'll miss you" he stared right into my eyes.

"I'll miss you too."

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 **I wanna cuddle too.**

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	37. When I was away

He's the cutest.

I can't believe I'm not gonna see Sirius today. Something inside of me craved to act like I was sick so I could still visit him, but it would be better if I didn't. He didn't expect to see me today, and if I did come, I just had to stay away another day.

At least I get to call him at five.

Dorcas and I were walking towards her place, it was snowing and freezing. Though all I could think about was Sirius. Had he ever played in snow before? He should have done it with Salvatore - they had a year together - but was that the only time? Did he play in the snow with Dennis?

Suddenly I didn't feel so cold anymore, the thought of Sirius and Dennis playing in the snow made me jealous. I bet they had snowball fights that ended with the one tackling the other and them kissing in the cold snow…

Stop!

I'm with Sirius now, Dennis had his chance and he missed it. Dennis is not a good person, and there is a reason they are no longer together. Sirius wants to be with me, not him. I can totally have snowball fights with Sirius and snog him in the snow.

We finally reached Dorcas' house and went towards her room to start the project, we both just wanted to finish it as quickly as possible. I bet she would rather hang out with a certain miss Marlene McKinnon the same way I would rather hang out with a certain Mr Sirius Black.

There wasn't much conversation because neither of us knew what to say. Not before we both opened our computers.

"We better start" Dorcas broke the ice.

"Yeah."

…

I couldn't keep my eyes away from the clock on my computer. The project was luckily going smoothly which meant we would be finished soon. It hurt when the clock showed four, I would usually be with Sirius by now. If there had been a clock in his room, I'm sure he would be really sad right now.

The hour from four to five went by way too slowly. It was hard to concentrate on the project, but I did manage just a tiny little bit.

Finally it was one minute before five.

"Shouldn't we take a break?" I offered. It wasn't only me who seemed distracted.

"Yeah" she tried to sound bored, but I could hear the eagerness in her voice.

We both quickly found our phones and called two different people who meant much to us. I bit my lip as I waited for Angeline to pick it up.

" _Hi, Remus_ " she finally greeted.

"Hi-"

" _Can you hold on a moment? I'm in his room in a few seconds._ "

Angeline didn't wait for me to answer, but I could hear her quick steps, so she probably hurried towards his room. I heard a door open and a few seconds later Sirius spoke into the phone.

" _Hi._ " He sounded happy. Is it a bad thing that I feel weird about this? Am I a bad person for wanting him to feel sad because I'm not there?

"Hi" I couldn't hold back a smile. "How are you doing?"

" _Good, but I miss you_ " he is probably blushing and biting his lip.

"I miss you too, but I will come to visit you tomorrow." I send a glance to Dorcas who blushed and smiled at her phone. "What are you doing right now?"

" _Talking to you_ " he replied sheepishly.

I rolled my eyes. "What did you do before talking to me?"

" _I'm drawing._ "

"What are you drawing? What is the story behind it?" I smiled again. I can't wait to see it tomorrow, and I'm really glad he can use the pens I gave him.

" _Two wolves from different galaxies. They both have to stay on their own planets, but visit each other once every hundred years and have the most amazing day together_."

"I can't wait to see it, will it be finished by tomorrow?"

" _It will… but you can't see it_ " I could almost hear the smirk.

I frowned. "Why not?"

" _Well… seeing as I'm a_ totally _famous artist, and you are going to my art gallery, it's only fair that you pay…_ "

I laughed. "What are the payment methods?"

" _Oh I don't know…"_ he replied innocently. " _I'm thinking some kisses… some touching, just until I say it's enough._ "

Shit. I'm turned on now. Who should have thought that Sirius admitting he wants me to _touch_ him would make me hard? I can feel I'm blushing hard and with Dorcas in the room, it just makes everything more awkward… and kind of exciting.

"I think we can figure something out" I replied and tried to remove the need from my voice. Sirius laughed and I knew it didn't work.

" _Am I making you hard_?" he asked shyly.

"Maybe…"

Sirius grinned. " _That's adorable."_

"You are the adorable one" I mumbled. His words only made me harder.

" _I thought we had established it already. I'm handsome and you're adorable._ "

"It's very hard to disagree" I replied. "I think you are both handsome and adorable."

" _Then you are… cute and adorable_." Sirius laughed when I snorted.

"Can't I at least get _one_ manly adjective?"

There was a slight pause from the other end of the line. I wasn't sure what had happened, and I was about to call his name (or nickname as Dorcas was in the room) when he whispered something.

" _Beautiful._ "

My face turned red, Sirius thought I was beautiful? Even with my shaggy looks and freckles? No one has ever used a word like that to describe me. It's usually something you call girls, but it feels so amazing.

" _Remus?_ " came the nervous question.

"Yeah I… do you really think I'm beautiful?" my voice was hopeful. It would suck if he didn't mean it, but I thought he did mean it. He had sounded so sincere saying it.

" _Yeah… I have never met anyone more beautiful than you._ "

I blushed even harder and was afraid to speak as I would probably stutter and make a fool of myself. Sirius really believes I'm beautiful. He actually thinks I'm beautiful.

Suddenly he began laughing at the other end. " _Jesus Moony I can actually_ hear _you blush._ "

"It's not fair!" I mumbled. "You caught me off guard."

" _I wish I could see your face right now, you are probably extremely adorable._ "

"Yeah…"

We both knew what was about to happen and therefore stayed quiet. I had to come back to work on the project, but it was so nice talking with Sirius (although I would have preferred seeing him in real life).

"Well I gotta-"

" _Yeah._ "

"See you tomorrow."

" _See you._ "

I hung up and felt like a little part of myself die with it. Dorcas also ended her call and we awkwardly sat there. Both of us would rather be with the persons we had called, and it felt bad to end the call.

It was Dorcas who broke the ice again.

"Got a special someone too?" she smirked.

I huffed and shook my head. She can't know about Sirius and I. When he comes back and if he doesn't want us to be public, it won't be good if everyone already knows about it.

Dorcas let the subject go, but a little smirk played on her lips.

I can't wait to see Sirius again.

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	38. When I loved hm

The fairest of them all.

I can't believe Sirius wants me to touch him, like touch him touch him. Though I actually don't know if he wants me to touch him the usual way, or under his clothes.

Oh god, what if he wants me to touch him under his clothes?

Does he?

It sounds like it, but what does he expect? I haven't ever touched anyone that way. Is it the same way as when I touch him with clothes?

What if he wants me to touch more?

It's too much to think about, so many things could go wrong. I'm probably overreacting though, he'll help me through it, right? He will! He helped me through the kissing thing, so surely, he will help me through this too.

Oh no, what if he wants me to touch more without hands? What if he wants to touch me without hands? It's bad enough if he wants to touch me with hands. I don't know if I'm ready. On the other hand, it probably feels great…

"Remus? EARTH CALLS REMUS!"

Peter snapped his fingers in front of my face, and I snapped out of the daze I had been in.

"What has Padfoot done now?"

I blushed. "What makes you think I think of him?" My voice wasn't very convincing.

Peter rolled his eyes. "Please! Your hard member tells everything" he chuckled, and I blushed even more.

"He said he wanted me to touch him until he said it was enough" I mumbled. Peter's silly expression turned into a serious one.

"And…?"

"And I'm nervous."

"Don't be" James quickly calmed. "He helped you through the kissing thing, then surely he will help you now."

"I know. _I know I know I know_ " I sighed. "Is it a bad that I hate he knows all of these things and I don't? Because it means he has done it with Dennis, and I hate the thought."

"It's alright" Peter calmed, and it surprised me, it's usually Jam who calms me. "It's normal to be jealous at someone's ex. It's not like he talks about Dennis, is it?"

I shook my head.

"Then he likes you better" Peter started happily, but it didn't calm my nerves completely.

"What if he compares me to Dennis?!" The book both Sirius and I had read (What If It's Us) contained two guys named Ben and Arthur. Ben keeps comparing Arthur to his ex-boyfriend (Hudson), what if Sirius does that too?

"Okay then let's compare you guys" James stated excitedly and counted on his fingers. "Dennis is an idiot, you're not. He broke Padfoot's heart, you didn't. He called him a freak and made him feel bad, you didn't… intentionally. See? You're much better than him."

I didn't look convinced, so Peter spoke up.

"Look, Remus, Dennis missed his chance-"

"I know."

"Then you would also know that he is nothing compared to you." Peter and James both had their hands clapped together and looked at me seriously. "Sirius choose to be with you because he doesn't like Dennis anymore."

"And Sirius doesn't care if you are bad. Didn't you tell he thought it was adorable or something last time?" James continued

"Yes, but-"

"Then stop worrying. It's gonna work out, one way or another."

I took a deep breath and smiled at them. Of course it's gonna be alright.

…

Sirius looked nervous and I took it as a great sign, if he is nervous then I'm not the only one. This is gonna be great.

He didn't greet me on my way towards him, so I had to walk all the way towards him. I kissed his lips softly, my heart pounded at the thought of what was about to happen.

"Hi handsome" I greeted. It seemed as if he liked the nickname because he grinned.

"Hi beautiful," he said in a seducing tone. I blushed at both the nickname and the tone.

"How does this art thing work?" I tried to make my tone just as seducing as his, but I don't know if it worked. "Do I pay at first or only if I find something I want?"

Sirius grinned again. "Both" he whispered.

I impulsively wrapped my arms around him, pulled him as tight as possible and pressed my lips against his. We were close to each other for just a few seconds, but I quickly broke it as it felt wrong.

When we broke apart Sirius stared at me curiously.

"Anything wrong?" he asked.

"No… nothing" I lied. Why did it feel so weird? Is it because I did it wrong? Yeah, that must be it. It does feel a lot better when I did it the other way.

I pressed our lips together again and did the thing Sirius taught me aka to 'eat him'. I didn't even have to imagine he was food to enjoy it. My hands ended under his shirt and touched places, but I found myself unable to enjoy it. Why does it feel weird?

Then it hit me. It's not because of me, it's because of Sirius. I broke the kiss and stared at him.

"Anything wrong?" I checked.

"No… nothing" he lied, and I saw right through it.

"Then why are you all… hesitant? You don't enjoy it, so what's wrong?"

I bit my lip, waited for him to talk and hoped he didn't hesitate because he didn't want to be with me anymore. But he didn't answer me, instead, Sirius looked down, our arms were still around each other.

"Nothing" he finally answered, but he lied again. I could feel it.

I removed his arms from around me and held his hands. "Sirius we are boyfriends, you can tell me anything" I tried to sound as honest as possible, because I am honest. He needs to know that he can come to me.

"I just wanted you to come" Sirius didn't look at me as he whispered it.

"And therefore you promised kissing and touching?" I asked shocked, he nodded, and I lowered my voice.

"Sirius, your personality. I like that. That's why I come. I like you." I had the feeling a stronger word was needed, but I couldn't say it. Not when he was upset.

"But you were late not long ago, you didn't come yesterday and-"

Sirius looked so small, so helpless. It hurt to know I was the reason behind it. Maybe I'm not better than Dennis after all. If I had cared just a little bit more, I wouldn't have forgotten the time, I should have pushed Dorcas to pick another day.

"Stop" I ordered, and Sirius instantly shut his mouth, though it seemed as if it was hard for him to hold it back. I don't want him to cry. "If I didn't like you, I wouldn't come here daily, the day I was late I wouldn't have bothered showing up, I would make up more excuses to not come, but I don't. I come here every day because I care about you."

He was shaking and I quickly pulled him towards me before he could get a panic attack.

"Please Sirius… I don't want to use you or take advantage. Whatever happens, if it happens, will happen because we _both_ want it" I stroked his back gently and he relaxed under my touch. "Please don't think I'm only in this for the snogging, I…"

Sirius waited for me to continue, but I didn't dare to finish the sentence. I didn't mean to say it. When Sirius realized I wouldn't continue the sentence on my own, he got a little out of my grip to look at me. He seemed much more relaxed now than just before, do I really have that effect on him?

"You what?" he asked and made that face which made me want to kiss him. And by that, I mean he was making his normal face.

"I love you."

…

…

…

 **I'm sorry to all of you who expected a smut scene, but I promise it will come once they both are ready.**

 **I got SO MANY reviews since I posted the last chapter. THANK YOU.**

 **Please also tell me what you think of this one :D**


	39. When he loved me

Love isn't even strong enough to describe my feelings.

"What?"

Sirius' mouth was slightly open, and his eyes filled with disbelief. He moved away from me and I regretted my words instantly, even though they were true.

"I-I know it's soon, but I just… whenever I see you, I turn happy, I know we have only known each other a few months, and that we haven't been together for long, but I just… it feels right, you know?"

"Y-You love me?" he whispered.

I bit my lip and was speechless for a few moments. Why did I have to say it? I knew he would freak out about it, but there was no turning back. If I backed out, I would be lying, and I don't wanna do that to him.

I took his hands in mine and he stared at them. What would be the best way to go on with this? How do I tell the truth without having him freak out? I don't think there is a way.

"You don't have to feel the same… but Sirius I love you, is that okay?" I managed to keep my voice steady throughout my little speech. Now I just had to wait for Sirius' reaction.

My stomach did a backflip when he nodded. Not only a second after his face cracked a smile.

"It's okay!" he exclaimed and embraced me suddenly, so I almost feel backwards. "You love me, and it's okay" he began laughing. "Remus. You love me, and I'm okay with it."

It took a few seconds for me before I realized what he meant. Sirius had been surprised he was okay with me loving him. I smiled and he kissed my lips. When we broke apart his face became serious.

"I love you too" he stated and then cracked a smile again. "And that's okay." Sirius threw his arms around me and held tightly. I wrapped my arms around him as well took a moment to save the moment in my mind.

I held a bit tighter when I realized what exactly Sirius had revealed to me. He loved me. Even after all he had been through, he was able to love me.

He ended the hug and we just stared into each other's eyes. His are almost silver and so pretty. I could just stare at them until the day that I die.

The door opened and Sirius smiled widely again.

"Angeline!" he exclaimed eagerly. "Guess what happened!"

I turned around. Sirius was partly sitting in my lap and I had my arms around him. Angeline's glance fell on it for a second and I blushed slightly.

"What?" she asked and appeared just as excited as Sirius.

"Remus loves me" Sirius looked at me, so he didn't notice the way Angeline's smile fell for just a split second before it came back with full force. "And I love him, and it's okay."

"Congratulations Sirius!" she came over and pulled him in for a quick hug. "I'm so happy for you."

Sirius' smile didn't fall even an inch at any second. I wonder how much this actually means to him. It means a lot to me that he loves me, both because it honestly felt amazing to be told, but also because it shows how much he has recovered, he will be out in no time.

"It isn't time to go yet, is it?" Sirius asked suddenly and clung to me.

"Of course not" Angeline shook her head. "I just wanted to hear if you wanted any snacks."

"Chocolate" he replied instantly. He knows me so well.

"Chocolate then" she smiled and left the room.

Sirius' eyes found mine again.

"You love me" he stated with a smile. I wondered why he kept repeating it, maybe he just needs to hear it again?

"I love you."

His smiled turned wider. "You love me, that means you won't leave me."

My smile fell, but he continued.

"My old parents never said it, and they left me. Dad said it, but he didn't mean to leave me, it wasn't his fault. Dennis never said it, and you already know what he did." His smile didn't fell before he noticed my worried expression.

"I love you Sirius" I pressed my lips against his forehead. "And you must promise to stop thinking like that."

"I just-"

"I know, but please stop. I won't leave you ever, okay?"

Sirius bit his lip and looked _super_ adorable, but he also looked super sad. I hate it when he is sad.

"Please say it" I pleaded and didn't care the slightest that my voice was needy. Sirius continued to bite his lip. " _Please_."

"You won't leave me" he stated quietly.

"That's right I won't" I wanted to kiss him, but didn't think he was in the mood for it.

He nodded slowly and neither of us spoke after that. I stroked his back gently with my thumbs, but I also gave him some time to think as he looked like someone who needed that. After a few minutes, his eyes found mine and it left me breathless. I have probably stared into his eyes a hundred times before, but it feels like that every time I do, I discover something new about them.

"Can we spoon?" he whispered.

I responded with laying him down and spooning him just like a couple of days ago. It felt just as amazing as back then.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked.

He huffed. "You already have."

I grinned. "Can I ask you two things then?"

"You already have" he repeated, and I could almost hear his smile. His body relaxed against mine.

"Can I ask four things then?" I laughed.

"Yeah."

I took a deep breath. "Do you ever… like… compare me to Dennis?"

Sirius slowly nodded. "You are a much better kisser than him." I didn't know if he was lying to make me feel better or actually telling the truth, but I blushed anyway. "That's when you learned it that is… or maybe it just feels better to kiss you because I love you" he smiled again.

"What about other stuff? You must have liked him once…"

"I like you more now than I liked him back then, but what other stuff?" Sirius grabbed my hands and gently played with them like last time.

"Like dates and stuff, I know we haven't really been at one before, but, I just. I don't even know" I sighed.

"Well… I liked going on dates with him, and it was fun, but it was always about him. We'd go places he liked because he wanted to show them to be, and the same with films. I asked you to pick a film, but you still let me decide. When we hung out after school you asked me where I wanted to go even though I hadn't really seen any places before."

"But are there things he did better than me?" the question came out before I could stop it.

"He… he was a bit for confident about the whole kissing thing than you, and… more experienced. We sometimes…" Sirius shook his head. "It doesn't matter because I feel much more about you than I ever did with him. I like how sweet and patient you are with me."

Oh god, Sirius had sex with Dennis. I tried to shake the image out of my head. But not only did they have sex, they probably did a bunch of kinky stuff like tying each other to the bed-

"Don't be jealous, Remus. I don't think of him while we do stuff, it's only after, and I try to stop. I love you, and I didn't even consider something like that when I was with him. I love what we have."

I held him tighter.

"Mine."

He tightened his grip on my hand.

"Mine."

"I love you too."

…

"Why did you have to say that?!" Angeline exclaimed as the doors to the lift closed. She hadn't spoken to me when she got us the chocolate or the whole way from his room to the lift.

"What?"

"Why did you have to say you love him?" she whined. "Everything was going so well, and now it's ruined."

"It's not ruined" I stated confused. "Didn't you see how happy he got?"

"He is happy now, but what will happen when he realizes he's even more scared to lose you than before? What will happen when he wakes up in the middle of the night and starts questioning everything?"

I opened and closed my mouth. I hadn't thought of that after he became so happy.

She sighed. "Doesn't matter now, it's too late anyway…"

I felt slightly awkward and extremely stupid.

…

…

…

 **I accidentally wrote the last chapter.**

 **Remember to review and stuff :D**


	40. When I solved it

The way I feel about him.

"Remus? REMUS?!"

I suddenly jumped and stared right into Peter's eyes.

"Good, he's alive" he stated and sat back down.

James, Peter, Lily and I were sitting in the library because our teacher had become ill and the school didn't bother to find a replacement. I was the one who suggested the library because I'm getting quite behind.

"It's not funny" I mumbled and stared down at the book in front of me, how long had I been staring at that page? Had I even been reading anything?

"Now what's the mood for?" James teased and I rolled my eyes.

"Speak up Remy," Peter said.

"I told him yesterday that I love him…"

They all smiled and was probably about to congratulate me, but I cut them off.

"Angeline thinks he will freak out about it, that he won't be able to sleep, and it's my fault."

"You couldn't have known," James said calmly.

"But I should have" I complained. "He's my boyfriend, I should meet his needs. I should solve his problems, not cause them."

"Then solve the problem" Peter stated simply.

I glanced at them and they all had the same look. They are probably right, I should solve the problem, and I can. I just have to figure out how.

"You also have to come out more" James stated casually.

I raised my eyebrow.

He rolled his eyes. "Not that way. There's prom next Friday and you can easily meet with Padfoot before going."

I sighed silently yet nodded. It could be nice with a day out and just have fun with my friends at a party.

…

"Sooo… how is he?" I asked nervously when I stood in front of Angeline.

She bit her lip. "Tired. He had a nightmare… I'm sorry about yesterday too, it's not your fault, and I shouldn't have made it out to be."

I stared shocked her at. Grownups usually don't apologize when they do something wrong, either they ignore it or brush it off.

"It's okay."

She smiled wryly and we continued walking in silence the rest of the way. The familiar sensation of feeling excited to visit him came back to me, I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

…

Sirius had been tired, but otherwise, it had been nice. He clung to me when I first entered, and almost fell asleep in my arms. It was super adorable, yet also sad, but it gave me two ideas. One; he was able to sleep because he was next to me, so I gave him my jumper right before I left.

He had stared intensely at my chest which caused me to blush, and when I called him out on it, he blushed too. When I came back home my mom raised her eyebrow at me and shook her head, but otherwise didn't do anything.

The second idea was a gift I could give him. My mom gave me a little wolf toy when I was younger, it had tawny fur just like me, so perhaps it could remind him of me? Plus, it smelled like me because I had slept with it lots of times.

His nightmare had been about me leaving him as Dennis had. I had to assure him over and over again that I would never do such thing, and that I loved him.

The nightmare gave me an idea for the second part of my gift. I would buy him a dream catcher. His old parents definitely never got him one, I don't know if Salvatore did, but no matter what I thought it could help him.

Therefore I got my mom to drive me to a store _early_ Saturday morning, Dorcas and I were supposed to meet at ten to finish our project, so I had to get it and wrap it before she came.

"So… who's that special someone who can get you up early a Saturday morning?" my mom asked 'casually'. I may have come out a long time ago, but I hadn't really been with anyone before. I have always been afraid they only accepted me because they thought it was a phase.

"No one" _as if_ , "just someone from school," I shrugged.

"It's gonna take more to lie to your mom," she laughed.

I smiled. "Okay, he _is_ someone… we, uhh… are kinda together" I blushed and turned my head.

"It sounds lovely, when are we going to meet him?" She kept a smile on her lips, yet she looked the other way. I hate talking with people who are driving, especially my mom because she refuses to take her eyes off the road even for one second.

"It's… complicated. You know that guy from school who didn't want anyone to know his name?" She nodded. "He is… somewhere, I can't tell where, and he can't leave."

"Is that where you go every day?"

"Uhh-"

"It's alright, I know you have been sneaking around, it doesn't bother me. I knew you weren't doing anything illegal out there" she dared a glance at me.

I laughed. "I didn't do anything illegal. Promise."

"How is he?"

I smiled. "Amazing. He always makes me smile, no matter what. Sometimes I just have to look at him and my whole world turns a bit brighter."

" _Cheesy_ " she coughed.

"Ha ha ha" I rolled my eyes. "I… I kinda love him…"

"You do?"

"Yeah… I just look at him, and I know it. Just like you always say about dad" I glanced at her and she smiled.

She parked in front of the shop and looked at me with a smile on her lips.

"I'm happy for you."

…

The whole project thing with Dorcas went great, we finished it all and even got through it a couple of times, so we are a hundred percent ready, which is great because if we didn't finish I would have to be away from Sirius another whole day.

"What's that?" Angeline asked when we met in the waiting area.

I had put the wolf and the dream catcher in a little box and wrapped it in red wrapping paper with a gold curling ribbon. It matched his duvet and pillow.

"A present. I think I can help him sleep again, and maybe feel better when I'm not here."

She offered me a little smile. I really hope this helps him, if not, then I wouldn't know what to do. But it will. I know him, therefore, I know what I should do to help.

When I entered his room, he was laying on his bed and I would have thought he was asleep if he hadn't been so tense. I quietly put down the present on the bedside table, laid down next to him and put my arms around him. Sirius relaxed visibly and his breathing became easier. He was wearing my jumper.

I wanted to keep laying with him, but I knew he would be devastated if we spent the entire time sleeping. After some time I shook him gently until he stirred.

"I cou ge used to this" Sirius said sleepily when he saw me and then yawned. I smiled at him. Who knew Sirius could be so adorable when waking up, and I could definitely get used to this too.

"I got a present for you" I whispered and kissed his lips gently.

"A present?" He smiled. "You spoil me."

I laughed gently. "Can't help it."

I helped him sit up, but he still needed to lean against me. When Sirius saw the present, he smiled.

"Red and gold" his fingers stroked the duvet. "You're the best." He side hugged me, and I couldn't help but pull him a little bit closer to me.

"Open it" I ordered and hoped he couldn't hear my beating heart.

Sirius carefully removed the curling ribbon and then proceed to unwrap it without even giving the paper a scratch. He put it away and then stared at the box. While biting his lip Sirius opened the box to find the dream catcher, I had bought him.

It had a round base with the different colours of the rainbow, in the middle, there was a pattern that looked a bit like a flower. From the base there hang three small bases all similar to the first one. The two circles the longest away from each other both had rainbow-coloured feathers hanging from them. The middle one had yet another circle like the others and feathers hanging from it too.

I stared at Sirius' expression to see what he thought of it. He picked it up to examine it closer and stroked the feathers gently.

"It's a dream catcher" I explained because the silence became unbearable. "It catches the bad dreams and leaves the good ones for you."

"It does?" Sirius looked at me with an excited grin. "No more nightmares?"

"No more nightmares" I confirmed.

Sirius threw himself at me to hug and kiss me at the same time (but make sure the dream catcher wouldn't get broken first) and I laughed. It's so great to see him so happy.

His face turned serious for a second.

"Do you have one?" he seemed genuinely concerned, I couldn't help but feel a little lighter.

"No, but that's okay. I don't get nightmares as you do…" His face was puzzled (and it looked adorable) but I couldn't wait any longer to know what he thought of the last part if my present. "Now the rest" I ordered.

"There's more?" he smiled and turned back to the box. I had put some newspaper in between. Sirius carefully picked it up, and then the wolf. I don't know why his first reaction was to smell it. "It smells like you" he announced. "And it got the same hair colour as you." Sirius lifted the wolf up next to my hair to compare.

"It's so I'll always be with you," I told and took his hand.

"You are the best! I love you" Sirius blushed yet still looked into my eyes. They are still beautiful.

"I love you too."

Sirius smiled, we both pulled each other into a hug and then kissed.

…

…

…

 **I made the cover because Remus would give the wolf and the dream catcher to Sirius.**

 **Posting is gonna be a bit… njah, the next couple of months because of exams, BUT I get about three weeks extra summer holidays, so I'll write then :D**

 **Remember to review!**


	41. When he was thoughtful

It's his kiss.

When I left the hospital yesterday, I had a pretty good feeling about Sirius. He seemed happy - excited even - and my heart fluttered. If I wasn't mistaken, then I saw a little wolf wave at me along with Sirius in the window. I was so happy he liked it.

Though I still wouldn't know if it actually worked, not until I came to visit him again. I tried to make the day go until I could go meet him, and even though it was only a day, it felt like a year.

All my worries disappeared when I spotted Angeline walking towards me; she had a wide smile on her face.

"Remus, have I ever told you that you're brilliant?"

I blushed slightly.

"He didn't have any problems with sleeping _at all_ last night. He even- wait I'm not supposed to say that," a mysterious smile played on her lips and I sent her a confused look.

"Not supposed to tell me what?"

"He'll tell you," she replied simply. "We better go now."

I tried to make her spit out what had happened to Sirius or what he had done, but she wouldn't let anything slip. It didn't seem that whatever it was, was a bad thing because she still kept that smile on her face.

Angeline opened the door to Sirius' room, but it was shut only a few seconds after from the other side.

"You can't come in right now," Sirius said from behind the door.

"Sirius, you know you aren't allowed to lock me out," she said suddenly very stern and tried to open the door again with no success.

"You can," he hurriedly said, "but Remus can't."

"Oh… oh," realization flushed over her. "Can't you hide it in the closet so we can come in?"

"Two sec."

I tried to catch her glance, but Angeline refused to look at me. What were they keeping from me? A couple of seconds later Sirius opened the door and smiled at me, he took my hands and dragged me inside. I sent another confused look towards Angeline, but she simply smiled smugly and closed the door after us.

Sirius was still smiling at me when I turned around and we sat down on his bed.

"How did you sleep last night?" I asked as the first thing.

"Good, how about you?"

That was unexpected. I hesitated a moment. "I slept fine."

"No nightmares?" he checked.

"One, I think. I don't really remember."

Sirius nodded thoughtfully a moment, then his glance found the closet but quickly switched away again. I took in his expression for a moment. What was in the closet and why couldn't I see it?

"Do you… want to continue working on that thing?" I nodded towards the closet.

His eyes found mine, but then he shook his head. "You can't see it" he explained, but it was obvious to me that he wanted to continue, and if I had to be honest; I wanted to see it.

"You can just blindfold me," I said before I could think and quickly regretted my words. Sirius smirked at me.

"Didn't know you were… kinky," he said in a seductive tone and my head immediately turned red.

"I-I didn't-"

"Shh," he brought his finger to my lips. "If you want me to blindfold you, then I guess I'll have to blindfold you," he teased. My head turned even redder. "Sit with your back to the bed."

Sirius hurried towards the closet while I sat down on the floor. I secretly enjoyed him bossing me around, but I tried not to let it show. It was bad enough that he teased me about the blindfold even though it had been an innocent suggestion. Though I could imagine…

He sat down on the bed behind me, his legs were on both sides of me. My head reached over the top and he began to blindfold me with a shirt. When he was done, I leaned my head back and it bumped into the… uhh, between his legs. My head turned red once more. I wanted to move but his hands held me back.

"You're so beautiful" he whispered and leaned down to kiss my lips. It was a bit clumsy because of the position, but I really liked it.

He moved away from the bed, I raised my head and tried to determine where he was, but just when I thought he was walking towards me, the door to the closet closed. I think he sat down close to me and spread the things he was using out on the floor.

"Where are you?"

"Right here" he reached over and took my hand. I gave it a gentle squeeze before we let go.

That blindfold thing was kind of… interesting. Scary as hell because I never knew where Sirius was or what the sounds were, but it was also kind of exciting because he could do a lot of things and I wouldn't know-

My train of thoughts stopped when Sirius pressed his lips against mine.

"Having dirty thoughts over there?" he whispered.

"N-no," I said unconvincingly.

Laughingly Sirius moved away again. I already missed the closeness.

"How are things going?" he asked then.

"Good, kinda. My project with Dorcas is finished, which is good because otherwise, I would have to stay away from you again, and…" I bit my lip. Ever since James mentioned prom, I couldn't let a thought go.

"And what?"

"There's prom next Friday and well… we are supposed to bring partners, and maybe… maybe you would want to come with me?"

I didn't imagine asking him this way, not at all. If I had my way, I would ask him with firework and flowers in front of the whole school. But that would happen in a parallel world where we wouldn't have to hide. It might not as bad as it was ones, but arseholes will always be there, the thing is that no one hates straight couples.

"Remus, I'm sorry I can't leave the hospital…"

"I know, but… it's just one day, so surely you could…?"

There was a little pause before he spoke again. "If I was doing better, they would let me, but I'm not so I can't. I'm sorry."

"No, I… it doesn't matter, I just thought it was something fun we could to together, but it doesn't matter. I promise." I reached out for him and a few moments later he was in my arms. "It doesn't matter" I repeated.

His fingers gently stroked my hair, and then my ears, but they stopped at my neck. He drew a bunch of little circles right there on my neck.

"You're supposed to bring partners?" he asked while still stroking.

"Yes, but it doesn't matter, I'll just hang out with James, Peter and Lily."

"So, you won't ask anyone else, but someone could still ask you?" he asked. His breath tickled on my skin and by instinct, I leaned my head back to give him more access.

"Technically yes."

His lips moved to my neck. "Lay still" he ordered. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to move out of pure shock and pleasure as he began sucking on my neck. It only lasted a short moment before he pulled away again.

"Now everyone will know you're taken," he said, and I bet he smirked.

My fingers instantly went to where he had been sucking, it had probably left a little mark. I blushed.

"You gave me a hickey?" I couldn't make my voice sound either angry or accusing even though I (the guy who has never dated) would come to school on Monday with a hickey.

"Yeah." His fingers brushed against the mark.

"You marked me" I pointed out. "Like a wolf, does that mean I'm your mate now?"

"Soulmate" he corrected which just caused the blushing to increase. It seemed that I never did anything but blush when I was with him. "I better finish your present" he announced and got out of my embrace.

"Present?"

Sirius didn't answer me, and I waited impatiently for a couple of minutes before he sat down right next to me and put a box in my lap. As the last thing, he took off the blindfold. The box on my lap was the exact one as yesterday.

"Open" he ordered.

I carefully unwrapped it like he had done yesterday too. I stopped breathing when I saw the first thing in the box; a little rainbow-coloured dream catcher with an uneven base and different length of strings with feathers, but it was beautiful.

"You mentioned you didn't have one, so I thought I would make you one" he stated nervously. "I don't know if it will work-"

"I love it, Sirius, I absolutely love it," I pulled him into a side hug and kissed his lips. "I know it's going to work because you made it." Sirius made me a dream catcher because I told him I didn't have one and he didn't want me to have nightmares. Could he _be_ cuter?

Sirius smiled. "There's more."

I turned my attention to the box again and spotted the newspaper from yesterday. Carefully I removed it and saw a pillow beneath. The front of it had a picture of his drawing with the two wolves who snogged.

"I wanted to make you a wolf, like the one you gave me," he glanced quickly at the wolf on his bedside table, "but I couldn't. Angeline told she could make one of my drawings appear on a pillow… do you like it?"

"Like it? Sirius, I love it!" This time I used both of my arms to embrace him. "And I love you" I added when we broke apart.

Sirius grinned softly.

…

…

…

 **There is going to be like four chapters more of this story unless you guys want something to happen before it all ends.**

 **(The first sentence is a reference to a Danish love song).**

 **Leave your thoughts? Thank you :D**


	42. When he made a friend

Forever. Maybe forever.

"Hi Remus, how are- is that a hickey?"

My fingers went to the mark Sirius had left on me just yesterday because he had been jealous. The thought still made me blush. Sirius was jealous that somebody might ask me to prom next Friday because he couldn't come with me, so he made sure everybody would know I was taken.

"Yeah, yeah, big deal James," I quickly said and tried to come up with something to change the subject.

"No way! Our little baby is finally growing up," Peter shed a fake tear.

"It's just a hickey," I whispered, "now will you please shut the fuck up?"

But neither James nor Peter was done teasing me about it. I just knew they would react like this, and if they kept talking loudly about it, the whole school would know by the end of the day.

"It must have been Si-Padfoot," James quickly corrected himself with a careful glance at me. "Who else? Now, what did you do to deserve _that_?" James gestured (very loudly) to the little mark on my neck. I send him an annoyed look.

"I asked him to prom," I told quietly. No one quite knew yet that I was into boys, and I would like to keep it a secret until I had talked with Sirius about coming out.

"And he gave it to show his appreciation?" Peter guessed.

"Can't exactly say that."

"He gave it as a way to say sorry?" James tried.

I shook my head.

"He says he can't leave the hospital - not even for a few hours - otherwise he would come." That's at least how it sounded like… did that mean he wanted to be public about our relationship when he came out?

"What's the hickey for then?"

My cheeks turned red. "He wanted everyone to know I was taken so they wouldn't ask me to prom."

Peter and James both had equally huge grins on their faces. I sped up to get away from them. Honestly, the only thing that happened was that he gave me a hickey; it wasn't a big deal.

"Why aren't you happier?" Peter exclaimed.

"Because you're embarrassing," I hissed with clenched teeth.

"Remus," James said in a comforting tone and put a hand on my shoulder. "Do you not realize what this means?" I shook my head. "It means he likes you. A lot. If he's jealous it means he wants you for himself and that can only be a good sign."

I glanced at Peter who clearly thought the same as James judging by their identical expressions.

"Really?"

They took in my hopeful expression and then nodded.

…

"I've never made a better decision in my entire life than to contact you."

I stared at Angeline with open mouth and a frown. I really hadn't expected her to say that.

"Never mind," she shook her head, "he'll tell you."

I didn't know if this secret keeping was going to be a thing from now on, usually, Angeline would tell me what was going on. On the other hand, yesterday it had been because he had a surprise; did he have another surprise for me?

"Did he sleep well?" I finally asked.

Angeline nodded. "Very."

She opened the door to his room and let me inside, but he wasn't there. See that was unexpected, but surely, he was only in the bathroom to use the toilet or else he was on the shower just waiting for me to come…

I quickly turned around. "Where is he?"

"I'll go get him," she replied mysteriously. "You just wait here." With that said she closed the door and left.

I slowly walked towards the bed, laid down and looked around. The room was still mostly white, but since I came it began to help on it. His duvet was no longer white, instead, it sprawled with colours and really gave some edge to the room, though the colour was slowly fading, and I noted to myself that we might need to colour it again soon.

He let the sun shine into the room instead of drawing the curtains - even though it wasn't really shining right now as it was four in the afternoon and December. The walls used to be so bare, but now he had decorated with some of his drawings, and he even cleaned his desk.

The dream catcher though was the most beautiful thing in there. It reminded me of the one he had given me, and the thought made me smile. I had never expected him to be that way, but he was so much better than I ever imagined.

The wolf was missing though.

The mystery was solved only a few seconds later because Sirius entered the room with the wolf in his hands. Even though Sirius knew I was there, he still smiled when he saw me and hurried the last bit towards the bed to kiss me.

"Hi," I whispered.

He kissed me again. "Hi." His fingers found the little mark and brushed it gently. My prediction had become true; by lunch, the whole school knew about my hickey. More than one person walked past our table multiple times to get a look.

"Where've you been?" I asked knowing he was probably dying to tell me.

And it turned out I was right because the moment I asked him, his eyes began to shine.

"I've made a friend," he announced happily.

"A friend?"

Sirius nodded. "The reason I can't come out is that I'm not… stable enough; they don't think I'm ready. So, I asked Angeline what I should do, and she told me I should get out of my room… I did and I made a friend. His name is Carl."

I couldn't figure out what to say. "Uhh, what's Carl like?"

"He's nice, even showed me a card-game he had invented, but I think he cheated," Sirius nodded thoughtfully. He seemed a little bit disappointed and I realized I should say something about his decision. It must have been hard, though he had managed to do it.

I kissed him. "You're so brave."

A smile was back on his perfect face. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I repeated. "I know it must have been hard for you, how in the world did you gather the courage?"

"With mini-Moony," Sirius announced and lifted the wolf up in front of my eyes. "He was with me the whole time, and it was almost as if you were there too."

I blushed slightly. "Mini-Moony?"

"Obviously," he rolled his eyes. "I couldn't name him Moony because that's your name, so mini-Moony because he's mini you."

I grinned softly when a thought hit me. "Wait, does this mean you can come to prom with me?" I couldn't keep the hopeful tone out of my voice.

He pulled a face. "I'm afraid not… but I thought I would begin now so I won't miss out on anything in the future. So, we can be together every moment of every day," Sirius grabbed my hand and new hope rushed over me.

"We can be together in school, on weekends, we can spend the night together," I stated all the things that come to my mind and Sirius nodded enthusiastically. We would be able to go on dates; I could see him more often. Every moment of every day.

"You're amazing Sirius!" I exclaimed excitedly. All the possibilities played in my mind, I would actually be able to see him more than two hours every day. We could spend whole weekends together at my house and cuddle in our sleep.

"I know," he grinned.

I pressed our foreheads together and kissed his lips gently. Having Sirius close to me and being able to touch him was… perfect. He was perfect.

"Please don't ever forget."

…

…

…

 **There will be four chapters more, but I'm having a bit of a struggle with the next chapter and would LOVE to hear your ideas.**

 **Review!**


	43. When we danced

Dancing with the star.

It was Friday and I so wasn't ready for prom; in fact, I was the opposite of ready for prom. I was unready for prom. So not there. I just wished Sirius could come with me, perhaps if I had asked sooner, then he would have gotten ready sooner and we could have been there together.

But that just causes a bunch of other problems. Firstly, I don't think he was ready earlier. And secondly, people would probably disturb us all night asking where he had been. Thirdly, we would have to come out to the entire school.

I guess it was gonna be fine anyway, I was going with Peter after all and he's nice. Just couldn't help but want more. And by more, I mean Sirius.

"Why that long face?"

I looked up and spotted Angeline in front of me. Immediately, I raised myself and prepared to walk towards Sirius' room. My long face quickly disappeared when I realized I would see him soon.

"How are things going with Carl?"

I had been waiting in his room for him every day ever since he became friends with Carl, and every day he would tell me stories of the things they did together. I was only slightly jealous that Carl got to spend more time with him than me. Sometimes it was nice to know the stuff from Angeline's point of view because Sirius didn't always want to tell me everything. I could easily imagine him lying about it to make me happy.

"It's going really great," she told and I sighed relieved. "They had lunch together today. He's doing so great and if it keeps going like this, he will be out in no time." I smiled at that. All the thoughts of spending forever with him came back to me.

When we reached his room, she knocked but didn't open the door, instead, she turned around and examined my face. Angeline reached for my hair to fix it a bit, but I quickly flapped her hand away and ran my hands through it; probably only messing it more up in the process.

"What was that for?" I crossed my arms.

"Don't you wanna look nice for your boyfriend?" But before I could answer Angeline had opened the door.

My eyes immediately found the bed, but he wasn't there just like all the other days. The curtains were drawn, and the light turned off, but fairy lights filled the room. They decorated the bed, and many more were hanging from the ceiling. I only faintly heard the piano playing and the lyrics to some song.

 _Heart beats fast_.

Sirius stood on the middle of the room shifting his weigh from the one foot to the other. His hair was loose, and he was wearing a tie, but otherwise, he was wearing his normal clothes. The fairy lights sparkled in his eyes as he observed me while biting his lip.

 _How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?_

Angeline pushed me forward. I vaguely sensed the door closing behind me. My eyes were only on Sirius and I couldn't remove them.

He walked towards me with hesitant steps, put an already-tied tie around my neck, and tightened it slowly while looking into my eyes. My knees almost gave up under me.

 _I have died every day waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you._

His hand found mine and he brought it to his lips.

"Care to join me for this dance?"

I nodded as I didn't trust my own voice at that moment. Sirius pulled me into the middle of the room. My eyes were locked with his. He placed his hand on my back and I put mine on top of his arm. He took my other hand with his and lifted it up. Slowly, we began dancing from side to side with small steps.

We were so close that I could smell his hair. I couldn't believe he did this for me.

Sirius tip-toed and stretched his arm to make me swing. Honestly, I felt like a princess and he was my Prince Charming. My very handsome Prince Charming. I lead the dance for a few moments then swung him around as well. He swung his arms around my neck and then we just swayed to the music.

 _I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love for a thousand more._

I memorised the way his arms felt around me and how his scent made my heart beat faster. This was so much better than any school dance could ever be because it was only us. We were all alone and nothing could be more perfect.

The song slowly faded away and left silence behind, but we kept our arms around each other.

"I'm sorry I can't come," he whispered finally and tightened his grip.

"I don't care Sirius; this is so much better and way more perfect than anything else in the entire world. There's nowhere I would rather be than right here with you." I leaned down to catch his lips with mine. They were sweet. "I love this, I can't believe you would do something like this for me."

"You're worth every bit of it because I love you."

I swear my heart exploded.

"I love it when you say that. I love you too." I found his lips again and enjoyed the way my whole body got warmer.

"I love when you say, that you love me too," he only managed to get one sentence out before kissing me again, only to break it and utter another one, "because that means I said that I love you, and that means we both love each other."

"It does," I whispered and smiled.

"Forever."

"For a thousand years, and then a thousand more."

Sirius laughed softly.

"A thousand infinities."

…

The party at the school wasn't nearly as great as the one Sirius had held. His party also had an unfair advantage; him. I sat around a table with James, Lily, Peter, Marlene and Dorcas. They all chatted but my thoughts were on Sirius.

James leaned towards me. "Missing someone?"

I simply nodded and imagined how it would be to have him by my side. He would probably hold my hand while chatting with the others when he wasn't talking to me. He would kiss my hand like he did earlier today and ask me to dance.

"He'll be out soon. I can feel it."

I smiled as I always did when I thought of it.

The song changed and Lily insisted that James joined her on the dance floor. Peter disappeared with some girl who had been sending him looks all night. He hadn't come out as asexual, but the whole school had noticed how he only went on romantic dates with no sex and maybe a kiss at the end. Dorcas excused herself to the restroom and Marlene's low gaze followed her out.

Marlene and I sat awkwardly for a few moments. We hadn't really talked before; the only reason right now was because she was Lily's friend.

I moved closer to her.

"Have you and Dorcas faced any kind of homophobia since you came out?"

Marlene sent me a surprised look and took a few moments to answer. I had neither seen nor heard about anything of the kind, but something could have happened. The reason Sirius changed schools last time was that Dennis outed him, and the school didn't take well on homosexuality. So, I just wanted to know if it was safe.

"Not much," she finally answered. "There's always some idiots, but the worst they have done is whispering slurs, but if a teacher overhears, they get detention, and some other students have defended us. Why? Are you gay?"

My hesitation answered her.

"Oh my god, you are!" She seemed excited and I quickly shushed her. "Do you have a boyfriend? Is it Peter?"

"What? No, Peter like girls-"

"But do you have a boyfriend?"

"Yes, I have, but please be quiet." I looked around and was relieved to spot most of the students either on the dance floor or too far away to hear. "I'm not sure how he feels about coming out, and I thought that if you had received a positive response then he would be more likely to."

She nodded thoughtfully.

"I know how you feel, both Dorcas and I were terrified, but we didn't want to hide it either. We finally came out and I'm so glad we did."

"I don't want to hide it either," I sighed. "But he's sensitive to homophobia and I would _never_ put him through it."

She smiled. "You're a good guy Remus. You both have nothing to worry about, our school is very accepting and we're really lucky about that… but who is your boyfriend then?"

"If I tell you, it would out him," I reasoned.

"To a fellow queer. But think about the double dates we could have. We could act like we were on a straight double-date and then there would be zero homophobia."

I frowned but then nodded. That would actually be cool, but not before we had come out.

"I'll ask him."

Before Marlene could answer Dorcas came and dragged her to the dance floor because 'their song' came on. I observed them and wished more than anything that I had Sirius with me right now.

…

…

…

 **I** _ **really need**_ **your help with the next chapter.**

 **Please leave your thoughts to me!**


	44. When I met Carl

As hit by lightning, every time he looks at me.

"Do you have any news on his brother?"

"His name is Regulus Arcturus Black. I think their parents' names were Walburga and Orion Black, but nothing more, sorry."

When Sirius mentioned we would spend every day together once he got out, it reminded me of his brother, because I would like to find Regulus before that happened. I knew without a doubt that Regulus would make Sirius happy by just being there.

I tried to not look too disappointed. "It's alright James, we just have to keep looking."

"We just have to search for them. Peter, you'll search for Walburga Black, Remus you'll take Orion Black, and I'll go look for more stuff on Regulus. Maybe we can find a family tree or something to see if Sirius has a family member who knows something about Regulus."

"Have you found out anything about someone who might be related?" Peter took out his computer.

James shook his head. "Not yet."

I frowned. "Isn't it weird that we can't find anything about them?"

Peter shrugged his shoulders, but James answered. "A bit, but perhaps they don't want to be found. They don't exactly sound like the nicest people judging by what you told us they did to Sirius."

"They sound like the most horrible people on earth," Peter agreed.

I nodded. _They hit him, slapped him, starved him, everything you can think of._

"I can't imagine what it must have been like for him," I felt nauseous simply by the thought.

"It can't all have been bad," James said suddenly. "Regulus was good for him, so surely there should be someone else too. Remus, can you ask him? Just casually ask him if he liked other family members or something."

I nodded again. "I'll try."

…

When I entered Sirius' room he wasn't alone. He sat crossed legged on his bed with some cards in his hands, both he and the other guy turned around when they saw me. Sirius smiled; he left the bed to greet me with a hug but didn't kiss me.

"Carl, this is my _friend_ Remus. Remus this is my friend Carl."

I offered my hand to Carl who immediately gave it but swung his hand around mine before shaking it. He had dark brown spiky hair, a long nose and big hands. Almost bigger than mine. He looked about twenty. His arms looked like spaghetti, but by the way he smiled, he seemed pretty nice.

"It's nice to meet you, Carl, Sirius has told me lots about you."

"He has told me a lot about you too, honestly he doesn't speak of anything else," Carl rolled his eyes and I laughed. Sirius and I were very similar on that area apparently. Some of the jealousy left my body when I took a deep breath.

Sirius blushed. "I _do_ speak of other things than Moony," he crossed his arms.

My gaze locked with Carl's. "He doesn't," he mouthed, and I laughed again.

Sirius playfully slapped my arm. "I didn't introduce you two just so you could gang up on me. It's not fair," he pouted, and I wanted to kiss him but didn't know if Carl knew about us or not.

"It's alright," I poked his stomach, "you're also all I ever talk about. Just ask James and Peter."

Sirius grinned and both of our faces turned red.

"I think I'm gonna leave you two lovebirds alone," Carl announced and got up from the bed. "I'll see you later Sirius, it was nice finally meeting you, Remus. When both he and I get out, we should all try and hang out."

"I would like that," I replied honestly. Anyone who made Sirius happy was worth getting to know. I also got a good impression of him; he kind of sent off a good vibe.

Angeline who had been waiting in the door followed Carl to his own room. I looked back at Sirius who was smiling. He had probably been worried I wouldn't like Carl, but he seemed really nice. I walked towards Sirius and kissed his lips.

He pointed at the bed. "Sit!"

I raised my eyebrow yet did as he told me. I still liked when he ordered me around, and quite frankly, I couldn't ignore a direct order from him. Sirius sat on top of me and pulled my arms around him.

"I missed you," he mumbled.

"Missed you too."

I undid his braid and ran my fingers through his hair. Twirled and untwirled again. My other arm was still around his waist. He was warm against my body, I relaxed and enjoyed.

"So how was your day with Carl?" I kissed his scalp, used both arms to pull him closer and rested my head on his. "Did he cheat in any card games today?"

Sirius laughed softly. "I showed him a new game today, but I didn't cheat because I don't like it. I also told him that and now he doesn't cheat anymore."

"That's nice," I mumbled. A question had bothered me for a little while, but I didn't know how to ask without sounding rude. "Do you know… why he's here?"

He shifted. "I'm not entirely sure, but I think he has some kind of personality disorder or something… sometimes he really freaks out and it's kind of scary, but the staff knows how to calm him down and then he apologizes. He's not here all the time though, only a few months every year when everything gets too stressful."

"That's nice for him."

Sirius turned around so he rested his head on my shoulder and buried his nose in my neck. Have I ever mentioned how adorable he is?

"Everyone in here is always so nice and accepting, that makes going out of my room so much easier… will you help me when I get out in the real world?" Sirius turned his head and his eyes were wide. I smiled warmly.

"That's a really stupid question because _of course,_ I'll be there with you. All the time." I took his hand in mine which caused him to smile.

"There's something-"

"I have some-"

We both stopped to let the other finish, and then just stared at each other for a few seconds. I caught his lips with mine.

"You start," I kissed his nose.

"No, you start."

"Okay then… uhh, there's something I have been meaning to ask you… before you moved in with Salvatore did you like other people besides your brother?"

His mood darkened instantly, I almost regretted asking but then reminded myself that he could get his brother back. Sirius went back to his old habit with drawing circles on the back his hand.

"I guess that would be my uncle Alphard… why?"

I hugged and kissed him. "I just don't like the thought of you being there, and well, if you had more than one person you cared about, then…" I struggled to find the right word. "I don't even know what."

He paused a few moments "Well he was nice. He always brought me sweets and told me stories from his travels around the world. I always dreamt of going with him."

"That sounds nice…" I held a little pause, "do you know where he is today?"

"No." He shook his head. "I lost touch with all my family members, also Andromeda."

"Who's Andromeda?"

"My cousin, or well, the cousin I like, but… can we talk about something else now?"

"Of course!" I stroked his hair behind his ears. The whole braid thing still annoyed me when he looked so much hotter without it, plus I could do that.

Hopefully, we would be able to find out something more about his brother with the two new names we had gotten. Two people who could know about Regulus. Andromeda and Alphard… surely, they stayed in touch with Regulus and knew where he was.

Sirius got out of my grip and sat in front of me. He took my hands. His eyes were practically shining.

"I got some… happy news," he stated but didn't say more.

"What is it?" I held my breath.

"If it's okay with you and your parents... then I can come out for Christmas!"

WHAT?!

I practically shrieked. "You can come out for Christmas? We can celebrate Christmas together?!"

The smile reached his eyes as he nodded ecstatically.

I attack-hugged him and showered him with kisses.

"Sirius this is amazing!"

"I know! I can't wait."

He pulled my jumper to kiss my lips.

…

My heart was still beating like crazy. The thought of spending Christmas with Sirius was just so amazing, and I was terrified my parents would say no. If they said no it would break Sirius' heart - and mine. I had also thought of inviting James and Peter over just for an hour so they could all meet again.

We were eating dinner.

"Uhh… you know my boyfriend that I mentioned?"

Immediately I had both of my parent's attention.

"The one we can't meet or know the name of?" My dad (Lyall) asked with a glint in his eyes. Even though it seemed as if he was joking, I knew him well enough to know it was only to cover the truth.

"Yes, that one… well uhh, his name is Sirius and the reason you haven't been able to meet him is that he's in a psychiatric hospital. He's there because he has anxiety, he doesn't trust easily and has serious commitment issues…"

I paused a moment to see their expressions, but it didn't give anything away. After a deep breath, I continued.

"He has become a lot better. So good that they will allow him to come out for Christmas if he has somewhere to go…"

My parents shared a look. I held my breath and waited for their response.

"I don't see a problem with it…" my mom stated but waited for my dad's reaction as they should decide it together.

"I think it'll be nice to finally meet him," he smiled.

I sighed relieved and smiled as well. Then my heart started to beat fast again. SIRIUS AND I WOULD BE CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS TOGETHER. Oh god no he was going to meet my parents.

"Is there anything we need to think about?" My mom asked.

"He probably still has some trust issues, but you just have to promise things to him, and then keep those promises. And don't promise something you can't keep." They both nodded to show they had understood. "I really want him to like you, and I know you're gonna like him-"

"Don't worry Remus." He put his hand on my knee. "If you like him, I'm sure he's a nice guy, so liking him won't be a problem."

"Thank you, thank you!" _I was going to spend Christmas with my boyfriend._ "Can I call and tell him?"

They nodded.

I left the table as quick as lightning and found Angeline's number in my contacts. She took it almost immediately after I called.

"They said yes!"

" _Remus that's amazing_."

I held the phone with both hands. "Can you tell him for me? And say that I love him?" I sent a quick glance to my parents.

" _It's already done._ "

We said our goodbyes and hung up.

…

…

…

 **Hi, guys, there's a quick A/N note here before the last two chapters. You can skip it if you want but I would appreciate it if you would read it :)**

 **This was my second idea ever for a wolfstar AU fic, (the first hasn't been written yet) it didn't turn out as I first imagined - it turned out much better.**

 **Sirius was always supposed to have some sort of anxiety and didn't want people to know his name at first, but he wasn't supposed to live in an orphanage. Actually, he was supposed to live in a forest.**

 **But then I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower and it inspired for A LOT in this story.**

 **That's when I heard about depression and anxiety and then decided to study it closer. I looked at the symptoms and tried to show them through Sirius.**

 **Salvatore is inspired by Aunt Helen (before I realized she was abusive) and his death gave me the idea to the orphanage thing.**

 **The whole thing between Sirius and Dennis was inspired by what Patrick went through with his boyfriend. (The fight in the cafeteria).**

 **The fact that Charlie came into a hospital is pretty obvious what inspired me to the fact that Sirius came in there.**

 **I can't believe that I've come this far with the story and I'm happy about the way it turned out (even though I would like to rewrite some stuff) but sadly it has come to an end soon.**

 **Lots of love and happy thoughts from me :D**

…

 **You don't mind reviewing, right?**


	45. When it ended

_Smut warning ;)_

 _..._

5-ever is longer than 4-ever.

We ran towards each other in slow-motion like in a movie, (or so it felt) and embraced each other. It was the day before Christmas, and I was just so happy to see him. The next time I would see him would be outside of the hospital.

He took my hands and dragged me towards the bed, so we were sitting next to each other.

"So, I was thinking... uhh." He sat crossed legged but then decided against it, just to sit crossed legged again. "Seeing as." Sirius uncrossed his legs. "Seeing as sexual things aren't allowed to happen at the hospital, and... well, you know... we're both gonna be outside, and... I thought we could... you know..."

He looked up and saw the dorkiest smile on my face then proceed to slap me playfully.

"Git," he crossed his arms. "But do you want to?"

I nodded, but then looked down and sank a lump. Suddenly it seemed very hot in there.

"Do you, uhh... you know... know how to do it?" I dreaded the answer because that meant he had done it with Dennis (I already strongly suspected it) but I tried not to let it get to me because what Sirius did with his ex-boyfriends shouldn't concern me. There's a reason it was his ex-boyfriend.

Sirius laughed softly. He cupped my face with his small hands and kissed me gently.

"You haven't done it before?"

"Jeez Sirius I haven't even kissed anyone before you-"

He silenced me with a kiss.

"Don't worry, I'll show you how it's done," he smirked before going in for a deep kiss. Meanwhile, I was going crazy. Before I could realize what was happening, he had pushed me backwards. He broke the kiss and moved his lips to my ear. "Have you ever... wanked?"

Sirius proceed to kiss my neck, so I had no idea how he expected me to come up with a rational answer.

"Tech... technically n-no..."

"Oh, Remus my sweet little virgin." He gently bit my ear. "Can I," he ran his hand down my chest to my hips, "do it for you?"

I tried to take a deep breath to calm down, but I found that I couldn't with the way he was talking to me like that. I _tried_ to gain some control and actually answer him with words, but the only thing that came out was a little whimper. I nodded.

Sirius smirked. Both his hands ran down my body down to my pants which he undid. His thumbs ran from the front to the back where he pulled my trousers down my arse. I blushed when he stared at my hidden cock that still clearly showed how turned on I was, only by the kiss and the way he talked to me.

His fingers found their way to the other side of my boxers, but before he pulled them down, he paused.

"Still okay?"

"Only if you hurry," I managed.

Sirius smirked. He continued with my boxers and had pulled them off in just a second. His gaze landed on my cock and didn't move away. "Wauw," he breathed. I was about to hide my face with my hands, but suddenly his cold finger was on it and sent a rush down my spine. I immediately clenched the duvet.

His fingers stroked gently for a few moments, he then formed a circle and began moving up and down; a slow pace at first, but it quickly sped up. I had my head thrown backwards, clenched the duvet with all my might and tried not to moan.

It wasn't only the fact that it felt _so_ good, but the fact that it was him touching me. The pace increased greatly. I tried to hold back the moan, but I couldn't with all these feelings and all the pleasure running through my body, though it only made him quicken the pace more

"I-I'm gonna... gonna," I shut my eyes.

"Wait a moment!" He kissed me, let go and ran off somewhere. When Sirius came back, he wrapped a towel around me. "Okay now."

Even more pleasure ran through my body when I let go. A little moan escaped my lips which earned me a kiss from Sirius. I opened my eyes. He laid next to me and kissed my nose like I had done to him many times. My hair stuck to my forehead and I had trouble breathing.

"Does it always feel this good?"

Sirius smiled and leaned forward. "It feels much better. Just wait till you try bottom, now that feels good. I can't wait to fuck you."

I choked.

"Yeah, you're also gonna do that later," he whispered in a seductive tone.

My face turned red (as if I wasn't hot enough already) but I didn't hide it.

"I really like when you talk dirty to me," I admitted a bit shamefully, but on the other hand not. It was only Sirius and me in the room, and I felt comfortable enough to share something like that with him.

Sirius had the biggest smile on his face.

"Are you ready for tomorrow? I mean; you're gonna meet my parents and stuff."

"I might be a little nervous, but I can't wait. They're probably really nice, besides I know how to charm them," he smirked again.

"How?"

"I'll just tell how much I like you, how nice your home is, how delicious the meal is and surprise them with Christmas presents."

"You got them presents?"

"Of course I did... I couldn't buy anything, so I just painted something myself, I hope that's alright." He bit his lip and his eyes locked with the wardrobe for a second.

"That's more than okay, they're gonna love it... by the way, I talked to James and Peter about meeting up. My parents and I are gonna pick you up tomorrow, then we'll hang out a bit at my house and get settled, then they're gonna come hang out for a few hours, and then we got the rest of the evening for ourselves."

"That sounds really nice," he played with the pendant I had given him for his birthday, and his eyes were shining like Christmas lights. James and Peter had been very excited to know they could meet Sirius again, and so had he.

"There's also something I had wanted to talk to you about... uhh, when you get out and start at the school again, do you want to be... open about our relationship?"

He shifted. "Do you?"

"Do you?"

"Only if you want."

"I want." I shut my mouth the second after; I didn't want to push Sirius into coming out if he didn't want.

But he relaxed visibly. "I want too."

"But you weren't out at your old school."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "Dennis didn't want to come out, so we didn't, but I always wanted because then we wouldn't have to hide. I guess he was afraid of the homophobia or was ashamed of himself."

"We don't have to worry about that at _our_ school." My hand rested on his chest. "Marlene and Dorcas came out as bi and lesbian not long ago. I asked Marlene what it was like, and she said they hadn't experienced much, and other students and teachers have defended them the times it happened."

"Really?"

I nodded. "She also suggested we could all go on double dates and pretend we were with the other so we wouldn't face homophobia."

"That's really cool," his lips curved into a big smile, which quickly turned into a smirk. "By the way, you should probably take your trousers on again."

My face turned red as quick as lightning and I got my boxers and trousers on even quicker. Meanwhile, Sirius laughed.

We talked for the rest of the visiting hours about Christmas and stuff. Sirius asked me if I had any lube at home, and seeing as I didn't, I would have to buy some. I would have to go into a shop and then everyone would know I would have sex. That must be how girls feel when they shop for pads. Ashamed even though they shouldn't be.

Angeline came into the room to pick me up and follow me out. I kissed Sirius goodbye and turned around to leave, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me back. When I looked at him, he stared back with the biggest puppy eyes ever.

"Don't leave."

"Sirius I'm coming again tomorrow and then we'll spend two whole days together." I tried to smile. Honestly, I didn't want to leave either. We might get to spend two whole days together, but I wanted to spend more time with him.

"I—" he paused and bit his lips. "I'll follow you to the lift."

We both looked at Angeline to make sure it was alright, she nodded, and Sirius quickly got up. He grabbed my hand and we walked out of the door towards the lift together.

I'm pretty sure both of us wanted to walk as slow as possible, and Angeline allowed it.

I let go of his hand and instead put it around him as I had always wanted, but my free hand grabbed his hand again. Seeing as Sirius wanted to come out, I thought it was okay, especially because he had been the one to grab my hand and because he leaned closer to me when my arm was around him.

The lift neared dangerously quick and way too soon we were in front of it. I let go of him, but our hands were still joined. Sirius took a careful glance around, and when there weren't any people around, he leaned in for a quick kiss.

"Bye. Love you."

"Bye. Love you too! Wave to me."

"I will," Sirius walked away with Angeline towards his room again. That must have been really awkward for her. Our arms were stretched out as far as they could before we let go, and right before he rounded the corner, he waved at me.

Angeline came back only a few moments later and we took the lift down.

"Excited for tomorrow?"

"Very."

Sirius had insisted that he would meet me and my parents outside of the hospital. Now that they knew about him they were gonna pick him up. Every time I thought of it, a smile would find its way to my lips. We would spend Christmas together.

"The presents he made is amazing, do you have something for him too?"

I nodded. I got him some paintbrushes and some paint which the store where I bought his last present recommended. I had even gotten the colours Bob Ross used in all his videos and some of the other tools he used so Sirius could paint something from there if he wanted.

We neared the exit.

"Happy holidays, Remus. I hope you and Sirius are gonna have a good time," she smiled and seemed genuinely happy.

"Happy holidays to you too, and thanks, I'll see you both tomorrow."

"Goodbye."

We waved quickly and then I hurried towards the usual spot under the streetlamp. A few seconds later one of the windows started blinking, but there was something -paper of some kind- covering some of the window. I squinted my eyes to read it.

I 3 U

I smiled for myself. He had clearly been planning that for some time, and it's incredibly sweet. I wish I could say it back.

Sirius popped up next to the 'U' and began waving. I waved back. He pointed at the letters. I took a deep breath and began to form an 'I' followed by an improvised heart and a very weird 'U'. I was very aware that the late Christmas shoppers were staring at me but managed to ignore it.

I think he understood what I meant. What can I say? I just had a feeling.

We waved our last goodbyes and then I walked towards the shops for my own late Christmas shopping.

...

I walked out of the shop. The lube was in a bag because it was bad enough the shop owners would know, but the whole rest of the town didn't too.

It was late, but with the white snow and all the Christmas lights, it didn't seem like that. Most people weren't even noticing it. I walked slowly through the streets. Perhaps I should bring Sirius there tomorrow, he would love it for sure. He always appreciates the small things.

His eyes would probably get all big, and I could easily imagine that he stared at all the things with awe while holding my hand. I would stare at him most of the time instead of the lights. He would probably share some nice Christmas memory he had with either Salvatore, Andromeda or Regulus.

He would look adorable with a scarf and a beanie.

I could easily imagine him with a scarf, a beanie and probably some mittens tomorrow. He would wait outside even though it was cold, and Angeline would be by his side

"Hey, Moony!"

James was probably having a romantic walk with Lily like the one I had planned with Sirius or was Christmas shopping with his parents. When I turned around something caught my eye.

I saw the car one second before it was too late.

.:lll:.

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 **IMPORTANT**

It's time to choose your ending!

If you want a happy ending, read next chapter!

If you want a sad ending, skip next chapter!


	46. The Happy Ending

**IMPORTANT**

 **Just to clear out any confusion: there are two different endings to this book. If you're here, you've chosen the happy ending. To choose the sad ending, skip to next chapter.**

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 _Soulmates are the perfect word for us._

You know in books when they say that something happened both really slow and really fast? And how they visualize this in movies by first making it slow, and then go fast? It was one of those moments. Not to be to cliché or anything, but I saw my life pass by. God, I read a lot of books.

I saw the car race towards me with wide eyes. The whining of the wheels. A little puff of air as it turned and stopped merely millimetres away from me. I let out a hitched breath and covered my mouth with my hand. My vision was blurry. Someone called my name and dragged me away from the road.

I was faintly aware of a car door opening and a person spluttering out an apology; to tell they had slipped on the ice. James (I think) told said person it was quite alright, and they shouldn't worry.

My heart wouldn't stop beating. The loud drums were all I could hear. Until James wrapped his arms around me and whispered soothing words.

.:lll:.

I couldn't stop fidgeting. My mom glanced at me through the rearview mirror in the front seat. She had suggested postponing the meeting, or maybe even cancel altogether. But I knew it would crush Sirius if I did, besides, I hadn't thought of anything else than being in his arms since yesterday.

My parents were driving us to the hospital so we could all pick up Sirius. The thought made me smile. Sirius generally makes me smile. He's so adorable.

I couldn't have asked for more perfect weather. The snow was falling from the sky. Quite beautiful, but not as beautiful as Sirius, of course. Though that also meant the roads were more slippery than usual. My dad drove slowly for that exact reason.

We finally arrived. I caught a glimpse of Sirius. A beanie sat on top of his head, a scarf wrapped around him, the biggest smile ever was decorating his face. He was jumping slightly like he used to. Was it because of the cold, or excitement?

It was amazing to see him outside of the hospital for the first time in so long.

My dad parked, and immediately I was out of the car. Sirius waved, but he stayed by Angeline's side. I quickly approached him and planted a quick kiss on his lips. I felt slightly awkward kissing him in front of my parents. His hair hung loosely around his shoulders.

I cleared my throat. "Mum, Dad, this is Sirius. Sirius, this is my parents." I gestured between them.

Sirius stuck his arm out. "It's nice to meet you."

My parents each took a turn shaking his hand, and my dad responded. "It's nice to meet you too. I'm so glad you could come."

"My pleasure," Sirius said with a glance at me.

I took his hand. "You ready to go? We got hot cocoa and cookies at home."

He squeezed my hand in return. "Yeah. Just a moment." Sirius let go of my hand to hug Angeline. They spoke quietly to each other for a few moments before he let go and took the bag she had previously been holding.

Sirius took my hand again and I followed him to the car. Of course, I held the door open for him like a proper gentleman. I stared at his bag, wondering if it was the presents, he had made. Had he brought clothes? Would he need to borrow my clothes? Should I hide his clothes?

I couldn't help but fidget slightly as the car began driving. Sirius noticed instantly and took my hand in his. I smiled at him, yet he glanced worriedly back at me. I squeezed his hand slightly.

.:lll:.

I had given Sirius a quick tour of the house so we could get alone as soon as possible. He seemed way too interested in the pictures of me that decorated the walls. Some of them were from when I was just born. My mom had put out the picture of me as a five-year-old _naked_ in the bathtub, even though I had hidden it away.

Though there truly wasn't much secrecy between us in _that area_ , I still dragged my giggling boyfriend away from there.

Finally, in my room, I tried to kiss him, but the giggles prevented me from doing so. Instead, I pulled him towards my bed. He glanced around but stopped when he spotted the drawing of the wolf that had caught a ball in the air.

"You actually framed it." The smile reached his ears.

"Of course." I captured his lips with my own. When we pulled apart his smile fell slowly. He took both my hands in his and proceed to draw little circles on them.

"Why were you so nervous in the car? Was just because I met your parents, or… or was it something else?"

I breathed in slowly. "I'm fine, but I almost got hit by a car yesterday."

He froze for just a second, then wrapped his arms around me. "But you're okay now? What happened?"

"I'm great. Honestly. It was just an accident, but I'm fine and no one else got hurt. I was just shocked, that's all." I pulled his arms away from me and locked eyes with him so he could see I was being honest. " James was nearby, and he helped me."

Sirius pouted. Oh _god_ , he's so cute. "I should be the one to help you."

I laughed softly and pulled him closer to me. "You'll be out soon, and then we can both be there for each other all the time."

He placed his hands around my neck and pulled me into a kiss. I put my arms around him to get him closer. Our chests were touching. Brief thoughts of the lube and condoms popped into my mind. My thumb gently lifted his shirt, just a little.

We both jumped away from each other as the door to my room was opened with a bang. My mom stood there, with a smile on her face as if everything was normal.

"The hot cocoa is ready."

I shared a quick look with Sirius. "We'll be down in a minute."

She nodded and left but kept the door open. I glanced back Sirius; he was as red in the head as I was. Both of us let out a nervous giggle. I moved next to him and bumped out knees together.

"How will we… err, if they're in the house?" His head -if possible- turned even redder. I had to restrain myself from kissing him again when he was being so adorable.

"They have this dinner thing tomorrow with some friends, then James and Peter will come over to say hi. I figured after they left, we could…"

.:lll:.

The rest of the day went great. Sirius and I cuddled up under one blanket while drinking hot cocoa. My parents apparently had lots of embarrassing stories of me, which Sirius enjoyed hearing. I let it happen for the time being, but only because Sirius looked so happy.

He did a great job charming them. I had been worried they wouldn't like him, or just pretended to not be homophobic while hoping it was a phase I was going through. That wasn't the case at all.

Dinner was nice as well. The dessert obviously consisted on mainly chocolate. Sirius ended up feeding me the rest of his pie. In front of my parents. My face couldn't possibly become redder than it already was. He totally did it on purpose!

The day ended way too quickly, but instead of being sad about that, I concentrated on the positive side; Sirius was there.

He was waiting in my room while I brushed my teeth. The sight I came back to, stunned me. Sirius -my boyfriend- was wearing _my_ pyjamas pants, and one of my favourite t-shirts. I couldn't help but smile. He had to be the cutest being on earth. No, in the universe.

Sirius smiled back at me. I slipped under the covers with one thought in mind; I would wake up with my amazing boyfriend in my arms.

 **.:lll:.**

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 **I felt like this was a good place to end this.**


	47. The Sad Ending

**IMPORTANT**

 **Just to clear out any confusion: there are two different endings to this book. If you're here, you've chosen the sad ending. To choose the happy ending, go one chapter back.**

 **.:lll:.**

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 _ **Trigger warning**_ _. Mention of death and suicide._

.:lll:.

x^2+(y-sqrt(2x^2))^2=1

Remus ran down the hallway he had been walking on so often for the past few months. The thing is that he had never been running before, only walking as he didn't want to disturb anyone there. Though right now the only important was getting to Sirius as quick as possible.

He didn't waste time catching his breath before crashing through the door.

Everything in the room seemed much whiter and paler than usual, including the two persons in there. Sirius was sitting on his bed with the coloured duvet in red and gold. His back was to Remus and he clutched the little tawny-coloured wolf. The dream catcher he had once granted his boyfriend hang from the ceiling like a chandelier.

Remus smiled because he was relieved that he could see Sirius again. His boyfriend who had done many things for him the same way he had done so many things for Sirius.

Sirius had opened doors for Remus he had never seen before, things had been discovered that he never even dreamt about. And Remus, well… he showed Sirius that not everything is terrible and even though you want to hide away, opening up isn't the end of the world, it might actually create a new one.

He knew Sirius knew he was there. Remus had been late, he had promised he wouldn't, but the car had slowed him down. Didn't matter because he was there now and ready to make up for it by proposing something Sirius couldn't say no to.

"Why didn't you come before now?" Sirius broke the silence and immediately tears fell from his eyes.

Remus saw it as his cue and in a matter of seconds, he was by Sirius' side and wrapped his arms around him. Sirius was perfect, he didn't deserve to be broken. Tears weren't good enough to touch his face. The only two things that were allowed to be on Sirius' face was smiles and Remus.

"I'm sorry. I really am. The car came, but… I'm fine, and I'm here now" Remus hugged as tight as he could, but it still felt distant. Sirius leaned into him.

"When they came… they said…" A few tears escaped his perfect grey eyes and Remus quickly wiped them away. "I didn't believe them" he finished firmer.

"And you were right!" Remus stated firmly as he stared into Sirius' eyes. "They weren't right. They lied to you because they are jealous of what we have, but from now on, I'm yours, only yours."

"Mine?" Sirius asked dreamily.

"Yours" Remus confirmed. "You never have to share me with anyone else _ever_ again. I-"

But before he could finish and propose his idea to Sirius, the door opened, and Angeline stood there with a sad look in her eyes. Sirius' expression hardened at the sight of her. Before he would have loved her care, but with the new information Remus had provided him, he knew the truth.

"Sirius-"

"No!" Sirius stated and clutched the wolf tighter. "I don't wanna speak to you ever again."

"Why not?" she asked carefully.

"Because you lied to me" he replied simply and refused to meet her eyes. Remus held him gently to give the courage Sirius needed to stand up to her.

"Why do you think I lied to you?"

"Remus told me" he stated proudly, and a smug smile played on his lips. She tried to keep them apart, but Remus came anyways and revealed the truth to him.

Angeline's face darkened.

"Sirius…" she said sadly. "Remus is-"

"No!" he was surprised how firm he was. Sirius was glad Remus was by his side to help him through this. Angeline had always been there for him, but if she kept lying then they couldn't be friends anymore. "You lied to me once and you shall never do it again!"

"Sirius…"

"I don't wanna speak to you right now," he stated firmly.

Angeline didn't say anything, and after a few minutes, she walked out and closed the door carefully. Sirius exhaled loudly.

Remus took Sirius' hand knowing that his boyfriend needed it. They were the best of friend's ones (until quite recently actually) but now Angeline had broken Sirius' trust, and he had to cut the ties.

"You're so brave," he whispered. "I know it must have been hard, but you did the right thing."

Sirius nodded slowly. "I guess I just hoped we could all be friends." He gladly accepted the kiss from Remus and enjoyed every bit of it. Sirius didn't need Angeline; he had Remus and Remus was the most perfect and amazing person in the world.

"I love you," Remus mumbled between kisses.

Sirius nodded suddenly filled with determination. This just confirmed that he was right because if Remus loved him (and he did) then he wouldn't have left. Angeline and everybody else was lying to him. They were jealous as Remus had told. Jealous of their love for each other.

"I love you too." Sirius brought the wolf to his nose and inhaled deeply. Remus gave him another kiss. "What were you about to say before that _traitor_ interrupted us?"

Remus put his arms around Sirius and took a deep breath. Before he had easily gathered the courage, but now he was more nervous. He took another deep breath and reminded himself that Sirius already had cut all ties with Angeline and now only had himself left.

"Do you remember what you said a while back? The day you gave me a hickey," Remus couldn't help but touch the little mark. It wasn't as visible as it had been that day. "You said we were soulmates, and do you know what soulmates do?"

"Love each other," Sirius had a distant -yet hopeful- look in his eyes. It wasn't what Remus had meant, but he didn't want to let Sirius down, so he just went with it and nodded.

"And people who love each other stay together in all eternity. Can you imagine that? Just the two of us together forever and ever."

Sirius closed his eyes and imagined how it would be like to be together with Remus in all eternity. He saw love and happiness. Just the two of them being together every day. Them loving each other forever because love means forever.

But his smile faded.

"What about the others? They tried to keep us apart, what if they try again?"

Remus' smile didn't fade, he pulled Sirius in for a hug, he had already thought about it and come with a solution.

He always had a solution to everything.

"There is a way," he told. "They've already done something, and I think you can feel it too." Sirius nodded sadly; he hadn't wanted to point it out - to realize it - but he had to come to the term with the fact that Remus' touch didn't feel as it usually did.

"What will we do?"

"We give them a taste of their own medicine," Remus replied eagerly. This was his chance. "Together we can become immortals in a world far from this one; in a world where they can never keep us apart."

"Immortals?" Sirius couldn't believe what he was hearing. "A world far from this one?"

"It's a world with no pain. Only the two of us and our love. We can do all the things we've always wanted. We can be together, and they won't be able to keep us apart." Remus hesitated; the next part was tricky as he didn't know exactly how committed Sirius was. "But this also means you'll never be able to see James, Peter, Andromeda or Regulus ever again-"

"I don't care at all!" Losing those people was worth it if it meant he would be able to stay with Remus forever. "How will we get there?" Sirius said eagerly; he couldn't wait to spend the whole eternity together with Remus in the world he was describing.

"I can go there already, but I'll be waiting for you here," he kissed Sirius quickly. "It's going to hurt. A lot. But I know you can handle it because you won't have to do it alone. I'll never leave your side again."

"Never?" Sirius asked dreamily. "You'll be by my side forever?"

Remus squeezed Sirius hand.

"As long as I love you, and that is forever."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

.:lll:.

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 **Regretting your choice for the sad ending? Don't worry, next chapter makes up for it a little.**


	48. The Less Sad Ending

**IMPORTANT**

 **If last chapter left you heartbroken, I can recommend reading this.** **It makes up for the pain a little.**

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 _I did spend my forever with him._

Sirius had figured it out. If he never felt anything, he couldn't feel hurt. It was an amazing plan, even though Angeline didn't like it. There just wasn't a lot of feelings for him to feel.

Scared, perhaps?

The very thing he had been afraid would happen all along, did happen. Remus left him. Though it wasn't intentional, he was still alone. Or well, not alone. There was always at least one person in his room with him since the funeral.

Fake-Remus visited him the day they were supposed to wake up in each other's arms for the very first time. He had promised Sirius they could be together forever. It had been an amazing thought at the time, and some part of him still longed for it. But he knew real-Remus wouldn't want him to.

Sirius had played the part and went to the funeral. He had looked at the coffin and imagined that Remus was truly there, that he wasn't waiting just outside for him. At the right moment, he had run away. But Angeline had stopped him before he could jump into the lake.

It had taken almost six months, but he was feeling a little better.

His fingers were still aching to hold Remus' hands. His body still hoping Remus would one day step through the doors, hug him tightly and never let go. But he wouldn't, and Sirius knew it. He still woke up some nights and were unable to fall asleep again.

Though even when gone, Remus was still there for him.

Sirius suspected the dream catcher didn't work as it was supposed to because Remus was no longer around. But he also liked to imagine that Remus was trying to sort the worst dreams away, the best he could from his place in heaven.

Perhaps he and Dad did it together. His lips twitched. Remus and Dad would like each other. They were both so nice and caring people.

He hadn't had an 'incident' since the first one. Not even close.

Remus would want him to continue living his life the best he could. Sure, he had been stuck in a hospital for the better part of a year, but he was making progress.

He was eating at every meal, and he drank lots of water. He even hung out with Carl from time to time, yet they mostly just sat together in silence. But most importantly, he called for a nurse every time fake-Remus showed up.

Sirius desperately wanted to feel better. He wanted to get out of the hospital and make Remus proud. Remus had wanted Sirius to get out of the hospital, and he was going to do that.

Someone knocked and opened the door to his room. He paid no mind. It was probably time for a new nurse to look after him. Angeline didn't think it was necessary, but Sirius felt calm knowing there was always someone ready to help him.

"Sirius?"

The voice was soft and reminded him of one he hadn't heard for years.

Sirius peeked at the door from his place on the bed. His breath got caught in his throat and the whole world stopped spinning. He couldn't move. Was Regulus truly there, or was it a fake-Regulus?

"Reg?" It was barely above a whisper. His eyes moved to Angeline who nodded slowly. Within seconds he had moved across the room and swung his arms around Regulus. His brother returned the hug.

After several minutes they finally pulled apart. Sirius was still taller than him.

"What are you doing here? Where've you been? What about our-" Sirius stopped himself.

"We moved to France shortly after that guy adopted you. I think mother and father were afraid he would get me too." The French accent was apparent in his voice. "But I got a text from James and Peter not long ago."

Regulus looked behind him, and Sirius followed his gaze. James and Peter were standing right outside the room.

"You mentioned Regulus once," James explained. "And since then Remus… he thought Regulus would make you happy, so he wanted to find him."

"We like you," Peter blurted. "We helped Remus search, and even continued after what happened."

Sirius fought back tears. Even from beyond the grave, Remus helped him.

"Remus sound like a nice guy." Regulus caught Sirius' gaze. "You'll have to tell me about him sometime."

Sirius nodded, took a shaky breath and wiped his eyes. "He was. He truly was. He made me feel so special. Like I was the most important person in the world. And he helped me all the time-"

Sirius wiped his eyes again. He wished Remus was there. More than anything else. He wanted Remus back.

"You don't have to tell me." Regulus carefully put his hand on Sirius' shoulder, yet Sirius shook his head.

"I want to. I have to be able to talk about him." He took a deep breath. "No matter what I needed, he always found a solution. He respected my boundaries once I asked him to. He understood what I needed. I love… I loved him."

Regulus pulled him into a hug. James and Peter joined in too.

Sirius hadn't felt so great in so long. His brother was there with him. James and Peter were still his friends. He would have all of them, plus Angeline and Carl to help him once he got out. And he knew Remus was watching him from above.

"James and Peter will have to help me fill in the blanks." Sirius managed a smile once they pulled apart. He dragged them to the bed.

Sirius hadn't felt better in so long, and he truly believed he could someday feel completely okay. But no matter what, he would never forget the boy who had turned the light back on in his life. The boy who was the reason he had so many great people in his life.

He would always remember Remus.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

.:lll:.

 **This is what happened after Remus died.**

 **I've thought of writing this story from Sirius' POV, but you will have to let me know if you're interested in that.**

 **Otherwise, this is the last you'll hear from this story :D Remember to check out my other stories though!**


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